Pizazzed!

1. It's been FAR too long since I did one of my lists.

2. So much has happened between when I posted my "YAY I SOLD MY BOOK" post and now, so there's a pretty good chance I won't remember most of it.

3. Naturally, the stuff I don't want to remember is indelibly seared into my brain.

4. And, sadly, the brain of one very embarrassed TSA agent at the airport in Sacramento where I left my dignity and a good portion of any residual "Hm, perhaps THIS should be the last straw that sends me over the edge and into a loony bin" thoughts.

5. What was I doing in an airport in Sacramento that cost me my dignity and nearly made a hapless TSA agent walk into a wall?

6. I was traveling home from a mini-vacation to California. With my fifteen-month-old daughter. Just the two of us, a stuffed-to-the-limit diaper bag carry on, and a long security line that failed to keep her adequately interested.

7. Know what a toddler does when she's bored and has decided to abscond for more interesting locations?

8. She squirms. She fusses. She wiggles. And then, THEN, she makes an all-out bid for freedom that is probably now a viral video somewhere, only I'm not about to go trolling the internet looking for it.

9. I was there.

10. Once was enough.

11. I'd struggled to get her shoes off without taking a hand off of her (She's decided she likes to go up to complete strangers and ask to be picked up. Which, in a crowded Memorial Day weekend airport, is a frickin' nightmare for a mother.), and then struggled to get my own shoes off and place our carry on in the appropriate bins, all without losing my grip on her.

12. I'd then struggled to move those bins along to the conveyor while my daughter tried her best to ride the conveyor as well.

13. I figured once I only had myself and the baby to worry about, my troubles would be over.

14. That's a refreshingly naive statement, isn't it?

15. I released my bins onto the conveyor belt, turned to face the bulky TSA agent waiting for me on the other side of the metal detector and started walking.

16. Baby J, having had quite enough of wiggling in her mother's arms, chose that exact moment to whip an arm down the front of my shirt, bend over, and heave herself toward the floor.

17. I caught her before she succeeded in her kamikaze mission, but saving her meant sacrificing something else.

18. My dignity.

19. What little I possess.

20. She yanked my shirt down to my belt line.

21. MY BELT LINE.

22. The girls were on full display as I walked through the metal detector and came eye to eye with a ridiculously embarrassed TSA agent.

23. He immediately turned away from me, sort of stumbled into the side of the metal detector, and said something like "Do you want to sit down? You should sit down. Why don't you go sit down, and I'll help you get your bins?"

24. His face sort of resembled a radish.

25. It was the fastest security check I've ever had. Why check what you've already seen, right?

26. In other news, my last day at my current job is July 7th.

27. I'm thrilled to a) be able to spend a good chunk of the summer with my kids and b) be able to support myself with writing.

28. In other, other news, I have these pesky author questionnaires to fill out, and they ask questions like "what awards have you won" and "who do you know who might help promote the book"?

29. My agent has nixed the idea of recommending my mom as a strong promoter and claiming to have won an award as Queen of the Llamas.

30. *le sigh*

31. The other day, I checked my Klout score (a tool for measuring how much influence you wield within the social media landscape) and found it to be truly enlightening.

32. According to Klout, I'm a Specialist (Kind of like Stallone, only with better grammar and waaaaaay less physical prowess) in my area of influence and people look to me for the low down on the following topics: books, authors, creative writing, young adult books, and ... *drumroll* ... LLAMAS.

33. I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my pants. I may be the only person in the world who has a social media score that revolves around llamas.

34. Though it's sort of disappointing that llamas fell behind books, authors, and creative writing. When's the last time a book spat at you and while sporting an emo flop of hair over a pair of beady eyes?

35. Exactly.

36. Anyway, there's got to be some way to include my amazing Specialist of the Llamas status to my author questionnaire, right?

37. I can slip it into my bio with none the wiser!

38. Because really? My bio needs a little ... sparkle.

39. My youngest son ran by me the other day and shouted, "You've just been PIZAZZED! What now?"

40. And I realized that's exactly what my bio needs.

41. Pizazz!

42. What could add more Pizazz! than a llama?

Bring Your Crazy To ME

This picture has absolutely nothing to do wth this post.

1. What a terrible blogger I've been this week!

2. Feel free to sternly admonish me, or slip a little money toward Beth Revis for her next dastardly assault against my person.

3. I don't know how it can possibly be the middle of May already.

4. I suspect nargles had something to do with it.

5. My May has been full of BUSY and WOW and YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

6. The BUSY is kind of boring, actually. It involves working the day job, neglecting my email account, fighting a losing battle with the laundry, and desperately trying to keep food in my cupboards.

7. Three boys (1 teenage, 2 almost)? Eat like maybe this meal, THIS MEAL, this one they're eating five seconds after their last meal, will be all the food they ever see again.

8. I've taken to hiding food just to make it last.

9. I've advised them that perhaps they should educate themselves on any edible foliage available in Middle Tennessee, and then hie themselves to a local field and forage for their supper.

10. My BUSY also included teaching workshops and critiquing two holy-crap-awesome books for two of my CPs.

11. Sadly, my BUSY did not include a role in the upcoming Pirates movie. Or lunch with Johnny Depp. Or well-deserved recognition as the reigning Queen of __insert appropriate title here__.

12. My WOW moments I've either blogged or am planning to blog, so I won't take the fun out of reading a future blog post by detailing it now.

13. It does, however, involve a llama.

14. Of sorts.

15. Speaking of llamas, some of my employees were talking the other day, and as I approached, they pulled me into the conversation with the following totally irresistible question: What animal would you hate to be killed by?

16. Naturally, I quickly clarified my staunch Do Not Die By Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral policy.

17. They said, "Well, if you HAD to die by animal, which would be the worst?"

18. I said, "Llama."

19. They all responded with varying degrees of shock, laughter, and bemusement. Turns out, they all said stuff like bears, tigers, jaguars, or snakes.

20. I don't actually want to die by bears, tigers, jaguars, or snakes either.

21. But at least THEN, my obituary could sound like I was a swashbuckling adventurer! A daring explorer! Bear Grylls!

22. There's no dignity in death by llama.

23. There's SPIT, ergo loss of face.

24. And while llamas are fierce and mean and thoroughly bad-tempered when they want to be, nobody really expects to be killed by one, so therefore, not only is there a loss of dignity and face, there's also the potential to become an urban legend--the one woman stupid enough to get herself axed by an Alpaca.

25. No thanks.

26. On the YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME front, two things of note.

27. One, both our air conditioning units said Adios, Muchachos! this spring. Probably because of a llama.

28. One cannot face a Middle Tennessee summer without air conditioning.

29. The weather climbed into the high 80s and low 90s this past week, and we were MISERABLE.

30. Which meant the kids were miserable.

31. Which meant WE were miserable times a gazillion and forty-six.

32. Yesterday, we finally got both units replaced, the house cooled down, and everyone finally slept well for the first time in days.

33. The other YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME note is this:

34. You'll recall last week I blogged about the new employee who thought the world really would end in 2012 (because we live on an active volcano...ALL THE EARTH is an active volcano?).

35. Against all odds, I came in contact with someone else a few days ago who pretty much believes the same thing.

36. It's like I have a sign over my head that says "Bring your crazy to ME."

Tin Foil Hat!

1. A list on Thursday? *cue gasp*

2. Yes. Because somehow, Monday-Wednesday slipped into a swirling vortex of DOOM, never to be heard from again.

3. But during my stint in the vortex of DOOM, I had an encounter which must be blogged.

4. It went like this:

Me: Welcome to your first day of training! I've had lunch served for us. If you could please be seated, we'll eat, and then get started.

New Employee: *sits* *looks at food* This looks good. I ate something earlier because I had to take medication for my __insert incomprehensible medical term here__. They say never to take medication on an empty stomach. The last time I did that, I was puking my toenails up for a week.

Me: *pushes own food away* How charming.

NE: I mean, you can't mess with an empty stomach, you know?

