Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Why Don't They Do THIS At The Olympics?

Despite the fact that I am fairly uncoordinated (oh, okay, "fairly" doesn't begin to cover it but hey - this is MY blog. I can say what I want.), I love sports. Maybe it's my fiercely competitive nature or maybe it's the chance to scream bloody murder at some poor schmuck in a black and white shirt but I do love sports.

Recently, I discovered a sport in which I truly excel.

Power shopping.

Before all you men reading this can complete that (very unattractive) eyeroll, I'd like to point out that there is NO WAY on God's green earth you could enter a shopping mall at one end, wearing adorable but slightly uncomfortable shoes, and exit the other end having purchased three nicely coordinated outfits (jewelry included!) that took eight stores, seven dressing rooms, and three escalator trips to accomplish.

In an hour and a half.

This is "sport" at its finest.

It takes teamwork - one person enters the dressing room while two others power-walk the store, snatching garments with potential and elbowing amatuers out of the way.

It involves strategy - there's one pair of gorgeous jeweled stilletos in size 8 and Ms. Big Hair across the aisle is going for them too. You choose one of two options: A) use the old trip and fall approach, effectively cutting her off from the shelf by flinging your body in front of her while one hand snatches the prize on your way down. This needs coordination, skill, and a small piece of luck. Or B) focus on the goal, act like Ms. Big Hair doesn't exist, and RAM her out of your way. Follow this up with sincere apologies (spoken in a soft, southern voice for best results) as you tuck the shoebox under your arm and leave.

It requires coaching - when one member of the team becomes discouraged at the realization that size 8 is no longer her friend, the others respond quickly with "There's no crying in shopping! Now you get in that dressing room and suck it up, soldier!"

It ask for quick-thinking and on-the-spot shifts in strategy. The point person must be able to walk four feet inside a store, scan the offerings with a critical eye toward fashion and clearance, and make a snap decision on the merits of shopping there. The other team members act as scanners, constantly evaluating the offerings in store windows and calling out potential stops to the point person. When a sudden shift in shopping is required, all team members must be able to displace large clumps of gawking, under-dressed teens using the time-honored bob, weave, and ram method to get to their objective.

With all this evidence, how can anyone say power shopping isn't an Olympic worthy sport? It's right up there in discpline and strategy as say - soccer or track. Besides, if curling can be considered a sport, how can anyone deny power shopping?


  1. We should totally order Jersey's from some print shop. :)

  2. Oooh, good idea. Vestibule Vixens. They have to be pink.

    Should we get a "Saucy Cinnabuns" Jersey for Paul?

    Also in pink, natch.


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