2. We all know I can't leave my house without doing something absent-minded or ridiculous.
3. Usually because I'm almost always somewhere else inside my head while I try to live real life, and that often blows up in my face.
4. My week was fine until I left the house to drive to the retreat. I had to stop by Target for my contribution to the weekend's menu and then by Dress Barn to find a pair of non-denim, non-yoga pants to wear at my daughter's dedication on Sunday and to an upcoming reception for the Nashville literary community. (Although, let's be honest ... any reception for a literary community will probably include at least ONE pair of yoga pants in attendance ...)
5. I think my mistake was in stopping at Target first. Why?
6. Because the automatic doors ruined me for all other doors.
7. Ruined me.
8. Need proof?
9. I walked into Dress Barn, grabbed the first pair of nice black pants I saw, purchased them, and then headed for the door. I had a two hour drive ahead of me, and I was already running a little behind. I had no time to waste with browsing or dressing rooms.
10. I was focused on leaving.
11. Sadly, I should've been focused on HOW to leave.
12. I walked toward the front doors like a Boss. I had it timed just right. Slow enough to give the sensor for the automatic door time to realize I was coming, but fast enough to hit the doorway right after the glass obligingly got out of my way.
13. The problem?
14. Dress Barn doesn't have automatic doors.
15. You'd think since I had to manually open the door to enter the store that I would've realized this, but alas. My mind had left Dress Barn the second I'd finished purchasing the pants. My body was simply trying to catch up.
16. I closed in on the door, and some small presence still lingering in my head (instead of thinking through my route and running over the workshops I was scheduled to present) said quietly, "The door isn't opening."
17. I didn't slow down.
18. The voice spoke louder. "The door isn't opening. It ISN'T opening."
19. The rest of my brain, yanked rudely from its contemplations, said "Huh?"
20. At this point, I was maybe twelve inches from the door.
21. My brain blinked, looked around, realized the danger, and screamed, "ABORT! ABORT!"
22. But as is usually the case with me, physics, my old scientific nemesis, got the best of me.
23. I was already in motion, and the only thing that could stop me was an immovable object.
24. The door decided to volunteer for that task.
25. I slammed into the glass door like I'd robbed a bank and was trying to make a getaway. Like I meant business.
26. Like a BOSS.
27. Because when I do something? I never do it halfway.
28. It looked a lot like this:
Followed by this:
29. The poor saleslady next to the door made a dreadful snort-cackle sound before she swallowed her laughter and asked if I was ok.
30. I told her to just go ahead and laugh. I know if I saw me? I'd be laughing for the next hour.
31. I gathered the shreds of my dignity around me and left the building like THIS:
32. And then I got into the car and called Myra McEntire, MG Buehrlen, and Jodi Meadows to tell them what I'd done. They weren't surprised in the least. I think the only thing that would surprise them at this point is if I leave the house and DON'T do something stupid.
33. Aaaaaand, speaking of doing something stupid ...
34. I wear contacts, which means that when I travel, I need travel-size contact solution. Thanks to my eye doctor (whose somewhat combative relationship with me is documented here), I have TWO travel sized bottles. He gave me samples the last time I was in. One is a regular saline solution. One is a hydrogen peroxide solution that must be neutralized by putting my contacts in a special container that has a metal disk and then leaving them there for a full six hours.
35. Guess where my brain was while I was packing?
36. Not in my bathroom reading the labels on my contact solution bottles, I can tell you that much.
37. Know when I figured out I'd taken the hydrogen peroxide mixture by mistake?
38. WHEN I TOOK MY CONTACT OUT OF THE SOLUTION SATURDAY MORNING AND PLACED IT ON MY EYE.
39. My eye was red for an hour afterward. It. Was. Awesome.
40. And guess what? I'm traveling again this weekend!
41. What could possibly go wrong?
Omg, CJ. <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, as the daughter of an ophthalmologist, I FEEL for you regarding the bad contact solution deal. I refuse to use those for exactly this reason.
Oh, CJ! You are a riot...I hope you're head is fine... lol
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for that! But you have a sunny way of looking at it and bless you for that! I think I would have cried for a little bit and then turned the music up real loud and sang my heart out. But wait...I have very bad nerves so I probably wouldn't have been driving too much anyways! I also have four kids so I don't go many places without allies.
ReplyDeleteI hope your eye feels much better! You are still a boss!
I can attest to the red eye for an hour. It was quite lovely :)
ReplyDeleteI was terrified, CJ, that I was about to read that something else happened on the way home! Sounds like you made it in one piece, at least ;)
Ha ha ha ha! Best Post Ever. Ok, sorry for laughing at your total humiliation, but it's seriously the story of my life and I feel totally connected to others that have similar moments.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm a book fan:) Just thought I'd pop in and leave a random comment.
Yes. Best post ever.
ReplyDeleteAww! This made me laugh so hard. The slamming-into-a-door thing sounds exactly like something I'd do lol. Travel safely this weekend! ;)
ReplyDeleteDear Lord! You simply are awesome for surviving all that happens to you, and not just survive it but thrive as you do! Hopefully you got yourself a lemon bar after the door incident cause you surely deserve it!!
ReplyDeleteOMG CJ - I am dying here! I love your posts...simply love them. :)
ReplyDeleteHydrogen Peroxide solution straight into the eye is THE WORST. Also, I'm super jealous that you have Myra McEntire, MG Buehrlen, and Jodi Meadows on your speed dial.
ReplyDeleteUgh. You're lucky when it comes to that contact solution. Mine stayed red and painful for two days afterward. That stuff sucks.
ReplyDeleteYour posts always make me feel like I'm not alone in my crazy world! Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard when I read this, because it made me feel like I'm not the only fantastically spastic author in the world! Ha-HA, Universe! But I guess if we're going down, we might as well make it look awesome, right? ;-)
ReplyDeleteOhhhh oh oh. I feel so bad, and yet I'm laughing so hard right now!
ReplyDeleteOh man, I love your blogging. Laughed so hard, I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I you used a Doctor Who gif in your post. This makes you awesome. (BTW, you already were awesome, because Defiance was amazing, but this just makes it even better.)
ReplyDelete