Me: I'm aware.

NE: *takes a huge bite and leans forward* So, do you think the world is going to end in 2010 like they say it is?

Me: I beg your pardon?

NE: The world? Do you think it's going to end in 2012? Because everyone says it will, you know.

Me: Ah, no. I don't. I don't think anyone can predict something like that.

NE: So you discount all the proof from all the scientists who say it will?

Me: What scientists?

NE: ALL the scientists.

Me: *thinks snarky thoughts about scientists who wear tin foil as headgear, but keeps polite smile plastered to her face* I think we don't need to worry about something we couldn't possibly control. Isn't it better to live your life to the best of your ability TODAY?

NE: Oh, sure. Yes. But you know, we're living on an active volcano.

Me: *checks new employee for signs of tin foil headgear*  Are we?

NE: The whole earth is just one giant volcano. One day it will erupt and then where will we be?

Me: Wishing we had marshmallows and chocolate?

NE: *blinks* I don't know what good that will do you when you're about to be consumed by flaming lava.

Me: Never mind.

NE: And under the volcano is nothing but water, so if one doesn't get us, the other will. The whole earth is just going to crack open and let it all through. The scientists say so.

Me: Well, wouldn't the water counter-act the lava?

NE: *stares at me* That's not what all the scientists say. Besides, didn't you see that movie?

Me: Which one?

NE: The one where the world ends in 2012 because of natural disasters.

Me: You mean the movie 2012???

NE: It's already begun. Look at the tornadoes. The floods last year. Japan.

Me: I don't think 2012 is supposed to be taken literally.

NE: They were right on track with what the scientists say.

Me: It's not a documentary. You know that, right?

NE: It's all going to end in a few months.

Me: I wonder what it would take to speed up that process.

NE: Oh, that's easy. Too much use of microwave ovens. You know those things rip holes in the fabric of our universe.

Me: Shoot me. Now.

Search Term: FAIL

Every now and then, I check to see what search terms are leading hapless readers to my blog. This time, I found a few that are simply too strange not to share.

1. Don't start nothing you can't finish: I feel to truly understand this search phrase, I may need a lesson on how, exactly, one starts nothing and then proceeds to finish it.

2. Man the Jelly-hole, Captain!: I don't even want to know. Actually, I do want to know, but that's the sort of intrepid curiosity that once got my tongue stuck to a block of salt in a GOAT PEN, so .... no thank you. Lesson learned.

3. Are ostriches suicidal?: They can be. I think if you combine their suicidal tendencies with their clear anxiety and avoidance issues (Why else would they stick their heads in the sand to hide from predators?), it's pretty clear someone should be slipping some Prozac into their food supply.

4. Cupcake discrepancy: I don't know what kind of discrepancy this searcher had in his cupcake, but the cupcakes on THIS blog are always awesome.

5. Friggin' frack: I can't explain this. In the four years I've been running this blog, I don't think I've ever typed either "friggin'" or "frack." The fact that this search term landed the reader on a post about lemonade makes it even more mysterious. Perhaps Google was having a little joke at this reader's expense? Friggin' frack!

6. Are you a redneck if you wear underwear outside your clothes?: No, sir, you are not. You are simply an idiot.

7. C.J. Redwine hooch: Really? REALLY? Hooch? As in the esophagus-melting swill a few misguided souls brew in their bathtubs? Or as in hoochie-mama? Either way, I invite you to come say it to my face. I'll show you how to turn hooch into a verb. To hooch: The act of pulling someone's internal organs out their left nostril.

8. How to snort things: Things? My dear reader, as an accidental snorter-extraordinaire, allow me to tell you that narrowing the field of the "things" you are willing to snort is a step in the right direction. Although, since your question seems to reveal a lack of understanding of the basic concept of jerking large quantities of air through your nose in a manner designed to produce a sound reminiscent of an angry boar, I fear you need practice before you can move on to snorting "things." And may I recommend you steer clear of fresh cinnamon gum and chicken nuggets in your snorting exploits? Those two items alone have nearly been the death of me.

9. Should I poop?: *blinks* I can't really answer that without knowing further details of your dilemma and frankly, you've already told me TOO MUCH for my own personal comfort. I'm going to take a gamble, though, and go with YES. Yes, you probably should. Though, I don't really understand why the alternative was even a consideration.

And finally, my personal favorite:

10. The grossest website ever: I was about to strenuously argue against this unfair association with my blog, but then I realized in this post alone I reference poop, snorting chicken nuggets, jelly-holes, and wearing underwear outside one's clothes, so ... sure. Okay. Whatever, Google. But if I'm going to carry the title, by golly, you'd better be ready to give me a crown. *holds out hand and waits*

Wherein I Lose Half My Face

1. This list might be more random than usual, but there's a theme. WATER.

2. That's important.

3. Before I explain myself, let me tell you a few things you probably don't need to know, and one thing you DO need to know.

4. Important: Today is the last day to enter to win a signed copy of Saundra Mitchell's THE VESPERTINE. Don't miss out!

5. Now, for some not so important things. Etsy is mildly entertaining sort of interesting somewhat diverting CRACK!

6. It is crack. Not only do they have some awesome stores whose wares I frequently drool over, they also have a feature where you can curate your own treasury list of items based on a theme of your choosing.

7. Reader, I cannot resist this.

8. Last night, I made four lists. Because I adore them, and because I cannot possibly have wasted spent that much time on something without at least the excuse of sharing it with you, I give you the following:

• The Colors of Summer
• Life's A Beach (This is my favorite, I think)
• I Love A Rainy Day (This one is the most popular with Etsy folks so far)
• Pretty In Pink

9. You see why I started this post by telling you I'd be sharing some things you didn't need to know.

10. Now, for something of dire importance.

11. Water done WRONG.

12. Cue ridiculously WRONG visual aid that actually has nothing to do with the following story except for a vague connection to water.

Look at me! I am so WRONG, I might be right. Okay, no. I am just WRONG. But hey, you're still looking.

13. Two weeks ago, I went to the dentist to have a filling replaced.

14. When one goes to the dentist, one does not expect to be risking one's life.

15. OR, if one is risking one's life, one expects it to be because one coughed while the hygienist had that sharp, pointy thing inside one's mouth aimed most inconveniently at the back of one's throat.

16. One does not expect to risk one's life while rinsing.

17. I usually have the same hygienist every time I visit my dentist. She's a lovely woman with two beautiful daughters, an affinity for adoption, and the charming ability to clean my teeth without causing me cardiac arrest.

18. This time, a new hygienist was in charge of helping the dentist with the entire procedure. I'm sure she's a perfectly lovely woman too. When she isn't a) trying to kill me, b) trying to discuss Kathie Lee and Hoda with me while shoving her hands down my throat, and c) trying to KILL ME.

19. The problem started when the dentist realized my filling needed to be replaced because apparently I clench my teeth at night, and therefore I'd cracked the outside of my tooth. This necessitated more work than she'd anticipated, and so she had to make sure I was not just numb, but My Lip Might Be Wrapped Around The Bottom Of My Shoe And I Don't Care numb.

20. This took three shots.

21. By the time the third shot kicked it, I no longer knew how to properly work the muscles in my face.

22. Heck, I wasn't even sure I still had a face.

23. And I was pretty sure I might be drooling.

24. Enter the new hygienist, a perky woman with a Wisconsin accent who kept asking me questions and then saying "Ya, ya, ya" and laughing.

25. I had no real issue with that, until she started expecting an answer.

26. I tried to give her one when she pointed to the tv in the corner and asked something about whatever asinine thing Kathy Lee and Hoda were doing, but it sort of sounded like Mumfpshs. Shrumboobab. Oogg. And I don't think she truly understood me.



27. Also? When I opened my mouth? Drool. Like WHOA.

28. Still, none of that was life-threatening.

29. The dentist came in, confirmed that I was now missing half of my face, tilted me so far back in the chair that blood rushed to my head, and began to drill.

