Friday, November 18, 2011

Help Wanted

I've decided the general mayhem of my life would be greatly improved if I could find an assistant. Naturally, any assistant of mine will need to have some unique qualifications. I've decided to run this potential ad by my blog readers before I post it on Craig's List.

Job Description:

Personal assistant to full-time writer, mother of four, consummate food-snorter, and general lunatic.


*Must love to read YA books in any stage of completion. In a related note, must be willing to read chapters that will change fifteen times, must not bat an eye when established plot lines are thrown into the garbage disposal, and must be able to intelligently discuss things like swoony almost-kisses and how to blow things up.

*Must enjoy cooking or at least fake it really well.

*Must never, under any circumstances, bring green beans into my house.

*Must be able to keep shiny seekrits.

*Must understand social networking, have relationships with bloggers and reviewers, and must be willing to stalk do reasonable research on the possibility that Johnny Depp is moving to Nashville.

*Must be able to give a succinct definition of crazypants. Also, must enjoy working with someone who is crazypants.

*Must flush the toilet after every use. While this might seem to be a given, I'm a mother of three boys. I take nothing for granted.

*Must be able to type, text, skype, and vlog. Bonus if you also know how to make me look like Jennifer Garner in my own vlogs.

*Must know an amazing recipe for lemon bars of awesomeness.

*Must remember where I left my cellphone. And my car keys. And my brain.

*Must be willing to make emergency peach tea runs.

*Must be on good terms with the Were-llama. If you can match him for distance in a spitting contest, you are instantly hired.

*Must be able to participate in a rousing discussion on any and all aspects of Harry Potter. Bonus points if you know how to make butter beer.

*Must know how to reply diplomatically to all emails. Even those from people with an enlarged sense of entitlement.

*Must be able to carry on a phone conversation with me even while I am simultaneously changing a poopy diaper, yelling at the dog, and keeping my boys from blowing up the downstairs.

*Must not consider In 'N Out burger's fries to be the world's best. If you fail on this one, you may qualify to be my HUSBAND'S assistant, but not mine.

*Extra consideration will be given to anyone who can provide unique and inspiring musical suggestions for my playlists. Even MORE consideration will be given to anyone who can break out in show tunes at a moment's notice.


Qualified applicants will be paid in free books (both ARCs and already published), generous acknowledgements in the back of my books, my willingness to kill or maim (within the pages of my books) anyone you choose, use of the Were-llama on weekends, and an unlimited supply of cookies. Homemade, of course.

I wonder if I'll have any takers?


  1. Ha! If I can get a clone machine up and running, I'll send it your way.

  2. I'll take it! *off to practice spitting*

  3. I'd apply if I lived in Nashville. I'd even read your chapters more than 15 times if necessary for I feel your pain on that one. (Beta Reader - "Really, I have to read Chapter 1 again? I've already read five times." Me - "But it's changed significantly from the last time you read it".) And I'm working on a fabulous lemon bar recipe but keep getting distracted; making sweet potato muffins with buttered rum glaze and gooey butter cake instead. I have boys, hate green beans, and have already stalked Johnny Depp for my best friend. I'd give you the rest of my qualifications but then you'd be depressed that I live in WA and not TN.

  4. I love it! I would totally apply if I lived nearby.

  5. C.J, you are my absolute favorite lunatic in the whole wide world. ^_^ And if I did not have children, I'd be throwing myself at your doorstep.

    Would you consider dividing this position into a number of part-time divisions of responsibility? I qualify for most of these...and I'm willing to give that spitting contest my all. :D I'm pretty good with Photoshop, in the context of both the vindictive and constructive... but sadly, I have all of the diplomatic skills of an enraged moose.

    ~Angela Blount

  6. Flush after EVERY use??? Bah, I was so close. Give me a shout if you decide to relax on that one.

  7. Honestly, if I lived in Nashville, I'd be ALL over it. Being an assistant to an author is fun!

  8. If I lived in Nashville, I would pucker my lips, and get my spitter ready. I need that Were-Llama on the weekends!

  9. What? No cupcakes or mention of ability to get you back on track when your sister sends you into the amazing shoe sale website abyss?

  10. That would seriously be something I'd volunteer for if I wasn't on the other side of the country & had no skills with cooking. I can bake, but not cook...
    I also have no idea how to vlog or bust out in show tunes.

    *sigh* I shall be envious of who ever gets to do this job.

  11. You had me at Johnny Depp and were-llamas! Can Jersey girlz apply? Cause the emergency peach tea runs might take awhile ;)
    ~Marlo from BIOTM

  12. I had no idea there would be people interested in assisting me for such a strange compensation package!! lol You are all made of WIN!

  13. CJ, how could you not know we'd all fight for that job? : D

  14. Clearly I have seriously underestimated the awesomeness of my blog readers!!


People who comment are made of awesomesauce with a side of WIN!

A Bad Culinary Decision

A few days ago, on a whim, I bought a bag of Lay's Potato Chips in their new Chicken and Waffles flavor. I figured my kids (who love bot...