Friday, June 29, 2012

Cockroach and Cat Litter

Once again, I bring you a transcript of a very disturbing run while you can! chat I had with Jodi Meadows. Read at your own risk.

ETA: After this posting, my mom made it clear that the cat box was brand new and unused and she disinfected the toothbrush. I've edited this to keep her reputation as an OCD cleaner intact. :)

Jodi Meadows: AND NOW A BUG KILLED ITSELF IN MY ORANGE JUICE


C.J. Redwine: GROSS

Jodi Meadows: I have possibly the grossest story ever to tell you

C.J. Redwine: that is exactly the reason why I cannot drink without looking in my glass

Jodi Meadows: it does involve bugs

C.J. Redwine: OH NO

Jodi Meadows: (yeah, I always look)

C.J. Redwine: *gags preemptorily*

C.J. Redwine: bring it

Jodi Meadows: okay

Jodi Meadows: so it all starts on Thursday night

Jodi Meadows: at my mom's

Jodi Meadows: My brother and I are in the kitchen cleaning up

Jodi Meadows: and he jumps back

Jodi Meadows: and shrieks

Jodi Meadows: (my brother is not what you'd call a manly boy)

Jodi Meadows: because a GIANT COCKROACH just crawled under the ledge of the counter

Jodi Meadows: we both try to destroy it

Jodi Meadows: but it escapes into the crevice between the dishwasher and the counter

Jodi Meadows: we admit defeat

Jodi Meadows: but LATER

Jodi Meadows: one of the cats starts staring at the ceiling

Jodi Meadows: and I see THE COCKROACH on the ceiling

Jodi Meadows: fortunately I have an empty cup

Jodi Meadows: so I get on a chair, grab a napkin, and trap it in the cup

Jodi Meadows: and then toss it outside

Jodi Meadows: (I can't squash them. I can't take the crunch)

Jodi Meadows: and then I think all is well

Jodi Meadows: FAST FORWARD TO FRIDAY

C.J. Redwine: crunch is bad

Jodi Meadows: Mom and I are in her bathroom brushing our teeth

Jodi Meadows: everything is great

C.J. Redwine: oh please no

Jodi Meadows: my teeth are clean

Jodi Meadows: it's wonderful

C.J. Redwine: gag gag gag already

Jodi Meadows: and then I get the cup that I'd been keeping my toothbrush in (bristles down)

Jodi Meadows: and using to rinse with..

C.J. Redwine: GAG GAG

Jodi Meadows: AND THERE IT IS

C.J. Redwine: STOP

Jodi Meadows: IN THE CUP

C.J. Redwine: I'M BEGGING YOU

C.J. Redwine: OMG

C.J. Redwine: HOLY VOMIT

Jodi Meadows: SNUGGLING UP TO MY TOOTHBRUSH

C.J. Redwine: AIDOHEIOANIOEW8U3029UR09 J

Jodi Meadows: WHICH I'D ALREADY USED

C.J. Redwine: YOU JUST KILLED ME

C.J. Redwine: DEAD

Jodi Meadows: COCKROACH COOTIES ON

Jodi Meadows: MY

Jodi Meadows: TEETH

Jodi Meadows: ON

Jodi Meadows: MY

Jodi Meadows: TONGUE

C.J. Redwine: did you puke?

Jodi Meadows: YES

C.J. Redwine: because I would totally puke

C.J. Redwine: I'm puking NOW

C.J. Redwine: on your behalf

Jodi Meadows: me too

Jodi Meadows: gag

Jodi Meadows: gag gag

C.J. Redwine: aaaaahhhhhhh

Jodi Meadows: I YELPED

Jodi Meadows: and trapped it

C.J. Redwine: my tongue doesn't know what to do with my teeth!

Jodi Meadows: and took it outside again

C.J. Redwine: blech blech

C.J. Redwine: JODI

Jodi Meadows: and then rinsed with peroxide

C.J. Redwine: KILL THE COCKROACH

C.J. Redwine: KILL IT

Jodi Meadows: THAT IS WHAT MY MOM SAID WHEN I GOT BACK

Jodi Meadows: SHE SAID WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT IT DOWN THE TOILET

C.J. Redwine: see???

