Monday, October 24, 2011

Imma Bouta Bring It

1. Okay, I'm going to arm-wrestle Blogger into submission this week and there will be POSTS.

2. Whether you feel like reading them is on you. I'm just saying there will be POSTS if I have to do things to Blogger that are probably illegal in 39 states.

3. Last week as I was driving Starshine somewhere, he started telling me about a song he and a friend are going to sing for the school's talent show. Then he said "And maybe we'll dance too. But I don't know what kind of dance to do."

4. Because I am never short of (probably awful) ideas, I said, "How about the robot?"

5. I demonstrated.

6. While driving.

7. Not the easiest thing to do, but in my defense, I was at a stop light. The only danger to other drivers was an unwanted glimpse of a truly uncoordinated woman trying to do a dance that died two decades ago with a steering wheel in her way.

8. Starshine didn't appreciate my efforts. He said, "We don't want to be robots."

9. I said, "Fine. Then how about the chicken dance?"

10. And I proceeded to try to demonstrate. The seat belt and the steering wheel conspired to make my demonstration slightly difficult to accomplish.

11. Starshine looked at me and said, "Mom, you look like a chicken giving birth. No WAY am I doing that in front of the entire school."

12. Kids. So ungrateful.

13. Last time I waste my awesome Chicken Giving Birth dance skillz on him.

14. Over the weekend, I had to stop at the store with all four kids and no hubby to help me. This isn't always a problem, but the teenager was grumpy, the baby had a coughing fit and spit up on her shirt, and the two younger boys were trying to see how fast they could incur my patented Death Glare.

15. We got through the store, made our purchases, and started walking through the parking lot. Starshine and Daredevil challenged each other to RACE through the FULL parking lot and yelled back at me, "See you at the car!"

16. Not on my watch, kiddos.

17. I yelled "Stop! Running through a full parking lot is a good way to get killed!"

18. They stopped, remained silent for a moment, and then Daredevil looked at Starshine and said, "Well, at least now we know a GOOD way to get killed. And here I thought all ways to die were bad. Who knew?"

19. Smarty pants.

20. Takes after me.

21. In other news, I had my photo shoot this past week for my official author publicity shots.

22. I do not mind telling you I was really nervous about this.

23. Mostly because I don't consider myself photogenic. And because if my license and my Costco card are any indication, I had an excellent chance of looking like an escaped convict hopped up on Red Bull.

24. Turns out how I was going to look on film was the least of my worries.

25. The true danger lay in my inability to remain proper and demur, even in a room full of strangers.

26. Before we started taking pics, the photographer asked me to wear the white blouse I'd brought with me.

27. At this point, I suddenly realized that in my frantic attempts to get out of the house on time, I'd neglected one very important detail.

28. I'd worn my orange bra.

29. And brought a white shirt.

30. Yes, I own an orange bra. And pink, red, blue ... my underwear drawer looks like a bag of Skittles.

31. I digress.

32. At this point, I should tell you the photographer and her assistants were all women. Not that it makes my actions much better, but ... still.

33. I looked at the photographer and said, "Um, can you make sure with lighting or photo shop or something that no one can see my orange bra shining through this white shirt?"

34. She said, "You have an orange bra?"

35. And I said, "Yes."

36. And then, dear reader, I grabbed the neckline of my shirt and PULLED IT DOWN to show her.

37. As my hands were tugging at my shirt, my brain was screaming "NOOOOOO! You're about to be inappropriate! STOP!"

38. But it was too late.

39. The C.J. Without Her Filter ship had already set sail.

40. Fortunately, the photographer thought my bra was pretty, and when I apologized for flashing her ON PURPOSE, she laughed and didn't care.

41. We got along for the rest of the photo shoot, and I'll have pics to share soon.

42. One of the poses I picked is my Imma Bouta Bring It face. That one goes on the blog. ;D

This Week (unless Blogger wants to die):

Tuesday: Spooky book trailer!
Wednesday: Author interview with Jacki Frank
Friday: Help Wanted Ad


  1. Oh, I'm so glad you're inappropriate! I just attended a sales conference wearing a v-neck sweater that stretches lower and lower with every passing second. I was so afraid my ladies were going to make an appearance while I was doing my q&a. ;)

  2. Haha! Without fail, every time I read one of your funny posts I'm in a public place drinking hot coffee. And people look at me when I start snorting because I'm trying not to choke on the HOT liquid. Haha, good times.

  3. Oh those infamous days that we either own them or put a pillow over our head when the alarm goes off. Crazy just keeps things honest.

  4. What a great day to find your site. Loved this post. New follower and I can't wait to see what's up next.

  5. Why do you own an orange bra? You don't wear orange, unless you're planning to do some road work at night and need something to warn drivers. But I guess your Chicken Robot Dance of Doom would do that just as nicely.

    Orange bra? Really? Is it made from Spree?

  6. I'm sure Robot and/or chicken dance are safer than talking on the cell while driving. The orange bra - not so sure. That's a category of distraction unto itself.

  7. Yes, H.C., I have an orange bra. It's actually more like a pretty orange sherbet color. Or maybe canteloupe. It's pretty. Ask my photographer.


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