Friday, January 13, 2012

Were-llama Reviews: GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS

Recently, on the advice of this blog owner, I read this book:



The book jacket promised the following adventure:

Once a century, one person is chosen for greatness.



Elisa is the chosen one.


But she is also the younger of two princesses. The one who has never done anything remarkable, and can’t see how she ever will.


Now, on her sixteenth birthday, she has become the secret wife of a handsome and worldly king—a king whose country is in turmoil. A king who needs her to be the chosen one, not a failure of a princess.

And he’s not the only one who seeks her. Savage enemies, seething with dark magic, are hunting her. A daring, determined revolutionary thinks she could be his people’s savior, and he looks at her in a way that no man has ever looked at her before. Soon it is not just her life, but her very heart that is at stake.
Elisa could be everything to those who need her most. If the prophecy is fulfilled. If she finds the power deep within herself. If she doesn’t die young.


Most of the chosen do.

As you might expect after reading that summary, this is a book full of grand adventures, magic, and delicious pastries. What? You didn't see "delicious pastries" in that description? Well, SPOILER ALERT. There are delicious pastries in this book. Or there were before I went in and ate them all.


All your pastries are belong to ME!


I love a thrilling adventure as much as the next llama, but this book has something more than danger, romance, and the aforementioned pastries. Something the book jacket failed to mention. Hidden in the depths of this book is a veritable love fest for camels.

Camels.

Camels: Exhibit A for "AAAHHH MY EYES!"

It's been said that camels and llamas are similar, but comparing the two is like saying geckos and Komodo dragons are both capable of ripping off your arm. The author of this book seems to need a lesson in this distinction. The only thing the camel has going for it is its ability to survive in the desert for long periods of time without water. This, apparently, is an attractive trait to those humans who like to wander around in burning sand for days on end.

Guess what? Llamas don't need much water, either. Only we manage to pull off this feat without growing an unsightly hump.


My humps! My humps! My lovely lady lumps!

Camels can carry heavy loads for humans. News flash! Llamas can do. Only we don't let humans dress us up like Lady Gaga while we do it.


Born this way? I think not.

Also, what happens if you camel-lovers have a confrontation with someone who means you harm? The llama's stare can turn even the strongest man's digestive tract into a water slide of misery.



Death. It's coming for you.



I can't feel my lower lip. Can you feel my lower lip? Maybe I don't even HAVE a lower lip.

And what if your enemy attacks? A camel shows its displeasure by sticking out its tongue. A llama can conjure up spit, air, and even stomach bile to spit in your enemy's face.


Nyah-nyah-nyah! That will show them!

The plain fact of the matter is this: having a love fest for camels instead of llamas is like saying you'd like to have Richard Simmons go to bat for you even though Chuck Norris is available.

Kicked in the hump.
 
Don't let the lack of pastries and the unfortunate existence of camels deter you from reading this book, however.  The adventure is well worth the small sacrifice of having to replace the word "camel" with the word "llama" as you read. I suggest using a black sharpie for this purpose. One can only hope the author takes this comprehensive lesson in Llama vs. Camel facts into consideration in the sequel. GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS: Nearly as awesome as me.
 
SPIT-O-METER

4.5 out of 5 gallons

 
 
 
 
Interviewer extraordinaire, cover model, and super scary shape-shifter, the Were-llama now adds reviewer to his long list of awesome credentials. His views are his own. And because he can command obedience with the awesome power of his glowing red eyes, his views are also YOURS. When the Were-llama wants your opinion, he will give it to you.

11 comments:

  1. The camels in The Girl of Fire and Thorns want you to know that they understand. Given that they're each 5 to 6 times your size, they realize you have "small-camelid complex" and are acting out in your envy of their ability to carry 200-300 lbs over long distances. But it's okay! Carrying very tiny children is important too! In short (<--haha), they think you're cute.

    (They admit, though, that you're a lot prettier. They might even be jealous.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Were-llama would like me to tell you that he spits in your general direction.

      Also? Your mother was a camel and your father smelt of elderberries.

      Delete
  2. I kowtow before the brilliance of the Were-llama. Wait, no, I'm on the floor because I fell off my chair laughing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. And here I thought llamas were the teddy bears of the camelids. (That information came from Emporer's New Groove, btw)Obviously, Disney was wrong. Again.

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  4. Oh my! I just snorted. Seriously.

    What about Alpacas?

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  5. Oh my I LOVE these reviews. YUCKO. Camel's tongues are gross. What about a Llama's tongue? They have to be so much prettier.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The photos were disgusting. Thanks for that, Were-Llama.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm trying not to guffaw while reading this during a staff meeting.

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  8. I think this is the best review I've ever read. Thank you, were-llama. Thank you. *kneels before awesomeness of were-llama*

    ReplyDelete

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