Friday, March 4, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why I Make An Excellent Roommate

In about two hours, I'm leaving for a writer's retreat with my local RWA chapter. I have finagled my way into a room with three others by pointing out the following (completely true) reasons why I make an excellent roommate:

1. I am not a sparkly vampire. No worrying about becoming my midnight snack! No pesky glittery skin blinding your eyes when you pull back the drapes in the morning! No emo hairstyles!

2. I bring snacks. The good kind. Like Red Vines, cookies, and Chex Mix. And I SHARE.

3. I will always do something more embarrassing than you. Probably while you have your camera handy.

4. I know how to hide a body. This kind of specialized skill cannot be undervalued. You never realize how much you need it until some pretentious idiot steals your chocolate and implies you write like a hack.

5. I never steal chocolate. I don't really even like chocolate. I eat some now and then to seem polite, but honestly? It's all yours.

6. I am fabulous at self-defense. The fact that I'm more fabulous at accidental injury is neither here nor there. Besides, that only allows me plenty of opportunity to practice my awesomesauce self-defense skillz.

7. I can impersonate others. Not you, of course. Never you. But others. I'm like your very own party game, and you only have to toss me a lemon bar now and then to keep me happy.

8. I get ready fast in the morning. And I don't walk around naked. I don't really think I need to list the advantages of THAT.

9. I'm a writer. I have an over-developed imagination. If you suddenly start talking about flying pink unicorns and hot boys with swords whose tips have been dipped in the fountain of youth, I won't offer you Prozac. I'll play the What If game until a plot develops.

10. I won't feed you to zombies. I personally have nothing against zombies, but as a matter of respect for your roommate status, should a horde of brain-eating decaying shufflers descend upon us, I will throw the occupants of the other rooms to them as an appetizer while we make our getaway.

Bonus!

11. I earned my driving chops on the freeways of Los Angeles. Should the situation arise where we need to make a fast getaway, just call me Danica Patrick and get in the car.

12 comments:

  1. LMAO! No emo hairstyles. No walking around naked. You're right. You're an excellent roomate!

    -k

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  2. I think I can outdo you in embarrassing actions. Shall we compete?

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  3. Hahaha... Sounds like we'd get along great if we were roommates. We could be accidental-injury prone and wildly imaginatious together. ;)

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  4. +JMJ+

    You are a dream! Do your roommates know how lucky they are to have you???

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  5. Having been a participant in your WHAT IF plotting game, that ALONE would score you a life time guarantee as my roommate!!! And you know how to hide a body? BONUS!

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  6. Sold! When do you move in?

    Although, the last time we shared a room, you drew a line down the middle and suddenly we were in a GLOW episode.

    Writer and Cat: *I* can't even keep up with her and I'm related!

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  7. And I'm lucky enough to room with you! I agree, you and a AWESOME roommate, and that's not just the chocolate-peanut butter Buggles talking.

    I'm also a fan of a roommate with a solid zombie escape plan. You just never know.

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  8. "and a" = "are a" for people who can actually spell and/or make their unruly fingers type what their brain is thinking.

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  9. Writer & Cat - It may be a tie between my headbanging and your barking. LOL

    Wantonactsofwriting - All of that was your fault. All of it. I don't remember why, but I DO REMEMBER WHO TO BLAME.

    Gretchen - I actually read it as "are a" the first timem because apparently people can't tell the two of us apart...

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  10. Maybe it's the "clucking" we apparently do? We need to have a talk with Kim...

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  11. Mindy - LOL. Sweet of you to say. And yes, I do know how to hide a body. But if anyone with a badge asks, I never admitted to that.

    Gretchen - I. DO. NOT. CLUCK. And the first thing I'm saying to Kim is "I love you, man!!"

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  12. You DO sound like the perfect roommate! Actually you sound kind of like the perfect friend. Can we be friends?

    Love it!

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People who comment are made of awesomesauce with a side of WIN!

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