30. None of that was life-threatening either.

31. But when she finished her first round of drilling, looked at the hygienist, and said "Rinse," I wish I'd understood that "rinse" was code for "flush every orifice you can reach." Because if I'd understood that salient piece of information, I would've taken myself right out of that office, face or no face.

32. But I didn't. So I sat there, my head significantly lower than my body, my mouth still crammed with instruments of torture, and let the hygienist poke the water hose into my mouth and turn it on.

33. The water instantly flooded my sinuses.

34. And began to leak out my nose.

35. And I could not breathe.

36. But I was missing half of my face, so I couldn't say that I couldn't breathe.

37. I tried. It sounded like "Ibbba coggggg bwaaaannthmp."

38. The hygienist leaned forward and said, "What's that, dear?"

39. By this time, I'd begun to accompany my failed attempts at communication with full-on body twitches, and a wild attempt to sit up that had her exclaiming in alarm and gently shoving me back into position.

40. I tried again. "The waaaa woooonnnnn umph maaaa nossssh."

41. "That's nice, dear," she said. And I began to wish terrible, terrible things would happen to her. Things involving water hoses, and duct tape, and a constant loop of Richard Simmons, the early years, on her VCR.

42. The dentist was better skilled at interpreting words from people with half a face. She said "Did the water go up your nose?"

43. "Yumshhhh," I said.

44. "Oops," she said. "Sorry about that."

45. I accepted her apology as graciously as a girl with half a face, a mouthful of metal instruments, and a chin dripping a continuous string of drool could possibly do. But then, THEN, she finished drilling a second time and said "Rinse."

46. And, dear reader, the hygienist poked the hose into my mouth and once more filled my sinuses with water.

47. At this point, I realized I'd neglected to ask a very important question.

48. I jerked away from her, snort-snerked the water out of my sinuses as best I could (not the easiest task when I only had half a face to work with), and said the following: "Ooo yuuuu knoaaaoo Beffff Revvissshhh?"

49. Because it occurred to me that my hygienist was trying to kill me. And anyone who expects to carry on a conversation with a girl who's lost half her face while having a mouth full of every piece of equipment known to the dentisting world couldn't possibly have come up with such a dastardly plot on her own. Beth Revis, having failed in her first attempt, had to be behind it.

50. Both the dentist and the hygienist pretended not to know what I was talking about, (In fact, they acted somewhat confused as to who Beth Revis was and why I'd be asking about her.) but they didn't fool me.  This had Beth Revis written all over it.

51. Especially when the hygienist pretended to feel bad for nearly drowning me a second time, yanked the hose from my mouth, and managed to squirt me UP THE NOSE from the OUTSIDE and then score a direct hit IN MY EYE before remembering to turn off the water.

52. I would've given her a piece of my mind, but figured the lack of enunciation, coupled with the drool, might mitigate the impact.

53. Plus, I didn't want to give her any further cause to go after the few orifices she'd missed.

54. I left the dentist's office and went straight to Books A Million to finish revising TCD, a move which may, in retrospect, have been ill-advised.

55. You'll recall that this is the same coffee shop where just the week before, the day Beth Revis first tried to kill me, I'd contorted my face in all manner of unnatural positions while unknowingly looking like a homeless woman?

56. Now, I was walking into the coffee shop with half of my face dangling around my knees.

57. The barista greeted me, and I tried to nonchalantly greet her in return, but I'm pretty sure it was a fail. A) because it sounded something like "Doonnmt maaandd mee aaah wassshhh almoooossssht killllebd aat thbe dennntissssshbt", B) because she looked at me with pity and offered me a free raspberry chocolate smoothie sample, and C) because when I sat down, I realized I was still drooling.

Spawning! Smoke Screens! & Menopause!

1. Sadly, the shoe pictured above? Totally real. For sale. Touted as one of the haute styles of the season.

2. Consider me out of fashion, then, because I wouldn't wear those things unless you paid me good money to do so.

3. I might, however wear these:

4. Okay, no. I wouldn't. But I would totally admire anyone who did.

5. Enough about shoes! On to today's list.

6. The other night, Starshine and Princess J were playing in the living room.

7. Princess J thought they were playing chase. Starshine thought they were playing James Bond.

8. Princess J was closing in when Starshine shouted, "Behold, my smoke screen!", turned his back, and farted.

9. Princess J was undeterred by either his smoke screen or his bodily functions, but he did manage to make me leave the room.

10. A few nights after that, Clint and I were sitting in the living room talking when Starshine ran by us screaming "I'm spawning! I'm spawning!"

11. We looked at each other and said, "Dear God, I hope not."

12. I thought I had a decent transition from that story to this, but alas, it fell apart on me.

13. My hubby has a death wish.

14. No, he hasn't been making friends with Beth Revis. He learned his lesson by watching me.

15. Is he playing in traffic? Consorting with unsavory types at odd hours of the night? Eating the cafeteria's mystery meat?

16. Worse. Much worse.

17. The other day, I'd had 3 hours of sleep the night before and that always makes me feel sluggish and kind of sick. I happened to mention to Clint that I kept feeling overheated and ugh.

18. And my loving, intelligent hubby looked across at me and said these fateful words:

19. "Maybe it's menopause."

20. My voice sounded sort of like a bullmoose on crack as I bellowed "WHAT?!!?!"

21. He tried to make things better by saying "You know, because of your age. It's not a bad thing."

22. I am 37. I am NOT in menopause. How do I know? Because he's still breathing.

23. I think we all know I have a rather sensitive gag reflex. There was the time I gagged because the eye doctor rolled my eyelid up with a stick. And the well-known fact that if I smell the nastiness that is green beans, I gag on that as well.

24. I can't tell you how many times my co-workers have shoved green beans in my direction so they could have their first laugh of the day. (Green beans are one of my restaurant's specialties)

25. And while I can handle stories of blood, guts, and gore with aplomb, I do not deal well with stories that involve creepy crawlies going into one's mouth.

26. *pause for gagging*

27. So when a co-worker told me a story the other day about eating termites, I gagged.

28. And then, I asked the obvious: WHY?

29. I mean, I get it if you're Survivorman and that's your only option. But he lives in Nashville. Where there are grocery stores. With sources of protein that don't include bugs.

30. He told me it was because his father-in-law didn't think he'd do it, so he ate them to spite him.

31. I asked the next obvious question: Are you sure YOU eating TERMITES actually caused your father-in-law the sort of grief you hoped to accomplish?

32. Because it seems to me the person eating the bugs got the short end of the stick no matter which way you look at it.

33. Speaking of bugs, we all know I'm afraid of moths. (I know, I know... weird.)

34. Butterflies are moths. They ARE. They might be beautiful and colorful, but they have the same grotesque elongated bug body and fluttering wings.

35. So the other day when I was sitting in one of the manager's offices making a phone call, and she plucked a beautiful butterfly magnet from her stash of "Things To Torture C.J."  and put it right in front of my nose, I nearly screamed.

36. It wasn't a magnet that looked like an artist's interpretation of a butterfly.

37. It was a magnet that looked like a real butterfly somehow got a magnet stuck to its belly.

38. I shot across the room and waved my manager away from me. In silence, of course, because I was on the phone.

39. She frowned and said, "But it's a butterfly."

40. Like that would somehow make me like it more.

41. When she realized I truly did not find joy in the freaky little thing, she put it away.

42. *sigh*

43. I realize I'm very strange.

44. In fact, I freely admit it.

45. I am not, however, in menopause.

46. Tune in on Wednesday to learn about some exciting changes to the author interviews! And keep a weather eye on the blog this week because, believe it or not, I nearly died. Again. Because of my nose.

Beth Revis Tried to Kill Me

1. The above picture was originally going to be in honor of Beth Revis (explanation coming), but now it's for Blogger as well.

2. Thank you SO MUCH, Blogger, thou unholy fiend, for losing the post I'd typed up for today, thus forcing me to perform any number of difficult mental gymnastics in a losing effort to remember everything I'd typed.