C.J. Redwine: drown the sucker

Jodi Meadows: AND I SAID BC AT MY HOUSE, ONLY POOP GOES DOWN THE TOILET

Jodi Meadows: I HAVE A SEPTIC

Jodi Meadows: AND I ALWAYS FORGET

C.J. Redwine: did it lay eggs on your toothbrush, do you think?

C.J. Redwine: is helpful*

Jodi Meadows: GROSS

C.J. Redwine: you're going to unfriend me on FB now, aren't you?

Jodi Meadows: I PUT PEROXIDE IN MY MOUTH

C.J. Redwine: it whitens teeth!

Jodi Meadows: yes!

C.J. Redwine: and kills cockroach eggs!

Jodi Meadows: and then I brushed again with a new brush

C.J. Redwine: darn it, now I'm all gaggy and pukey

Jodi Meadows: I warned you

C.J. Redwine: I will tell you a story in return

C.J. Redwine: BRACE YOURSELF

Jodi Meadows: oh man

C.J. Redwine: this is worse

C.J. Redwine: because of the insidious nature

Jodi Meadows: (the cup was dark blue, otherwise I would have seen the sucker)

C.J. Redwine: of my parental unit

C.J. Redwine: well, there's your problem

C.J. Redwine: CLEAR CUPS, JODI

Jodi Meadows: YES
C.J. Redwine: ok, so

Jodi Meadows: your story

C.J. Redwine: my parents have multiple cats

C.J. Redwine: and after I moved out to go to college, somehow the cat box ended up in our bathroom

C.J. Redwine: right below the window against the wall

C.J. Redwine: which is fine

C.J. Redwine: my sister was the only one using the bathroom and she could use my counter

Jodi Meadows: oh

C.J. Redwine: my mom told me this story YEARS after it happened

C.J. Redwine: which is disturbing

C.J. Redwine: because WHAT STORIES ISN'T SHE TELLING ME?

C.J. Redwine: anyway, she told me she was cleaning the bathroom

C.J. Redwine: and she accidentally knocked my sister's toothbrush INTO THE CATBOX

Jodi Meadows: ...

Jodi Meadows: WHAT

C.J. Redwine: what would you do with said toothbrush?

Jodi Meadows: THROW IT AWAY

Jodi Meadows: THROW

Jodi Meadows: IT

Jodi Meadows: AWAY

Jodi Meadows: IT IS TAINTED

C.J. Redwine: of course!

C.J. Redwine: NOT MY MOTHER

C.J. Redwine: she WASHED it and PUT IT BACK

Jodi Meadows: DEFILED

Jodi Meadows: NOOOOOO

Jodi Meadows: NO NO NO GROSSSSSS

C.J. Redwine: and didn't tell my sister!

C.J. Redwine: !!!!

Jodi Meadows: D:

C.J. Redwine: so of course, I begin to scroll back through my ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

C.J. Redwine: and wonder

Jodi Meadows: RIGHT???

C.J. Redwine: how many times did MY toothbrush get washed and put back?

C.J. Redwine: HOW MANY, JODI?

Jodi Meadows: AT LEAST FIVE

C.J. Redwine: the bathroom grout was always clean

C.J. Redwine: now I find that suspicous!

Jodi Meadows: probably a reason for that

C.J. Redwine: I finally told my sister

C.J. Redwine: she didn't take it well
Jodi Meadows: seriously

Jodi Meadows: GAG

C.J. Redwine: now I don't know what to do with my mouth

C.J. Redwine: if I open it, I gag

C.J. Redwine: this is your fault

C.J. Redwine: this is like the time I felt a spider on my face at night

C.J. Redwine: and panicked and slapped it GOD KNOWS WHERE

Jodi Meadows: AGAHHHH

C.J. Redwine: and then I was terrified to sleep because where did it go?

