Top Ten Reasons Why I Make An Excellent Roommate

In about two hours, I'm leaving for a writer's retreat with my local RWA chapter. I have finagled my way into a room with three others by pointing out the following (completely true) reasons why I make an excellent roommate:

1. I am not a sparkly vampire. No worrying about becoming my midnight snack! No pesky glittery skin blinding your eyes when you pull back the drapes in the morning! No emo hairstyles!

2. I bring snacks. The good kind. Like Red Vines, cookies, and Chex Mix. And I SHARE.

3. I will always do something more embarrassing than you. Probably while you have your camera handy.

4. I know how to hide a body. This kind of specialized skill cannot be undervalued. You never realize how much you need it until some pretentious idiot steals your chocolate and implies you write like a hack.

5. I never steal chocolate. I don't really even like chocolate. I eat some now and then to seem polite, but honestly? It's all yours.

6. I am fabulous at self-defense. The fact that I'm more fabulous at accidental injury is neither here nor there. Besides, that only allows me plenty of opportunity to practice my awesomesauce self-defense skillz.

7. I can impersonate others. Not you, of course. Never you. But others. I'm like your very own party game, and you only have to toss me a lemon bar now and then to keep me happy.

8. I get ready fast in the morning. And I don't walk around naked. I don't really think I need to list the advantages of THAT.

9. I'm a writer. I have an over-developed imagination. If you suddenly start talking about flying pink unicorns and hot boys with swords whose tips have been dipped in the fountain of youth, I won't offer you Prozac. I'll play the What If game until a plot develops.

10. I won't feed you to zombies. I personally have nothing against zombies, but as a matter of respect for your roommate status, should a horde of brain-eating decaying shufflers descend upon us, I will throw the occupants of the other rooms to them as an appetizer while we make our getaway.

Bonus!

11. I earned my driving chops on the freeways of Los Angeles. Should the situation arise where we need to make a fast getaway, just call me Danica Patrick and get in the car.

Stilettos Vs Flip Flops

This summer, I decided to try something new. I bought flip flops. Now, I've owned flip flops before. One pair. To use only when I went to the neighborhood pool. But owning several pair of flip flops to use for things like being seen in public? Never.

But friends loved their flip flops. Everyone was wearing them. They were less effort than my heels, so I thought I'd give them a try.

Disastrous.

Mostly because the rubber piece in between my big toe and second toe literally wore a HOLE into my foot that was deep enough to force me to bandage it for days.

Awesome.

I can't ever remember a time my stilettos put me in danger of losing a toe.

So, after my summer Flip Flop Experiment, I've compiled a completely scientific and thoroughly unbiased list of my results.

TOP TEN REASONS STILETTOS ARE BETTER THAN FLIP FLOPS

1. Flip flops sound like a fly swatter slapping a brick wall as you walk. Sexy!! Stilettos make a tiny little pop against the floor--a measured cadence that says both "Sexy" and "You're dealing with someone who means business so better bring your A game."

2. Flip flops are nothing but a sheet of rubber with very little traction on the bottom. All you need to perform an impromptu slip 'n slide routine for the public at large is a clean grocery store floor.

3. Say what you will about stilettos being ankle-breakers, at least they don't have a loose flap of rubber at BOTH ENDS just waiting to catch on the stairs or fold over on itself while you're walking.

4. Super heroes never wear flip flops. And not just because of the safety issues. Try looking intimidating in a cape, lycra bodysuit, and a pair of pink flowery flip flops.

5. Flip flops do nothing for your calves.

6. Nothing says I'm a GIRL and I can kick your butt like a pair of awesome stilettos.

7. Someone pointed out to me that flip flops could double as protective gear by serving to protect you from toe fungus in a public shower. Allow me to point out that with one well-aimed kick, stilettos double as weapons. Also, allow me to point out that if you're given to bathing in public showers, flip flops are the least of your worries.

8. If Marilyn Monroe had done her famous little walk across the cobblestone streets in Niagra wearing flip flops, no one would still be pointing to that piece of film as an example of the quintessential blonde bombshell.

9. While stilettos look great with capris and a halter top, flip flops do nothing for a pencil skirt and silk blouse.

10. Even the names tell the truth. You can either wear footwear that sounds like a dangerous, sexy little weapon or you can wear something that sounds like a piece of stage direction from The Three Stooges.

Now, I'm off to toss my flip flops into the far corner of my closet where they can dream of eating away at my second toe while slapping against the pavement, searching for a tiny crack to catch in so they can face plant me in front of an audience.

Top 10 Reasons I Won't Read Your Next Book

1. You barely skimmed the surface of your main characters. I love to sink beneath the skin of your characters and live in their heads for the duration of the book. If your heroine has the emotional capacity of block of wood, don't expect me to care if she gets put in mortal peril in chapter twenty. At that point, chances are good I'm rooting for her to bite the big one and put us all out of our misery.