3. It was a fabulous post.

4. Really.

5. But you'll never know that, will you? Because Blogger got hungry and my post looked like a tasty snack.

6. *wonders if Blogger is really a zombie*

7. I can't recall all the hilarious little anecdotes I shared (It's been a few days. Don't judge me.), but I can assure you it was a blog post that would rank right up there with such fabulous literary works as Chicken Soup for the Idiot's Soul or the classic Green Eggs & Ham.

8. They don't actually publish a Chicken Soup for the Idiot's Soul, but I think that's a mistake. Look how well the __Fill in the blank__ for Dummies is going! Those Chicken Soup folks are missing a (from my personal observations) rather large demographic.

9. Anyway, I can't remember the entertaining little anecdotes that littered my blogging masterpiece, but I can remember this: Beth Revis, author of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, tried to kill me.

10. She was sneaky about it too.

11. She disguised her attack as a friendly email full of lovely support and shining promises of opening the secret inner sanctum to a secret few writers know.

12. I was sucked in!

13. I read through the email, wondering what deep, juicy, life-changing secret she was about to share with me ...

14. She did an excellent job of stringing me along, building up the hype, making me WANT TO KNOW...

15. And then she shared the secret.

16. It involved Nutella. And some coffee. But that's not the important part of this story.

17. The important part is this: She took me by surprise, and I half-laughed, half-snerked.

18. It was the snerk that proved to be my undoing.

19. A proper snerk is all about shooting air through one's nostrils like mini oxygenated torpedoes.

20. I do a mean snerk.

21. Sadly, this particular snerk had two overwhelming problems.

22. One, I was in public.

23. Two, I was chewing a fresh piece of Trident cinnamon gum.

24. Cinnamon gum, as I'm sure you're aware, does not shoot through one's nostrils like a mini oxygenated torpedo.

25. It does, however, lodge firmly in the nasal cavities and threaten to cause imminent, immediate, and yes, even instant cinnamon-scented DEATH.

26. Anyone know the universal signal for "Help! Beth Revis caused me to snerk cinnamon gum up my nose and now I can't dislodge it without an act of God?"

27. Neither do I.

28. And you know what is true about fresh cinnamon gum?

29. It burns the tender tissues inside one's nose.

30. So, I had a lot of motivation to get it out.

31. I had nostrils to save. Air to breathe.

32. A best-selling author to kill.

33. I was sitting at my corner table in Books A Million writing. I began contorting my face into expressions designed to scare young children and drop old ladies where they stand.

34. I tried using air to force the gum to complete its journey through my nose.

35. This was a mistake.

36. Now, I was a woman contorting her face, wheezing pathetic amounts of air through her obstructed nostrils, catching the full attention of the barista (who apparently doesn't recognize a gum-arrested snerk when she sees one because she did NOTHING but stare like maybe I was the next Charlie Sheen), and realizing I might need professional help to get myself right again.

37. I could see it. Paramedics called to the scene. Everyone scrambling around for a pair of extra long tweezers. Someone filming it on their iPhone. Another commenting that whatever cinnamon air freshener the bookstore was using smelled quite nice. And everyone wondering why the dying woman on the coffee shop floor kept muttering "Beth Revis" with what little air she had left.

38. I finally scrunched up my face at just the right angle, gathered air like a ninja, and shot that cinnamon-scented projectile right down the back of my throat where, if my grandmother is to be believed, it will reside in my stomach for the next year.

39. Which is fine.

40. It might take me that long to craft the perfect revenge for Beth Revis. Don't worry, Beth. It's coming. And it will smell just as lovely as your initial shot across the bow did for me.

41. I drew my first real breath and that is apparently the universal signal for "Check on the crazy woman in the corner because she might actually die on you" because the barista came over and asked if I was okay.

42. No, I was not okay. I'd nearly had to have a pair of extra-long tweezers stuck up my nose while some stranger made a viral video of me and all because I read an email from Beth Revis.

43. I smelled cinnamon every time I breathed for the next two hours.

44. I recovered my equilibrium and focused on finishing my manuscript. I'm able to completely shut out everyone around me in the bookstore by using my headphones, my playlist, and a single-minded attention on what is going on in my character's heads. So, it was with a great deal of surprise that I looked up to see the barista in front of me an hour later offering me a sample of cheesecake.

45. But it was nice of her, so I accepted.

46. And then got right back to writing.

47. I was nearing the climax of the book. Stuff was happening. Some of it was beautiful, heart-wrenching, and I'd known it was coming for weeks now and was so moved to finally get there with my characters that as they cried, I joined in.

48. Not giant, WHAT IS THAT CRAZY WOMAN DOING NOW? sobs, of course. Just a few tears as I opened a vein and let it bleed across the page.

49. Next thing I know, I'm being offered more cheesecake.

50. I mean, I know it was pretty deserted in the book store at that point (I'd been there for hours and it was getting close to closing time), but really?

51. I finished the scene, wiped my eyes, got up to stretch my legs, used the restroom, bought a coffee, and stared in complete confusion as the barista offered me yet another sample of cheesecake.

52. "I'm fine," I said.

53. "But dear, cheesecake makes everything better," she said.

54. And because she seemed to really need to give it to me, I accepted.

55. Moments later, I packed up, went home, walked in and caught sight of myself in the mirror. (Keep in mind that YES I'd used the restroom at the book store and YES they have a mirror, but I was so focused on being inside my characters' heads, I hadn't bothered to process what I was seeing.).

56. I need to back up this story to the point in the evening where I rushed out of work determined to get to the bookstore as fast as possible so I could finish my book on time.

57. If you're in a hurry, do you grab your change of clothes and go back inside your place of business so you can be stopped by every employee who now wonders what you're doing back in the building so soon just so you can use the restroom to change out of your uniform?

58. Okay, maybe you would. But I wouldn't. I have tinted windows in the back of my Explorer and was deliberately parked in the back, far away from other vehicles.

59. I changed clothes in the cramped backseat of the Explorer.

60. Fast.

61. Because the story was burning inside me and needed out.

62. Now, hours later, I'm staring at myself in the mirror and realizing all those offers for cheesecake? Were because I look like a homeless person.

63. My hair was a little wild, no doubt from the cinnamon-scented choking fit I had courtesy of Beth Revis. My eyes were tear-stained. Any semblance of make-up gave up and fled for easier subjects long ago.

64. But the worst? Oh, the worst was the fact that my sweater was buttoned all wrong.

65. Wrong.

66. Wrong as in the bottom button was in the top button hole.

67. And every subsequent button in between was pigeon-holed wherever I apparently felt there was an appropriate place to stick it.

68. I'm thankful I had a shirt on underneath it or I might have had that choking fit in the back of a police car.

69. I was a wildly disheveled mess who looked like she couldn't even dress herself.

70. No wonder the barista waited until it was obvious I was going to live before approaching me.

71. I wouldn't have wanted to give me mouth to mouth either.

72. I suppose I should blame my own foolishness for the sweater.

73. And my connection to my characters for the tears and lack of make-up.

74. But I'm not.

75. I'm blaming the entire thing on Beth Revis.

Accidental Idiocy Abounds

1. Because apparently nothing says sexy like a pair of spray painted goat hooves on your feet.

2. I worry about people sometimes. I really do.

3. I worry about myself more, though.

4. Because I have a habit of accidental idiocy.

5. Like when I couldn't figure out how to make gmail chat work this week (Don't. Ask.) and had to ask for instruction.

6. Bonus points to Mandy for not delivering said instruction with the scorn it deserved.

7. Or the time (also this week) when I couldn't understand how to work the new Google image thingy to get to the actual site, and Myra had to explain to me that I needed to close the pic first.

8. I'd give her bonus points for lack of scorn, but it was in her eyes.

9. And in her laugh.

10. So NO POINTS FOR YOU, MYRA.

11. But really the best example of accidental idiocy from this previous week is the following tweet I posted on Thursday night:

Have a quiet house and a Sonic peach teat. Going to dive into my WIP and write!

