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Showing posts from February, 2009

Secret Agent Kitties: Case #1

Case File: Operation Chow Hound Mortification

Assigned Agents: Tinks (mastermind) and Carly (deceptively sweet)

Problem: Giant Black Chow Hound must be convinced of his lowly social status, apprised of his bottom-of-the-pecking-order title, and humbled beyond anyone's wildest expectations. The fact that Giant Black Chow Hound is already submissive toward us means nothing.

Solution: Both agents shall leave piles of excrement on either side of Giant Black Chow Hound's food bowl and one agent shall carefully balance atop Giant Black Chow Hound's water bowl and relieve herself at will.

Message delivered.

Major Squee!!

I'm so excited to announce that today I accepted representation from Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. :) Also, I'm no longer working on revising SF since Holly loves the first person version. I'll just be deepening some tension and adding to the ending and then it goes out on submission.

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!

Letterman, Eat Your Heart Out

My Top Ten List for this past weekend:

1. Random google-age (which means my Swiss cheese of a memory can't recall how I arrived here) found this photo of the now-defunct friendship pins which my friends and I used to make and then wear pinned to the shoe-laces of our tennies.

2. Took two teenage girls to the mall for a makeover and then to see Confessions of a Shopaholic which, even though it took liberties with the book, was charming and funny.

3. Discouraged kittens from leaping into the dishwasher as I tried to load in dirty plates.

4. Also discouraged kittens from leaping into the dryer as I loaded in wet clothing.

5. Failed on both accounts.

6. Explained reality to the co-worker who was absolutely certain Congress was divying up $800 billion between all taxpayers.

7. Had an agent I really like ask for my phone number after reading SF so we could talk. :) I'm not a huge exclamation point kind of girl but this statement is momentus so please insert as many exclamation points as yo…

Some People Are Just Brilliant

Yesterday, a lady came in to the restaurant and ordered a fried chicken tenderloin salad. The conversation went something like this:

Lady: I'll have a fried chicken tenderloin salad, please. I'm on a diet.

Waitress: *no longer surprised when people offer her personal details like the fact that they're dieting, details of their doctor's visits, or a description of the slew of medication they take each day to keep vital organs running at half speed* Okay. What dressing do you want?

Lady: What do you have?

Waitress: *also no longer surprised that everyone asks this question, even though the dressing options are listed right next to the salads* We have ranch, french, thousand, bleu cheese, honey mustard, italian, and peppercorn. Oh, and we also have fat free dressings, in case that helps with your diet.

Lady: I don't want any of those fat free dressings. They don't taste as good. I'll have ranch. Better make that extra ranch. I like a lot of dressing.

Waitress: So, …

Blogging: Epic Fail

Reasons Why I've Failed At Blogging This Week:

1. Goats

2. A small disturbance in a little-known Eastern European country requiring me to put down a potential uprising using nothing more than some zebra-striped stilettos and a titanium spork.

3. Children who carted home oodles of odious math homework that ate up my evening hours.

4. I was dead. I swear it.

5. Long hours at work surrounded by managerial types from other stores whose sole mission in life was to make mine miserable.

6. I couldn't make bail.

7. Pancakes. They called to me.

8. *sigh* Laundry.

9. I was pulled back into my former life as a covert operative for a little known branch of the U.S. military where my specialized skill set includes running in stilettos, thesaurus-like verbosity, and punching like a man.

10. Every spare creative brain cell (and there weren't many) was devoted to revising SF.

11. Temporary amnesia brought on by yet another unlikely head injury (this one involving a camel and a flight of unruly pige…

Bananas, Pickles, and Romance

1. The kittens now own the downstairs. Tinks has made several forays into the upstairs and Carly made up two steps before rethinking her strategy and returning to the safety of her favorite couch.

2. They bring us joy.

3. The Scientist and I were running errands the other day when he began to question me about potassium--the benefits and the most accessible sources.

4. This is not an uncommon line of thinking for the Scientist, who wants to know every detail about everything.

5. I explained that bananas are a great source of potassium and said that I thought it helped give a person energy and boost brain power.

6. He then said the following: "Well, bananas would be a good thing to have with you in case of an emergency, then."

7. Me: "What kind of emergency?"

8. Scientist: "You know. In case someone faints. If bananas give energy right away, that's a great way to bring around a person who's fainted."

9. Me: "Weeeelll, maybe. But how could you get a pe…

Our New Family Members

Today we adopted two 3 month old kittens from a local rescue organization. So far, we've established that Tinks is adventurous and Carly is a cuddler. And our 60 pound Chow dog, who desperately wants to be friends with both, is terrified of Tinks' hiss.

They've conquered the downstairs bathroom, with brief forays into the laundry room across the hall for litter box perusal. Tinks even raced into the dining room for a moment before scuttling back to the safety of the bathroom, where she promptly unrolled the toilet paper.