2. Every character in your book is stunningly beautiful and perfect. I have a confession to make. Stunningly beautiful/perfect characters bore me to death. If you have an entire cast of them, I'll wonder if some cruel trick of fate has landed me in the middle of an episode of America's Top Model. I was about to say the only thing worse than reading an episode of ATM would be doing a workout with Richard Simmons, but at least he makes me laugh.

And he's not afraid of sequins.

3. Events happen that go against what a character would authentically do/choose simply so you can have the plot twist where you want it to twist. This a) is lazy writing and b) assumes I'm too stupid to realize you've hijacked your characters for the sake of sticking with your outline.

4. Your main character is never in any real danger. I don't necessarily mean physical danger, though most of what I choose to read includes that component. Emotional danger works too. At some point, I need to worry the hero/heroine won't get what he/she needs. I need to be afraid he/she won't live, won't succeed, or will be broken beyond repair. If you can't deliver stakes like those, what's the point of reading the story?

5. You repeat things I already know. It's one thing to revisit an important fact/idea occasionally throughout the book. It's another thing to SHOW me a character laughing and then fill up the next two paragraphs TELLING me the character found something funny. Give me the action and trust me to understand its implications. If more explanation is needed, do it in a way that doesn't assume I'm too stupid to have figured it out on my own.

6. You rhapsodize endlessly about a certain feature on your hero or heroine. I love a sexy hero as much as the next girl. I don't love endlessly reading gooey descriptions of the hero's lips. Eyes. Jaw. Pecs. Whatever. Now, this one is certainly a matter of personal taste. I'm sure there are readers out there who enjoy having the hero's adorable cleft chin referenced on every other page. I'm not one of them. I'm much more interested in what's going on within the hero's heart and mind. And I like to think the heroine is the kind of woman who's intelligent enough to get past her initial OOOH! Cleft chin! reaction and start looking for signs of heroism beneath the external.

7. Your villain doesn't scare me. Voldemort scared me. The killer from PSYCHOPATH (Keith Ablow) scared me. A villain who has the opportunity to cause pain and uses it instead to endlessly explain his every little move (All the better to give the hero a chance to arrive, my dear!) does not. I think it's fantastic when a villain offers some sort of insight into the way his mind works. I just need it to be done in a way that increases how threatened I feel by him. If I'm not afraid of the villain, I don't care about the story.

8. If I can see a convenient way out of the danger/situation, if all the hero/heroine has to do is do x instead of y and x doesn't cost him/her anything, I'm done reading. I love to be on the edge of my seat, unable to see how the hero/heroine could either a) get out of the situation unscathed or b) pay the cost of the decision they'll have to make. You do that, and I'm hooked for life.

9. Your ending is heavy on the exposition, light on the action. This is an easy mistake to make. You've got loose ends to tie up. Questions to answer. A foundation for the next book to lay. I get that. But I've been reading feverishly for the last two hundred odd pages to get to this point and I don't want to sit back and read the equivalent of Driving Miss Daisy. I want action. Danger. Life-threatening/emotionally-scarring stuff. I want to be unable to put the book down because I'm so afraid the characters I know and love won't come through.

10. Your stakes suck. For a story to really pull me in, the stakes have to matter. Really matter. I have to care deeply about the characters and the outcome of their struggle. I have to want them to make it. I have to see that the cost of them not making it is painfully high. It doesn't actually matter if the stakes involve physical danger, saving the world, or finally making a romantic commitment to their soul mate--the stakes have to really matter to me. For the stakes to matter, you have to push the characters to their limit. You have to make me frantically turn page after page because I have this terrible fear that somehow the characters won't pull it off.

Any reasons you'd like to add to the list?

Top 10 Weirdest Items For Sale

1. One wad of (slightly used!) gum: Who wouldn't want this? It's colorful. It's unique. It looks amazing in its crystal bowl. And everyone knows germs don't live in saliva so it's totally safe!



2. An Electronic Yodelling Pickle: Because everyone knows yodelling and pickles go together like...like...like Snoop Dogg and opera!



3. Moose Poop Nugget Necklace: Because really, what girl doesn't want to accessorize with petrified animal poop?



4. Cheeseburger In A Can: When Spam just won't cut it.



5. Pistol Egg Fryer: For those who like the start their mornings with a bang.



6. Shocking Tanks: It's like laser tag with a kick! Tired of shooting at your opponent only to have him claim you never hit him? Now you can shoot your opponent and every hit scored with cause his hand-held remote to shock him! Hours of fun. Might be best if you avoid playing in the rain, however.