12. I'm sure you see the problem.

13. To my knowledge, Sonic has yet to offer its consumers flavored teats.

14. An oversight I'm sure they'll rectify once I provide them indisputable proof of its appeal.

15. I didn't realize my error until I checked my email some thirty minutes later and found COPIOUS emails from Twitter listing new followers of my account.

16. Most were those with some sort of teat fetish.

17. A few may have been misguided peach farmers.

18. It's possible there was a cow in the mix somewhere.

19. I'd like to smoothly transition into my next topic, but sadly, it has nothing to do with teats, or peach farmers, or cows and everything to do with BOYS.

20. Myra called me the other day while I was at Books A Million writing. The conversation went like this:

Myra: Hey. Um, I was just driving by your neighborhood on __insert busy street name here__ and I think I saw your children balancing on top of the subdivision sign right next to the busy street. I'm pretty sure they were your boys.

Me: Please tell me they were clothed?

Myra: Yeeeesss, I think so.

Me: Were they peeing on the cars as they drove past?

Myra: Definitely not.

Me: Well, that's something, at least.

Myra: Yeesss, but I thought maybe it was concerning because they are playing next to a really busy street?

Me: Oh. That. Yes. Of course. I'll call them right away.

And I did. And now they think I have spies everywhere. Which can only work to my advantage.

21. And because apparently I cannot think of a transition to save my life, I'm going to abruptly begin discussing progress on the book I'm turning in this coming weekend.

22. I've typed an insane amount of words over the last month.

23. Many of them were keepers.

24. Some of them were not.

25. I need to write 15k more (approximately) to finish the book. I'm really excited about this one. It's my first foray into the YA genre (Which is my go-to genre to read so I don't know why it took me so long to write it.).

26. There's really no way I can tie that in to ugly goat shoes, peach teats, or boys peeing on cars either because a) I'm mostly brain dead at the moment or b) ... nope, let's go with A.

27. Tune in Wednesday for an interview with debut YA author Kelly Keaton and her incredible novel DARKNESS BECOMES HER. Just the sneak peek of it will have you begging for more. I promise.

Whip It!

1. I am jealous of the cat pictured above.

2. I'd love to nap. Anywhere. Face first is definitely an option.

3. Most of my nights in the last week were a grand sum of 4 hours of sleep.

4. I feel like maybe I'm turning into a zombie. Though I doubt I'll be screaming BRAAAAIIINNNNZZZZ any time soon. That hardly seems a solution to my problem.

5. I might, however, scream MAAAAIIIIIDDDD, followed up by TIIIIIMMMMMEEEEE.

6. However, being busy also means I have things to blog about, so WIN for you, yes?

7. First, a writing update: I've reached the 1/2 point on my current project and am really loving it. I have three weeks to write the second half and am determined to do so.

8. Second, an embarrassing episodes update: None.

9. By my standards, anyway.

10. I went on a writer's retreat this past weekend with 24 other women and managed to not once snort liquid through my nose, walk into a bathroom door, or have the mother of all wardrobe malfunctions.

11. I did manage to lock myself IN my bedroom and had to spend five minutes jiggling the door handle and calling it all sorts of nasty names until I finally figured out the genius of a contractor who designed the place put the handle in upside down.

12. But I was alone when that happened, so there's no proof.

13. I wasn't alone when I tried karaoke for the first time.

14. Because I don't generally shy away from performing in front of others (be that public speaking, singing, or splitting the seam of my jeans while ice skating), I was the first to grab the mic.

15. Nobody else wanted it yet anyway because they hadn't had enough to drink.

16. I decided my opening number should be Bohemian Rhapsody.

17. And as you know, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it all the way.

18. Dear Reader, I killed it.

19. High note, headbanging (Oh, yes, I did), and all.

20. Freddy Mercury, eat your heart out.

21. The highlight of the evening, however, came after I'd already excused myself to go back into my room to write. My bedroom shared a wall with the living area. Twenty three women (many in various stages of DRINK) were on the other side of that wall. Singing. Regardless of who held the mic.

22. I had my iPod cranked to block them out, but in the second between one song ending and another beginning, I heard something that made me yank out my ear buds and check to be sure I had it right.

23. I did.

24. Twenty-three women all singing at the top of their lungs "Whip It! Whip It Good!"

25. I will never be the same.

26. And now, I'm off to see if anyone wants to trade me my kingdom for a nap.

I've Tased It One Too Many Times

1. I must confess that nothing in the following post will have anything to do with the picture I used.

2. I just couldn't resist the awesomeness.

3. I'll start today's list with a comment on the strange philosophy boys have toward personal hygiene and clothing.

4. My teenager is exempt from the following commentary because he's recently been awakened to the fact that GIRLS like cleanliness and clothing that hasn't been worn for a month.

5. My other two boys could care less.

6. I force them to shower, I insist they use soap, and I check their teeth daily because if I don't, I fear the CDC will show up at my home and quarantine us all.

7. I also watch their clothing for signs they've worn it too many days in a row. They act like it's the end of the world when I hand them a fresh pair of jeans and insist the pair they're wearing deserves a decent burial in our back yard, but they change their pants.

8. I've recently realized, however, that I need x-ray vision to assess the full scope of the problem.

9. Because it turns out they change their pants far more often than they change their underpants.

10. How is this possible, you ask, if I make them shower on a regular basis?

11. Yesterday, I made Starshine take a shower. He took off his clothes, bathed, used soap, got out of the shower, and then proceeded to PUT ON THE SAME PAIR OF UNDERWEAR HE JUST TOOK OFF.

12. When I informed him he needed a fresh pair of underwear, he looked mystified and said, "But these are clean. I just put them on three days ago."

13. ..........

14. Which explains why I have to approach my laundry pile armed with mace and a taser.

15. However, what confuses me the most is the fact that if left to their own devices, my children wouldn't wear clothing at all.

16. The other morning, Starshine came downstairs for breakfast sans clothing. When I insisted he get some clothes on before he could have his oatmeal, he put on his father's coat and sat at the dining room table.

17. I asked him if he was naked beneath the coat. He said no. He had skin on.

18. I caved and served him his oatmeal.

19. And last night, Daredevil got out of his mom-enforced shower and sauntered out of the bathroom (the one attached to my bedroom) buck naked. No towel. No old underwear. Nothing.

20. He saw me sitting on the bed and exclaimed, "Don't look!"

21. To which I replied, "Wouldn't it just be easier to put some clothes on?"

22. And he said, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, "Why? You can just shut your eyes."

23. Some days I begin to feel like maybe I'm the one who's crazy around here.

24. I realize most of this post has been talk of nekkid children and underwear that qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction.

25. But, yanno, that sort of sums up my life.

26. On the writing side of things, I realized after I finished the first third of TCD that it might possibly be a story that needs to be told from dual first person POVs. A chapter or two from the heroine and a chapter or two from the hero etc.

27. This means I spent most of last week going back over the first third to change chapters into the hero's POV.

28. I'm frustrated at the lack of forward progress, though I'm still in good shape to make my deadline, and now I'm so close to the story, I can't tell if the dual POV is working or if I've tased one too many piles of laundry and can no longer be trusted to make good story-telling decisions.

29. I have some trusted CPs (critique partners) on it and expect a verdict soon.

30. This weekend, I'm attending my local RWA chapter's retreat. Apparently, I'll be doing karaoke. No, I don't think there will be video. If there is, I have minions who can take care of that.

31. Check back in on Wednesday when the Were-llama of Awesomesauce takes on urban fantasy author Jill Myles. It's funny. Trust me.

32. And now I'm off to do another load of laundry.

33. Do try to contain your shock.

Swamp Floggers For The Win!

But only if you bring back lemon bars.

1. My brain is exhausted right now.

2. I have good reasons.

3. For one, Princess J was sick Saturday night and together I think the two of us had maybe four hours of sleep.

4. And instead of napping on Sunday, I went to the bookstore and wrote 5k.

5. Because I'm turning this book in on March 27th, and I have 2/3 left to write.

6. I'm one of those people who works very well with a deadline. It lights a fire under me--like someone tossing a gauntlet down and daring me not to finish.  I HAVE to prove I can do it.

