In about two hours, I'm leaving for a writer's retreat with my local RWA chapter. I have finagled my way into a room with three others by pointing out the following (completely true) reasons why I make an excellent roommate:
1. I am not a sparkly vampire. No worrying about becoming my midnight snack! No pesky glittery skin blinding your eyes when you pull back the drapes in the morning! No emo hairstyles!
2. I bring snacks. The good kind. Like Red Vines, cookies, and Chex Mix. And I SHARE.
3. I will always do something more embarrassing than you. Probably while you have your camera handy.
4. I know how to hide a body. This kind of specialized skill cannot be undervalued. You never realize how much you need it until some pretentious idiot steals your chocolate and implies you write like a hack.
5. I never steal chocolate. I don't really even like chocolate. I eat some now and then to seem polite, but honestly? It's all yours.
6. I am fabulous at self-defense. The fact that I'm more fabulous at accidental injury is neither here nor there. Besides, that only allows me plenty of opportunity to practice my awesomesauce self-defense skillz.
7. I can impersonate others. Not you, of course. Never you. But others. I'm like your very own party game, and you only have to toss me a lemon bar now and then to keep me happy.
8. I get ready fast in the morning. And I don't walk around naked. I don't really think I need to list the advantages of THAT.
9. I'm a writer. I have an over-developed imagination. If you suddenly start talking about flying pink unicorns and hot boys with swords whose tips have been dipped in the fountain of youth, I won't offer you Prozac. I'll play the What If game until a plot develops.
10. I won't feed you to zombies. I personally have nothing against zombies, but as a matter of respect for your roommate status, should a horde of brain-eating decaying shufflers descend upon us, I will throw the occupants of the other rooms to them as an appetizer while we make our getaway.
Bonus!
11. I earned my driving chops on the freeways of Los Angeles. Should the situation arise where we need to make a fast getaway, just call me Danica Patrick and get in the car.
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Honestly, this is a post I never dreamed I'd write. My hands are shaky, and I'm frantically thinking through all the possible conseq...
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I've been sitting on this news for over a week, now. Remember last week when I said part of my May was WOW? This is the WOW, announced ... -
I first met Myra when she chased me down the hall at church and said "Hey! I heard you're a writer! I'm a writer too!" Th...
LMAO! No emo hairstyles. No walking around naked. You're right. You're an excellent roomate!
ReplyDelete-k
I think I can outdo you in embarrassing actions. Shall we compete?
ReplyDeleteHahaha... Sounds like we'd get along great if we were roommates. We could be accidental-injury prone and wildly imaginatious together. ;)
ReplyDelete+JMJ+
ReplyDeleteYou are a dream! Do your roommates know how lucky they are to have you???
Having been a participant in your WHAT IF plotting game, that ALONE would score you a life time guarantee as my roommate!!! And you know how to hide a body? BONUS!
ReplyDeleteSold! When do you move in?
ReplyDeleteAlthough, the last time we shared a room, you drew a line down the middle and suddenly we were in a GLOW episode.
Writer and Cat: *I* can't even keep up with her and I'm related!
And I'm lucky enough to room with you! I agree, you and a AWESOME roommate, and that's not just the chocolate-peanut butter Buggles talking.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a fan of a roommate with a solid zombie escape plan. You just never know.
"and a" = "are a" for people who can actually spell and/or make their unruly fingers type what their brain is thinking.
ReplyDeleteWriter & Cat - It may be a tie between my headbanging and your barking. LOL
ReplyDeleteWantonactsofwriting - All of that was your fault. All of it. I don't remember why, but I DO REMEMBER WHO TO BLAME.
Gretchen - I actually read it as "are a" the first timem because apparently people can't tell the two of us apart...
Maybe it's the "clucking" we apparently do? We need to have a talk with Kim...
ReplyDeleteMindy - LOL. Sweet of you to say. And yes, I do know how to hide a body. But if anyone with a badge asks, I never admitted to that.
ReplyDeleteGretchen - I. DO. NOT. CLUCK. And the first thing I'm saying to Kim is "I love you, man!!"
You DO sound like the perfect roommate! Actually you sound kind of like the perfect friend. Can we be friends?
ReplyDeleteLove it!