This is Carly, who was a bit camera shy:




Tinks is a beauty with attitude:

Skorts, V-Day, and Taps for the 9-4

1. Yes, I realize I'm giving out my home address.

2. However, given where I live, how many people will really want to come find me?

3. I overheard something the other day that made me laugh 'til I choked.

It's a skort. Skirt in the front, shorts in the back. It's like a mullet for your butt.

4. The 9-4, perpetrator of crimes like this and also this, has run afoul of the three strikes law and is now a felon.

5. The penalty in this instance is death.

6. Well, death or $1500 bail but since a) I'm pretty sure the 9-4 is already planning its next assault on my wallet and b) the silly thing isn't even worth $1500 when it's up and running, I chose death.

7. Which means today my hubby and I went car shopping and I now own a new van. It looks like this one, only silver.

8. I'm not sure how I'll get used to driving a van with so much less character.

9. Perhaps the working a/c, heat that comes out of every vent, cd player with a totally rocking sound system, captain&#…

Intelligence, You Say?

Last night, we met Paul and Kelly at my hubby's radio station so we could carpool together to the concert. While waiting for them at the station, I was flipping through one of those daily desk calendar things. (You know, the ones with quotes each day or pics of dogs or what have you.) This particular calendar was put out by John Tesh (Yes, the name sounds familiar to you. No, you probably don't know who he is. If you do, best not to admit it.) and was titled (along with his radio program) "Music and Intelligence For Your Life."

I was caught up in the Rush-Limbaugh-like hubris of claiming in the title of your show that you offer intelligence to others on a daily basis and the wheels of sarcasm were turning in my busy little brain, ready to unleash until ... I read the quote for yesterday.

This insightful little gem advised the following (and here I paraphrase, though I assure you I'm missing none of the pertinent particulars): When stressed or upset, eat carrots or …

Nonsense of the Twitter Variety

Twitter is an addictive little sucker. Don't let anyone tell you different. However, Twitter has two sides. Friends and those you admire updating you on their lives in 140 characters or less = win. Oddballs whose behavior just begs for the strongest anti-psychotic prescription money can buy = fail.

Fortunately, while anyone (and I do mean anyone) can follow you on Twitter, you can easily block those whose particular brand of crazy you don't feel comfortable subscribing to.

A list of those who've followed me recently:

1. A man who describes himself as an aggressive entrepreneur. A glance at his updates reveals this description to be code for "pyramid scheme pusher." Yeah. Block.

2. A man who professes to be in pursuit of all things holistically artistic. I'm not absolutely sure what that means, but I wish him luck finding anything holistic or overtly artistic about my life (One of my most recent updates discussed the incredible belching contest we held here.). I,…

Run, C.J., Run!

1. Despite the fact that I soooo do not have the time to be sick (picture my To Do list armed to the teeth and chasing me down with murderous intent), I have a bad cold.

2. I'm heading off to work my 13 hour shift anyway.

3. I sincerely hope this cold goes away over the weekend so I don't have to head to the doctor on Monday for the antibiotics and steroids it takes to keep it from turning, once more, into pneumonia.

4. I really don't have time for pneumonia.

5. Yesterday was the Scientist's eleventh birthday so we spent the evening as a family at Chuck E. Cheese.

6. Since I'm adept at blocking out deafening levels of noise (There are some advantages to living with three boys and a dog after all!), I can sit in a booth and read a book for two hours while the boys race around playing games and hoarding tickets for the eventual trip to the prize counter.

7. I hope Obama can find some people to appoint to his Cabinet who haven't committed tax fraud. Three (or is it fou…

My Personality Type

Because Kerry Allen challenged me to do so, I took this personality test. It should be noted that while this certainly describes me, there were several choices where both options described me fairly well. Here's the rest of the description:

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extre…

Hallo! ... blah, blah, blah ... Prepare to die!

1. Stephen King's ON WRITING is an excellent book.

2. Some days, writing feels like pulling submerged logs out of a swamp--each word sunk in a mire of sludge.

3. Today, despite the fact that I got up at 5 a.m. to write, is one of those days. *sigh*

4. Haven't hit my goal for the day yet, but I will.

5. I have an insane to do list since this is my one "free" day.

6. Best sentence I wrote today: The waters of the East River bubbled and seethed as a molten ribbon of viscous black bled toward its surface.

7. Worst sentence I wrote today: ... Ha! Already deleted.

8. Even though I didn't truly care who won the SuperBowl (I rooted for the Cardinals since they were the underdogs), it was an exciting game.

9. I find it amusing that Facebook has ads saying "Get Your Stimulus Check" as if the government is eagerly waiting to cut Joe Taxpayer a check for thousands of dollars.

10. The Scientist's birthday is Thursday so I need to go present shopping today.

11. Fortunately…