7. And I have to tell you, I love what I'm writing. It has a depth and authenticity to it that I've never achieved before. I hope to get to share it with you soon!

8. Anyway, I told you all of that to explain why my brain is exhausted because it's very ... See? I can't even think of the word I want! Hang on ... Oh, yes. It's very probable I'll write a few items on this list that a) make no sense or b) ramble and then make no sense.

9. Be a doll, and don't point it out.

10. Or, yanno, point it out and see what happens when you challenge an exhausted woman who enjoys wielding a titanium spork.

11. Discovery Channel has a new show coming out. I caught the end of the ad for it and it said "Swamp Floggers" as the title.

12. Which really caught my attention because WOW! There are people who flog swamps? I mean, not that a swamp doesn't deserve a good flogging every once in a while, what with all those mosquitoes and alligators and stinky mud, but people do this? Do they get paid? Is this a hobby? Is there some sort of special flogging uniform and does it involve leather?

13. I was primed and ready to program my DVR for this BRILLIANT show, when I took a closer look at the screen and realized it said "Swamp Loggers."

14. Which really doesn't generate the same degree of excitement at all.

15. Maybe Discovery should run a few of their ideas by me. I bet I could brainstorm some worthy improvements.

16. I learned a lesson this week.

17. Turns out, not all people respond well to a stranger saying something to them in a public restroom.

18. Who knew?

19. I took the Scientist to the movies this past weekend and had cause to visit the restroom. When I approached the sink to wash my hands, I realized the entire counter surrounding it was covered with water, but it was too late to alter my choice.

20. There was a woman (who looked perfectly nice but that just goes to show you that outward appearances LIE) already at the sink beside me.

21. So, I decided to suck it up, keep myself from leaning into the puddle of water, and wash my hands.

22. I turned on the faucet and got SPRAYED. Thoroughly.

23. So did the counter.

24. Which explains the puddle.

25. I said as much out loud. Something along the lines of "Holy cow! Well, I guess that explains all this water, right?" And looked at the woman beside me.

26. She backed away and said "It's really weird to talk to strangers in a bathroom."

27. I kind of wanted to ask her if the weirdness was generated by the act of talking to a stranger, or if it was simply a problem of location. Instead, I very maturely said "Well, you just talked to me."

28. She left.

29. And she looked like she'd just been sucking on a lemon.

30. It's fine. I'm not everybody's cup of tea.

31. Speaking of tea ... no, I really can't make that transition work because I didn't drink tea while watching I Am Number 4. I drank Diet Dr. Pepper.

32. Hence the bathroom visit.

33. Anyway, I was curious to see how this movie would hold up amid all the hype. Short answer: it's a decent popcorn flick if you don't need everything to make sense and you really love awesome action scenes.

34. The romance was fine, though I wasn't yearning for them to be together. However, I didn't want to take a spork to them either, so that's something.

35. And honestly the action sequences were pretty cool. And there were some acting gems along the way.

36. What brought the movie down were the villains. They were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings because ... because ... well, because they were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings! With gills around the nose! And awful looking teeth!

37. And they liked to talk quite a bit when any idiot could see their stupid soliloquy was just giving the good guy enough time to figure out how to blast the bad guy into dust. Less talking, gill boy! More shooting!

38. To illustrate: At one point, the main bad guy has a human friend to #4 trapped and says the following to him: "Do you watch tv? Yes? Well then, I bet right about now, you're thinking to yourself you could be the hero and save the day. You know what I have to say about that? Don't do it, okay?"

39. Okay! Because you have scary gills around your nose and have never been to a dentist, I will obey you!

40. Seriously. A little motivation? Explanation of why they're killing them in order? And why they're bothering with it at all since they destroyed everyone else on the planet Lorian? Why not sit back and enjoy the fruits of their labors?

41. So, I didn't buy into the threat, which made it hard to take anything seriously. That aside, though, I was moderately entertained by the good guys action sequences (Thankfully, they all had nice teeth and no problems with delivering death instead of soliloquies.) and my son loved it.

42. But, you know what would've improved the movie a thousand percent?

43. Swamp Floggers. With really excellent teeth. And zero soliloquies.

Step Away From The Belt Buckle

1. I come in contact with a lot of people at my day job.

2. Many people are genuinely nice and often interesting.

3. A select few are idiots.

4. Like the ones who somehow feel that personal hygiene is a good idea for the rest of the world but doesn't actually apply to them.

5. I love those conversations where I have to gently explain to someone that bathing WITH SOAP would be in their best interest.

6. I had to do that twice last week.

7. There's no way that conversation isn't going to turn awkward at some point. Especially when the other half of the conversation looks at me as I tactfully suggest that perhaps waking up early enough to get some shower time would be best and asks "Why?"

8. It's hard to come up with creative, tactful ways to say "Because you smell like you live in a dumpster."

9. Speaking of awkward, this past week a man sitting in our restaurant decided he had on too much clothing.

10. First, he took off his shoes.

11. Which is pretty weird, but not really cause for concern. If you like to eat lunch in your socks, who am I to judge you?

12. Then he took off his sweatshirt, which was fine because he had a t-shirt underneath.

13. Sadly, the t-shirt was the next to go.

14. When he reached for his belt buckle, one of the managers made a table visit, ostensibly to make sure the food was fine. I don't know what was said, but the pants stayed on, and I'm grateful.

15. I have to wonder what kind of person (he was eating with four family members, all of whom didn't look the least bit fazed to see him shed his clothing in public) feels it's appropriate to strip down during the lunch hour of a family restaurant?

16. I watch a lot of little kids' shows early in the morning with Princess J now.

17. The other day, I saw Yo Gabba Gabba for the first and I swear ONLY time. If I have to watch it again, I will mostly likely stick plastic forks in my eyes just to alleviate the pain.

18. I am completely convinced Pink Floyd helped write that show.

19. Last night was our annual Valentine's Day dinner. Our group of friends gets together at my house and the men cook and serve us a beautiful three course meal (with three different options for each course). They also clean up my kitchen afterwards. It was lovely, and my hubby deserves a shout out today on the blog since he worked so hard, stayed up super late (which is hard for a radio morning show guy to do!), and was the genius behind both the menu and the gorgeous plate presentation.

20. This week on the blog, Captain Jack Sparrow interviews the lovely Maria Snyder (whose book INSIDE OUT made my best reads of 2010 list) and she's giving away a signed, personalized copy of the sequel, OUTSIDE IN. Amazing books!

21. Also? I've decided to share the story of my Ninja Boobs.

22. You know you want to read it.

Getting Jiggy With It

1. I know, I know... list day is usually Monday. But last week got away from me, so the list is a Tuesday thing this week.

2. If you missed yesterday's post, I listed my favorite books from 2010, why I loved them, and introduced a contest where you could win your choice of one of those books. You have until Thursday night to enter.

3. I don't sew.

4. I don't even mend things. Not. At. All.

5. This has just as much to do with my complete lack of aptitude as it does with the fact that really I'm not the best girl to be wandering around with a needle in my hands.

6. It's all fun and games until someone gets a needle in the eye, after all.

7. My mother, on the other hand, is a master seamstress. She used to make our dresses--the fancy ones with ribbons, lace, and little silk roses on them--and has yet to meet a pattern she couldn't beat into submission.

8. My sister is also very handy with a sewing machine and can crochet blankets and other fabulous things.

9. I'm the girl who had to sew a pair of shorts for Home Ec (back when that was still a subject) and accidentally sewed the legs completely shut.

10. I say all of this because now when I tell you I used a glue stick to hem my work pants, you won't be surprised in the slightest.

11. The glue washes out every time the pants go through the laundry, but there's more glue where that came from!

12. Problem solved.

13. I've been informed by Daredevil that I'm not allowed to say "Getting Jiggy With It." Ever.

14. I beg to differ.

15. I gave birth to three children in four years. There are parts of my body that must be restrained with duct tape and some steel pipes to avoid putting out someone's eye in a brisk breeze.

