Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pants, Voices, & Ron Burgundy!

Not that wearing pants helps me any. Just last week, I ran several errands, talked to any number of people in the course of those errands, and then returned home to discover I'd neglected to zip up my jeans. I'm just going to start color-coordinating my undies with my outfit so that when this kind of stuff happens (And let's face it ... this wasn't the first, and it won't be the last.), I can just call it accessorizing and move on with my day.

Considering my track record, there's a 2 in 10 chance you'll see more than you bargained for if you come to a book signing of mine.

*remembers the time she flashed her orange bra at her photographer*

Um ... better make that a 3 in 10 chance.

Who needs swag when you can just roll film and get a viral video out of it, amiright?

The problem with writing this post is that a) I've forgotten to number my thoughts and so now you all are expecting a coherent post instead of a collection of random, disjointed thoughts, b) I'm too brain dead at the moment to go back NOW and number things, and c) I had no idea what I was going to say until I put that pic up and got inspired.

But the pants inspiration has left me.

It's over.


So, I guess I should probably choose another visual.

Actually, I'm not 100% convinced the voices aren't real ...

But! Speaking of voices, I went to see John Carter (a sneak peek) last week. I'm not going to give my opinion on the movie because the Were-llama is DESPERATE to give his (tune in Friday), but I will give you a veritable earful (eyeful ... whatever) on something else.

Theater Etiquette.


Guess what is a nice, polite, proof that you were not raised by a pack of mentally deranged weasels way to behave while in a public theater surrounded by other people who (shockingly enough) wish to actually pay attention to the movie?

Silence. Laughter at the funny bits. And then more silence.

If you really want to be polite and non-mentally-deranged-weasel-ish, you even hold back on scrounging around in the bottom of your obscenely loud cellophane candy bag for the last Skittle during crucial moments of quiet conversation on screen.

But if you want to be the OPPOSITE of nice, polite, and non-mentally-deranged-weasel-ish, then you behave like the man who sat behind me during the sneak peek of John Carter.

First, allow me to tell you this man proved himself to be perfectly capable of holding a rational, intelligent discourse before the film. I was sitting directly in front of him listening as he and his friend discussed books. He showed no signs of rudeness, verbal tics, or an inability to comprehend the wrath of those sitting around him.

But from the very first second of the film, he became Movie Moron: able to enrage others, ruin films, and sound like an idiot without once breaking a sweat!

You want proof? Here it is. Every ten to fifteen seconds, he made a ridiculously loud "Huh, HUH, huh!" sound. For reference, as an expressive sound it registered somewhere between having an epiphany and having a bowel movement. And he used it for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. The character learns something new? Huh HUH huh. The character stares pensively into the distance? Huh HUH huh. The camera pans over a body of water? Huh HUH huh.

I kid you not.

AND he complemented that behavior by answering questions asked of the characters before they could open their mouths and speak for themselves.

You have no idea how much I longed to turn around and say "It's water. Not an epiphany! Water. And fyi, all questions asked on film are considered rhetorical for us. ALSO, FYI, YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I COME OVER THIS SEAT AND DO IT FOR YOU."

But I couldn't. Because we were in special media seats due to my hubby's job. And we'd checked in by name. I was the only girl in the entire media row. If I started something (and by golly FINISHED it), it wouldn't have been hard to pinpoint the source of the conflict. So, for the sake of not embarrassing my hubby and ruining his relationship with the Disney rep, I did not say what needed to be said.


Now, I should probably end this strange pants meets deranged weasel-ish post with another visual, don't you think? Here you go! Happy Wednesday. :)


  1. Saw the pants comment and had to come on over! ;)

    1. You are the FIRST person I thought of when I saw the pants pic. =D

  2. This Ron Burgundy quote sums up Wednesday perfectly. haha! I've also sported the 'zipper-down' accessory. It happens. :)

  3. I never go to opening night of anything anymore. Somehow people have thought that Get Smart is real and a Cone of Silence encloses them everywhere they go, allowing them to comment on anything, anywhere, any time. A near empty theater, rows away from anyone else is my favorite seating.

    Theaters have started to notice the behavior as well. I've noticed them recently not only telling people to turn off their cellphones but to SHHHH! during the previews.

  4. 2 comments:

    First, pants. Highly, *highly* overrated. I don't tend to lose mine with the ease Ms Kim does, but then I do avoid wearing them whenever possible ;-) Yes, I will make it through the zombie apocalypse by kicking undead butt and taking names in a sundress!

    Second, I totally admire your movie restraint. I've learned to tone down my theater going rage at the rudeness of others, but it was only after I had to be, ahem, bodily removed from a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I would like to mention, however, that I was bodily removed AFTER the credits rolled, becasue I was polite enough to confront the offending party at the end of the feature. And I was completely polite...up until the rude movie watcher decided to become even more rude/dangerously stupid and put her hands on me. That was a situation just frought with poor decision making.

  5. As a person for whom poor theater etiquette is also a huge pet peeve - I think you're probably going to love this (NSFW):

  6. Love the post, lol. I know exactly how you feel I sometimes want to jump over my seat and seriously go mental on those that can't seem to keep quiet during a movie. It's sooo annoying!

  7. Oh, I HATE theater wreckers! There should be a trap door in the seat that the people sitting around you can activate. The Red Button of Ejection. Or Doom. Their seat would drop to a padded cell in the theater basement until the end of the movie, when they're released with their mouths taped shut.
    Not that I've thought about it or anything...*whistles*

  8. I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it's rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

    pants manufacturers


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