*My favorite part of this toy is the warning label on the package stating that the toy might not be suitable for children under the age of three due to choking hazard.*



7. Brain Gelatin Mold: For the Zombie in all of us! And yes, I'd love to own this...



8. Portable Rotary Phone: Tired of your small cell phone? Sick of using T-9 for texts? Want to carry a phone that makes a statement? Then you want the portable rotary phone! Haul this baby around with you and amaze your friends with your mad dialing skillz.



9. Insta-Poop: Be the life at every party with Insta-poop. It's wet. It's realistic. It's not at all a harbinger of death to your social life. Who doesn't love the idea of poop in a can?

*If I'd known poop was such a marketable commodity, I could've been rich from the moment my boys were born.*



10. Remote-controlled tarantulas: Because there's nothing creepy about spiders who obey your every whim.

Top Ten Most Ridiculous Action Figures EVER

1. The Crazy Cat Lady: Just what every child wants. A reminder of their crazy Aunt Bertha and her menagerie of hair-ball producing felines. And is it me, or is this a man wearing a wig?



2. King Henry VIII (Pose-able!): How any toy maker thought it was a good idea to make England's most violent, unprincipled king look like a cross between a quarterback and the Burger King icon is beyond me.



3. The Lunch Lady: I noticed she doesn't come with wart removal cream. I think that's a serious oversight on the part of the toy makers, don't you?



4. Vanilla Ice: Yeah...no. Even during the 2.3 minutes of his ridiculous popularity...no.



5. Eddie & Bella: They're so...big. Really, really big. Like monster Barbies but without the wardrobe options. And where's the sparkle?



6. Michael Jackson: Look, I know this guy still has fans. Rabid ones, apparently. But still, don't you think a fan would want a more true-to-life doll? This one is missing his surgical mask and his skin looks dark. Plus, he still has a nose.



7. Osama Bin Laden: Yes, this isn't truly an action figure. Still, bobble-heads count. Sort of. What are you supposed to do with this? Use it for target practice? Put it in your car's back window so other drivers can use it for target practice instead?



8. Snoop Dogg: Look, everyone! It's Harvey Two-Face! Oh...wait. It's just a wanna-be gangsta with poor fashion sense and a belief that any two words in the English dictionary can be combined if one simply knows how to apply the letter "z."



9. Marie Antoinette: With. A. Removable. Head. I don't think anything else need be said.



10. Obsessive-Compulsive Man: I'd love to talk more about this one, but I need to straighten my keyboard and go wash my hands. Again. Be right back.



And, today only, a special bonus entry!

11. Tom Cruise: That's one way to achieve a colonoscopy.

Top Ten Reasons Were-llamas Are The Coolest Shape-shifters Around

1. Unlike were-wolves and were-cats, were-llamas refuse to travel in packs--they much prefer to be rogue hunters.

2. They are often invited into petting zoos by their unwitting prey--the humans.

3. Their teeth can cleave muscle from bone.



4. They are adept at killing their prey using only the Beady Eye.

5. A bite from a were-llama doesn't turn you into a were-llama because they have too much pride to turn prey into predator. Instead, you become this:



And start schlepping people across the desert for a living.

6. Nobody expects a were-llama and we all know how important it is to maintain the element of surprise.

7. They have their own spokesperson.

8. When they say they spit in your general direction, they mean business:



9. They once took on Chuck Norris and won using nothing but spit and attitude.

10. They have their own theme song:



And that's your Friday Top Ten list. Were-llamas--coming into their own whether you like it or not.

Top Ten Reasons Hershey's Puts A "Consume In Moderation" Warning On Their Dark Chocolate

1. Death By Chocolate isn't just a fancy dessert.

2. Somebody, somewhere, sued when it was found that their copious consumption of dark chocolate was directly responsible for their fifty pound weight gain.

3. The high concentration of anti-oxidants in dark chocolate reverse the signs of aging--eat too much and you're Benjamin Button.

4. Joan Rivers eats three bars a day. (See #3 for her reason.)

5. Causes giddy euphoria directly linked to the mystifying popularity of Britney Spears, reality television starring C list has-beens, and pants with phrases embroidered across the buttocks.

6. It's a confirmed fact that substituting dark chocolate M&M's for regular M&M's during writer's sessions gave us such cinematic gems as Gigli and Glitter.

7. Reverse Psychology: Tell a woman she can't consume an entire chocolate bar in one sitting and see how long it takes her to defy you.

8. Research held in long-buried files located somewhere in Area 51 prove that excessive eating of dark chocolate transforms the consumer into a human-alien hybrid. (see #4)

9. NASA recently discovered a link between Superman's powers and an unusually high daily intake of dark chocolate.

10. Three words: Accelerate colon cleansing

And that's your Friday Top Ten list for the day, folks. Go forth and consume dark chocolate!