16. I am the very definition of getting jiggy with it.

17. He also told me I don't get to say "Wiggedy, Wiggedy Whack."

18. Who wants to say that??

19. It doesn't even make sense.

20. I hypothesized it meant someone wigged out and whacked someone.

21. Daredevil looked like maybe he'd swallowed a lemon and begged me to stay far, far away from his friends.

22. We had our annual Super Bowl party here this past Sunday (where we eat stuff we'd never normally eat, talk as loud as we want throughout the game, and become dead silent for the commercials) and that means I watched the half-time show.

23. Where I got the privilege of seeing people in neon spandex jumpsuits dance around with boxes on their heads while the Black Eyed Peas proved once again they can't sound anything close to good without a studio well-equipped with Auto Tune.

24. I've never heard Sweet Child of Mine sound like someone was beating a tomcat against a wall, but I guess if you live long enough, you experience just about anything the world has to offer.

25. Perhaps that was wiggedy, wiggedy whack?

26. My hubby took HOURS of video footage while we were in China (including filming the Communist soldiers as they stood beneath a HUGE sign that said NO PICTURES) and is now in the process of editing it down to a coherent film.

27. He showed me the first twenty minutes of edited film the other night.

28. As one might expect, I was on the film several times. And every time, I was saying something sassy.

29. Do try to contain your shock.

30. I told him he'd edited it wrong.

31. He asked what I meant.

32. I said he'd only included the parts where I was being sassy.

33. He laughed and told me if he edited out the parts where I was being sassy, I wouldn't even be in the film because, and here I quote, "You are nothing but sass."

34. The fact that he said it with love and pride in his voice (and the fact that he makes ridiculously awesome cupcakes) saved him from incurring my wrath.

35. The fact that he thinks it's cool that I can get jiggy with it didn't hurt either.

Chewy & Strangely Tasteless

1. My daughter takes after me.

2. As proof, I offer the following true story.

3. We were at a friend's house hanging out with several other couples, and I was holding Princess J on my lap while I fed her a bottle.

4. Remember last week when I revealed the (potentially career-ending) fact that I had inadvertently snorted half-chewed sandwich up my nose when hit with an Insta-cough?

5. Princess J had an Insta-cough moment as she was drinking the bottle and ... wait for it ... all the proof you'll ever need that she is MINE ...

6. Shot two streams of formula right out of her nose.

7. I love that kid.

8. Starshine had an interesting moment of his own this week when Clint took the boys with him to an Asian grocery store in Nashville.

9. Among other things, Clint purchased a type of Chinese candy that is wrapped inside rice paper, boxed, and then sealed with plastic wrap. As they were driving home, Clint told the kids they could open their candy, and then informed them the treat was extra cool because the wrapper was edible too.

10. A minute later, Starshine asked from the backseat, "Dad, are you SURE this wrapper is edible? Because I'm having a really hard time chewing it."

11. Clint looked back to see Starshine dutifully chewing on the outside plastic wrapper that came around the box.

12. He takes after me too.

13. Sometimes.

14. This Wednesday, instead of a cupcake interview, I'm posting a list of my ten favorite books from 2010, along with a fun contest where you could win one of those books.

15. The month of February will have cupcake interviews with some incredible authors: Jonathan Maberry, Maria Snyder, and J.T. Ellison. I'm really looking forward to it!

16. My new goal for the month of February is to avoid shooting food (chewed or otherwise) through my nose.

17. A small goal, yes, but one I sincerely hope I achieve.

18. At least in public.

19. Other goals include reaching the 1/2 mark on my current writing project, building my library of to-be-read books on my new Nook, and decimating my laundry pile to the point where I can legitimately yell "What now, funky pile of clothing? What now?!?" without sounding like a crazy woman.

20. If you just thought "The crazy ship sailed on this blog a loooong time ago," better keep it to yourself or your chances for winning one of the awesome books I loved from 2010 will drop. Drastically.

21. I'm trying to remember if I shared one of my unique claim-to-fame stories on this blog. One involving Disneyland, a cheap bra, and ninja skillz that would make Bruce Lee WISH he was this awesome.

22. Sound familiar?

23. If not, I'll have to post that this week. It's one of those stories that should probably embarrass me, but really? If you're a regular blog reader, you realize that if I was prone to embarrassment, I'd have died from it by now.

24. Don't believe me?

25. Check my blog archive for the time I walked in to a tree. Or into a hotel bathroom door. Or did a stop-drop-roll routine down the side of my yard in full view of my neighbors. Or accidentally got drunk off of CAKE and then tried (unsuccessfully) to carry off a professional job interview. Or kicked my eye doctor in the shin while gagging aloud. And since I could continue this list of potentially embarrassing items indefinitely, I'm going to cut it off here.

26. Check back Wednesday for my list of 2010 faves and be prepared to recommend a few of your own! (You might just win a prize!)

At Least It Wasn't The Bird of Paradise

1. Sooo, I sort of sucked as a blogger this week.

2. I did, however, rock as a writer.

3. Next week I'm going to be both awesome writer AND awesome blogger.

4. Watch for it.

5. On Monday, The Spork of Doom interviews an editor from Pocket and she reveals her unusual nickname, why she'd be an incredible minion, and a fabulous new paranormal book coming out this month. She's even giving away a copy of the book to one of my readers!

6. Plus, for the first time ever, my hubby writes a (somewhat aggressive) note to accompany his cupcake creation.

7. On Wednesday, Captain Jack interviews best-selling paranormal author Lillith Saintcrow (and a reader can win one of her books too!). It remains to be seen if my hubby will write a (possibly homicidal) note with her cupcake as well.

8. Also, I'm going to do a post on my ten favorite books from 2010. Everyone who comments with one of their own favorite reads from last year will be entered into a drawing for one of my favorite books.

9. If I know the author personally, I might be able to get the book autographed first.

10. Or, I might need bail and a lengthy explanation for how my actions should be construed as misplaced enthusiasm rather than creepy stalker-girl.

11. In other news, I have 3 spots left in the Query Workshop that starts Monday. Head to my workshop site if interested.

12. In other, other news, my super-secret YA project is going so well, I'm slightly giddy. I have a word count bar at the top of my sidebar so I can keep myself accountable to my weekly writing goals. I have no idea why that should matter to you, but now I'm in a competition with myself to make sure I don't publicly humilitate myself by not adding to it each week.

13. It's convoluted logic, but it works for me.

14. And now, to save this post from going down into the anals of blog history as The Most Boring Blog Post Ever, I share the following:

15. Two weeks ago, I had the flu. While I'm no longer sick, I still have a bit of a cough.

16. When I say I have a bit of a cough, what I mean is, I'll be totally fine until suddenly, WHAM! I have to cough.

17. Insta-cough.

18. A few days ago, I was eating lunch.

19. I had a mouthful of sandwhich when WHAM! Insta-cough.

20. In the millisecond before the cough hit, when I realized it was coming, my brain cataloging my options and prioritized.

21. Badly.

22. Instead of considering the overall health and wellness of my nasal cavities, my brain screamed "Don't spray food! It's rude!"

23. So, I clamped my lips shut and coughed.

24. And sent a mouthful of mostly-chewed sandwich up my nose.

25. Yes.

26. So, tune in next week for a fun week on the blog. And until then, may your nose remain completely sandwich-free.

Tortilla, Thou Art My Nemesis

1. Yes, I know it isn't a cat. But seriously? This pic made me laugh so hard, I had to have it for my blog.

2. Also? I don't really want to meet a wombat in person. It looks like a cross between a beaver and Dracula. No. Thanks.

3. I got super organized this past weekend (le gasp) and revamped my workshop website. I also listed the dates for every upcoming workshop for the entire 2011 year. Take a look, register if you need some help writing a query or synopsis, or if you want help understanding pacing and plot structure. And of course, feel free to send other writers my way!

