Monday, September 19, 2011


Ninja kitten is coming at you like a G6!

1. I laughed so hard at the above pic, I nearly compromised my ability to fully control my bladder.

2. Sometimes, I think I'm the weirdest person I know.

3. But someone else always comes along and disabuses me of that notion.

4. Not YOU, of course. Never you.

5. But probably the person sitting on your right.

6. At this point, I should probably make a graceful transition like "Speaking of sitting on your right" to segue into my next bit, but ... that isn't going to happen.

7. In my ongoing quest to become the Girl Who Has Snorted The Worst Collection Of Unlikely Items (Heck, YES, there's an award for that. Isn't there? NO?? Well, someone better get right ON that situation because I am earning this.), I've abused my sinuses with chunks of bread pudding (note: raisins burn), chicken nugget (just say no to clucky), diet Coke (the new sinus douche), and most recently cinnamon gum (feeeeeel the burn) and water from an over-achiever of a dental hygienist's hose.

8. All rather stellar evidence that I deserve the (as yet invented) award, yes? So, what could possibly be incredibly awkward enough to take a spot among these hallowed few?

9. A tortilla chip.

10. In mid-flight.

11. Now, lest you think I have a honker the size of a small country (thereby accommodating an entire chip), I must clarify: it was just the tip of the chip.

12. How did a chip tip fly into my nose?

13. I really have no explanation. I wish I did. I think when I was born and the fairies were handing out gifts, Malificent was absent and Murphy's Law stood in her place.

14. The situation is simple. I was eating chips and salsa. I took a bite of tortilla chip. And somehow the velocity and trajectory of my bite combined with the momentum of ... something ... caused the non-bitten portion of the chip to FLY OUT OF MY HAND AND STRAIGHT UP MY NOSE.

15. You will immediately note that this defies the laws of gravity.

16. And probably violates any number of other interesting laws of physics.

17. It's like my nostrils decided, "Hey! We haven't had any real action since the chewing gum incident in February. Let's form a committee and rectify the situation."

18. And then my nostrils became a tractor beam for shards of tortilla chips.

19. I cannot be the only person to whom that has happened.

20. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I am the weirdest person you know.

21. Because you have the good sense to swallow your food and have it go DOWN instead of UP.

22. Well, good for you, you boring conformist. But when they start handing out awards for the Girl Who Has Snorted The Worst Collection of Unlikely Items, where will you be??

23. Award-less, that's where.

24. And lest it be said that I am not an equal opportunity body-part-meet-unlikely-food-item offender, I was drinking tea the other night, and the tea bag was still in the mug.

25. Because while I can plot a trilogy with intricate sub plots and nuanced character arcs, I apparently cannot remember to take the tea bag out of the mug when it's finished steeping. Instead, I just sort of pin it to the side of the mug and drink around it.

26. Except for the time last week when I forgot to pin it to the side of the mug.

27. I tipped the mug up, took a swallow of hot tea, and got a smooshy hot tea bag straight to the eye.

28. Which leads me right to the last item on my list.

29. EYES.

30. I believe my readers are well aware of the good-natured animosity that exists between my eye Dr and me.

31. Mostly because eye stuff is SO GROSS and he thinks it's funny to show me pictures of eye fungus and roll my eyelid up with a stick.

32. I had an exam this last week. And he didn't show me nasty pictures. Mostly because I closed my eyes and told him his indecent enthusiasm for the various stages of WHATEVER he wanted to show me was wrong on every level.

33. He also didn't try to roll my eyelid up with a stick, though he did tell me he'd had an old lady in that day with grass in her eye and he'd been unable to roll her eye up with a stick because her eyelid skin was so thin and crinkly he couldn't get a grip.

34. I gag at the thought of other people rubbing their own eyes too long.

35. I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW about old lady eyelids.

36. I informed my Dr of this fact. He thought I was funny.

37. But he got the last laugh. Oh, yes.

38. At the end of the appointment, he acknowledged that my prescription had changed and went to find a new pair of contacts for me to try.

39. When he returned, I put them in and the entire world just ... disappeared.

40. Gone.

41. Poof.

42. Nothing but a faint swirl of shapeless colors.

43. I said, "Lucy, you've got some splainin to do."

44. He told me it would take a minute for my eyes to relax and adjust to the new prescription.

45. I told him I couldn't see a single thing. Not. One. Thing.

46. He asked if maybe I'd put the contacts in inside out.

47. I hadn't. And at this point, I was beginning to feel seriously nauseous.

48. I informed him of this. Along with the salient fact that as there was no way I could SEE the trashcan, I was just going to vomit at will if he didn't fix the situation.

49. He laughed.

50. And I said, "I may be blind, but I can still track you by the sound of your voice and kill you dead."

51. Then he looked at the box of contacts, was silent for a long time, and then said "Um. Take them out. This is the wrong prescription."

52. No, really?

53. I took them out. He gave me the right prescription. And then showed me that my prescription is a +4.35 and he'd accidentally given me a pair of -4.35.

54. Who needs his eye rolled up with a stick NOW??

55. I am never going to let him live this down.


  1. OMG I laughed the whole post!! amazing!!

  2. Don't appologize for the tea bag. You just instinctively knew that people use tea bags on their eyes to reduce swelling. You'd been up for ages, editing your Holy Cow Awesome book and decided to give yourself a mini spa moment. No, you should be drinking tea with TWO bags, that way you'll be able to do both eyes at once. : )

  3. Remind me to never read your blog while in a board meeting again! While some college dean was rambling about something, I almost laughed out loud! :-)

  4. *silently slips your optometrist a $20*

  5. How have you not ended up needing bail money yet?

  6. 1. That picture is absolutely awesome!!!

    2. You're trying to kill me... I swear. Who paid you? *looks around with shifty eyes*

    3. Ouch. Never get Dr. Pepper up your nose.

    4. Teabag to the eye? That's talent right there.

    5. I think 50 is my favorite point. : D


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