C.J. Redwine: those suckers hold a grudge

Jodi Meadows: INDEED

C.J. Redwine: what if it crawled into my mouth?

C.J. Redwine: up my nose?

Jodi Meadows: we know how those things go

C.J. Redwine: oh yes

Jodi Meadows: O__O

C.J. Redwine: lay eggs in my brain
Jodi Meadows: OMC

Jodi Meadows: that's where defiance came from!

C.J. Redwine: one day I sneeze and BAM! spiders

C.J. Redwine: ahahahahaha

C.J. Redwine: yes!

C.J. Redwine: spider in the brain

C.J. Redwine: Incarnate came from cockroach in the mouth

Jodi Meadows: BRAIN SPIDER

C.J. Redwine: *pukes*

Jodi Meadows: GAHHH

C.J. Redwine: *gags*

C.J. Redwine: revisits dinner*

C.J. Redwine: why do you do this to me?

Jodi Meadows: I don't know

Jodi Meadows: I'm sorry
C.J. Redwine: this is a blog post

C.J. Redwine: you realize this
 
There you have it. That's what I did with my Friday night ...

20 comments:

  1. I have no idea why I read either of your books... :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. There was a cockroach in my bathroom last night...it ran before I could kill it.

    *stares at toothbrush suspiciously*

    ReplyDelete
  3. *gag* No really. Sorry, I thought it couldn't get worse than the cockroach and then I read about the cat box. I'm off to boil my toothbrush now. It's too late to buy a new one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was highly disturbing yet highly entertaining at the same time... *glares at toothbrush*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Has your mother approved this blog post?...Is she even aware it exists and that her secrets are now out in the light of day? Ah, Phyllis...

    ReplyDelete
  6. FFFFUUUUU!!!! This is the most disgusting thing I have EVER read. You both have my sympathies :(

    ReplyDelete
  7. This was very good. Gross, but good. I am at least glad that no bugs or cats were harmed during the making of this blog post :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is so freaking funny. You should put it in screenplay format and send it to Lorne Michaels.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I just bought a new brush for my electric toothbrush. I am now seriously considering scoping out plastic cases that would hold it. My concern is that the bristles wouldn't dry. Perhaps I could find one with pinprick holes in it that allowed airflow. This was very disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love it when something is hilarious and gross at the same time. Thanks for the gags and laughs!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ewwwww!!!!!!! I'm going to be totally paranoid about my toothbrushes from now on!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am never sleeping again. *eyes the spiders hiding in the corner*

    ReplyDelete
  13. Why did I read this right before going to bed? *Nightmares about toothbrushes and cockroaches and cat poop* Gag and shudder.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Okay, absolutely DISGUSTING and my friend once told me that a spider crawls into your mouth eight times a year. I blame you for bringing up those memories -.- I am not going to enjoy these next few sleepless nights. I feel like gagging right now, and I don't even want to KNOW what MY grandma—who's super conservative and reuses EVERYTHING—would do if my toothbrush had accidentally ended up in cat litter.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I read this whole story to the boyfriend, and died laughing.

    I can make you feel better...
    I was asleep one night, and a cockroach crawled up my nose. Of course I woke up because I could FEEL it crawling, and I freaked out, blew my nose, threw up, did the works, still gag remembering it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love when you guys do this. Haha, I love when I see authors being besties.

    Also, please pardon me while I barf EVERYWHERE.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh for heavens sake! The cat box was CLEAN! New liner and fresh litter! I disinfected the toothbrush too. I would have done the same if it had been my toothbrush. It's plain to see that great writers have vivid imaginations!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have just come to visit your blog after a publicist for Atom contacted me about Defiance and a possible guest post. And I read this. And now not only do I need to read your book (which I was dying to do anyway), need you on my blog (I was looking for topic inspiration), I now need to read your blog constantly! This is hilarious! :D Too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ok... while that had to be one of the NASTIEST stories I have ever let myself read, I can't stop laughing! OMG!! You two are hysterical.

    ReplyDelete

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