4. Along with revamping my workshop site, I lined up some Really Fun Stuff for the blog this month.

5. For example, this Wednesday, Maggie Stiefvater, author of SHIVER and LINGER, will take on the infamous Jack Sparrow in the first cupcake interview of 2011. She's offering a signed copy of LINGER as a prize to one lucky commenter!

6. I've yet to break the news to my hubby that once again I require his cake-art skillz.

7. I guess he'll figure it out when I start baking cupcakes tomorrow.

8. Of course, those of you who read about his Dastardly Deed will know I don't feel the slightest bit guilty.

9. My birthday was this past Saturday.

10. He wisely did NOT shop for my gift in our closet. Or our garage. Or anywhere in the immediate vicinity of our house.

11. He falls asleep first, you know, and I have very few scruples when it comes to revenge.

12. I went out with a friend for brunch on my birthday and ended up ordering one of my favorites -- a southwest chicken salad.

13. Halfway through the meal, I took a bite, tried to wrestle an uncooperative crispy tortilla strip into my mouth, and ended up accidentally shoving it up my nose instead.

14. Yes.

15. At this rate, none of my friends are going to want to be seen in public with me anymore.

16. Unless it just makes them look good by comparison.

17. Anyway, enough about my new nemesis the tortilla strip. I was discussing the Really Fun Stuff planned for the blog.

18. In addition to Maggie Stiefvater, I have Abbie Zidle, an editor at Pocket Books, and author Lilith Saintcrow (Yes, the one I've been known to fanatically somewhat enthusiastically rave about) lined up for cupcake interviews too.

19. And I have some year end Top Ten lists that you may or may not find fun/interesting. If you like them, yay. If not, just imagine me with a tortilla strip up my nose and consider yourself entertained.

20. And now, I'd love to talk some more, but I must go rescue a teddy bear from the rather enthusiastic amorous advances of our dog.

Resolutions I Can (Probably) Keep

I learned some valuable lessons in 2010. Since I'd hate for those lessons to go to waste, I thought I'd use them to guide my list of New Year's Resolutions.

1. I will pay strict attention to what I'm actually holding in my hand BEFORE applying the contents to my toothbrush. I don't care how late it is.

2. I will never trust that my side of the bed is booby-trap free before sliding under the covers in the dark.

3. For that matter, I will never trust that any area in my house is booby-trap free, no matter what time of day or night it is.

4. I will NOT reach blindly into my purse searching for my car keys. Not that fate would be cruel enough to dispose of another moth corpse inside my handbag, but you never know.

5. I will remember if I've just touched cinnamon oil BEFORE rubbing my eyes.

6. I hope.

7. If I hear a strange hissing sound from behind the refrigerator, I will NOT pull the appliance away from the wall without first grabbing a handful of towels and donning a plastic garbage sack or two.

8. Also? If I do hear the strange hissing sound and my refrigerator decides to spew water in all directions again, I will NOT race toward the problem area.

9. Unless I'm wearing padding and a helmet.

10. I will assume every co-worker is out to kill me and modify my behavior accordingly. This means no blindly walking out of my office as if someone hasn't laid a trail of empty boxes perfectly aligned to cause me to face plant into the nearest one. And no turning my head to answer a question while walking. Stupid walls.

11. I will also assume every piece of technology at work is also in on the murder plot. Including that wheeled spawn of Satan the office chair. And I will begin carrying a hammer and a flame torch (miniature size so as not to alert them to my new found spirit of resistance) everywhere I go.

12. I will carry extra diapers whenever I leave the house with Princess J. Extra. As in MANY extra.

13. I will stop investigating the strange noises, objects, and most especially, SMELLS my boys bring into the house.

14. On a related note, I will look into hazmet suits and a tranq gun.

15. And most importantly, I will remember the DASTARDLY DEED* done to me this past Christmas morning and will choose the optimum moment for vengeance most sweet.


*Details of the DASTARDLY DEED coming tomorrow. Ready the pitchforks and call the village mob.

*Insert Clever Title Here*

1. Ooh, look! I'm blogging again!

2. Yeah. I know. You're thrilled.

3. Although, can you really call this a legitimate blog post when all I'm going to do is tell you about upcoming blog posts?

4. Still reading?

5. Then I guess this qualifies as a legitimate blog post.

6. You should know I had tremendous difficulty spelling "qualifies." And "legitimate." And also "difficulty," which is pretty ironic.

7. I attribute this to the fact that it's 12:20 a.m. Sunday morning, and I spent the day digging my way out of the Laundry Uprising, so I'm too tired to really see the screen.

8. Oh, the lengths I'm willing to go to bring almost-useless posts to my readers!

9. Hm.

10. I get punchy when I'm tired. It's remotely possible I've already sailed well past punchy and into delirious.

11. I might re-read this in the morning and delete the whole thing.

12. Anyway, posts are coming!

13. There's one about my new writing project (though I'm being super secretive about it, so you'll just get some visuals and a taste of my playlist for now).

14. One about the DASTARDLY DEED my hubby did to me on Christmas morning which shall, I assure you, be most thoroughly avenged.

15. And since I'm reading all kinds of end of the year top ten lists, I might compile one of my own. Topic ideas? Anyone? Bueller?

16. And I'm going to run a fun contest where you tell me your favorite book from 2010 and why I should read it and then I'll draw a winner from the commenters to receive a copy of MY favorite book.

17. I wonder if I can coherce convince the author to sign my copy first?

18. Since I don't have a personal relationship with this author, that may take a small miracle.

19. *makes a note to brush up on author-stalking skillz*

20. Finally, there will be handy guide on how to tell if your cat is planning to kill you.

21. You know me. The very soul of useful information.

22. And now, since BOTH of my cats are exhibiting signs 1,4, and 5 simultaneously, I'd better go shore up my defenses.

23. Feel free to tell me what list of 10 things you'd like to hear from me.

24. If I pick your topic, I'll most likely send you something.

25. Probably something fun.

26. Probably not a cat.

27. But you never know.

Randomy Randomness

Today, I thought I'd give you a peek at a totally random collection of stuff I'm working on (or planning to work on). Why? Because I promised I'd do better at blogging. Take what you can get. :)

1. The above pic represents a new story idea that won't leave me alone. Not sure I'm going to leave my current WIP to write it yet, but I'm fleshing it out to see where it goes.

2. Speaking of my current WIP, I haven't touched it since before I left for China, but am diving back in this weekend. I'm writing it in first person present tense, a new technique for me. It's a fun challenge, and I love the results so far.

3. Here's a new favorite song of mine. One that made it onto three playlists for WIPs or story ideas I'm building:




4. I'm tackling the job of revamping my web presence over the next month. I'll start by moving my workshop site to Wordpress where I can have a page for each workshop offered. I think it will provide better user interface for my clients. I'm talking to a web designer about doing the same thing with this blog. If I can export this blog into Wordpress and create the rest of my web site around it, I think that will work best for me. This stuff always makes me a bit nervous since I generally suck at anything requiring the slightest technological prowess, but it's time to expand and organize my presence a bit better.

5. I've started accepting more invitations to do workshops at conferences (both online and in person), so I've decided I should order some professional business cards. Turns out, people come up and ask you for them and they look at you strangely when you pull out a pad of stiletto-shaped sticky notes and scrawl your email across the front. Those aren't the sort of things I think about, generally, but I'm going to be better prepared this year.

6. I'm going to work on getting the cupcake interviews going again. I have a few people already ready to jump into the ring with the Were-llama or Captain Jack. I just need to find time to hunt down other victims guests and then I need to convince my hubby he loves me enough to take an hour a week to turn a simple cupcake into a work of art.

7. I've just realized that in all my Christmas planning, I totally neglected to send my agent a gift. I guess that means I'll be trolling Etsy or Ebay this weekend to find something for her. She'll read this, give me her patented Kitten of Doom glare, and tell me she doesn't need anything from me. But she'll just have to suck it up. I can give doomy glares too.