Monday, June 27, 2011

In Which I Nearly Meet My Demise


1. Really? Why would anyone do that to a cat? Poor thing can't show it's ... well, ANY of itself in public without shame for weeks.

2. This week, I don't have any guest posts or interviews, so it's all C.J. all the time.

3. I'll give you a moment to brace yourself.

4. I put on my Twitter bio that I'm a complete klutz.

5. People who only see me on Twitter and never make it over to my blog think I'm joking.

6. Or trying to be modest.

7. YOU know otherwise.

8. And because apparently my epic battle with the printer (and that nefarious instrument of Satan, the office chair), and the time I face-planted into a pile of cardboard boxes just AREN'T ENOUGH for my employees, they've devised a new plan.

9. The super seekrit name of this plan?

10. Kill The Traitor Who Thinks She's Going To Leave Us In One Week.

11. KTTWTSGTLUIOW for short.

12. (As a side note, I just read through some of my old blog posts searching for the links I posted above and I have to say, I am one STRANGE COOKIE. Really. Why are you here?)

13. Where was I?

14. Oh, yes! KTTWTSGTLUIOW.

15. Having already used technology, cardboard boxes, and chairs against me and failed, the employees pulled out the BIG GUNS.

16. Napkins.

17. Lest you snerk in my direction, I must clarify that these were specially engineered mutant homicidal NINJA napkins, and that is the only reason I was unable to defeat them.

18. I was standing in the wait aisle talking to my future replacement about several training issues I wanted us to address before I leave the building for good.

19. While I was talking, someone stacked packages of (specially engineered mutant homicidal NINJA) napkins on the shelf behind me.

20. How hard is it to correctly stack packages of (specially engineered mutant homicidal NINJA) napkins?

21. Not hard. Not hard at all. Which is why I know this was deliberate.

22. One package wasn't stacked correctly, and while I was still talking, it fell to the floor directly behind me.

23. I didn't hear it fall because a) I was talking, b) it's LOUD inside a restaurant kitchen, and c) Really? You expected the girl who face-planted into cardboard boxes to be aware of her surroundings?

24. My replacement did, however, see the napkins fall, but HE CLAIMS I turned to leave before he could warn me.

25. I'm going to booby trap his office and refuse to take his panicked phone calls when every employee in the building has a crisis in the exact same hour and he can't figure out how to make the fax machine obey him while the district manager is walking through his door demanding to know why he's so far behind on his numbers.

26. Not that I'm holding a grudge.

27. Anyway, I turned to leave and SHAZAM! Specially engineered mutant homicidal NINJA napkins.

28. I probably would've been okay if they'd been in front of just one of my feet.

29. But they weren't.

30. I hit them with one foot, started falling, frantically tried to right myself with the other foot, and found it solidly tangled up as well.

31. Which meant I was now air born and heading toward an inevitable crash landing on a concrete floor.

32. Also? I was holding a glass of tea in my left hand.

33. My left knee hit the concrete first, followed by my left elbow, and then my left hand slammed into the ground and shattered the glass, sending a significant amount of it into my hand.

34. I didn't even realize my knee and elbow were wrecked, because I was too busy waving well-meaning employees away from putting pressure on the bloody mess of my hand because hello? THERE WAS GLASS INSIDE IT.

35. My hubby drove out to pick me up and take me to a walk-in clinic. At this point, I'd bled through six handfuls of paper towels and was starting to feel woozy.

36. The doctor kindly gave me shots of numbing medicine (which feels like liquid FIRE going in, especially when one of those shots is right next to a bone), began cleaning me up, and asked the following question "So, how did this happen?"

37. Me: "Napkins."

38. Dr: "Napkins???"

39. Me *giving him the Beady Eye*: "Yes. Napkins."

40. Dr: "I've never had a patient hurt herself on napkins before."

41. Me: "These weren't just any napkins. These were specially engineered mutant homicidal NINJA napkins."

42. Dr: "Did you by any chance also hit your head?"

43. My hand is slowly healing (and the place where I had a tetanus shot no longer feels like maybe I should just saw my arm off and be done with it), but my knee and my elbow hate me with the flaming fire of a thousand suns. Which means I have to keep going back to the same clinic (workman's comp requires it) to get anti-inflammatory prescriptions, exams, and pitying looks when I staunchly maintain my claim that my employees have decided if they can't have me, nobody can have me and they resorted to napkins to seal my fate.

7 comments:

  1. Holy wow...just...well wow. Napkins are nefarious! (Hugs)Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow CJ. I always knew those napkins they use at restaurants were evil. I mean they don't really soak up anything... and when you ask for 3 dozen... and use them, the wait staff looks at you like you're crazy.

    I always want to say: Yup, you take 5 kids to dinner. But then they have to do the dishes so... ; )

    Great post!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just want you to know that the people in the coffee shop think I'm crazy now. Apparently it isn't appropriate to choke on your coffee as a fit of laughter whacks you in the face. I swear, every time I read your blog while I'm in public, I get a reputation. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The more I read your blog, the more I SWEAR we must be related somehow! How did we make it through China without either of us having a major international incident?!

    ReplyDelete
  5. *quietly pets the Ninja napkins*

    *whispers*

    You did good, my minions.

    *flees into the night, cackling*

    In other news, I'm glad you survived!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I shudder to think what ways you'll attempt to fulfill our genes demand for glorious klutzery now that you won't be working. That is if you make it out the door the final time. Alive.

    I suggest you do what I did. Get a wicked looking cane and carry it with you everywhere. It even deters mutant ninja napkins.

    And if the same thing happens to me, I'll know you're in league with Revis for my life insurance money.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, and that poor cat is beyond pathetic. I've seen a cat shaved because it survived a fire, but to take a picture of him? I wonder if anyone captured the next moment when the cat shredded her.

    ReplyDelete

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