Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tin Foil Hat!
1. A list on Thursday? *cue gasp*
2. Yes. Because somehow, Monday-Wednesday slipped into a swirling vortex of DOOM, never to be heard from again.
3. But during my stint in the vortex of DOOM, I had an encounter which must be blogged.
4. It went like this:
Me: Welcome to your first day of training! I've had lunch served for us. If you could please be seated, we'll eat, and then get started.
New Employee: *sits* *looks at food* This looks good. I ate something earlier because I had to take medication for my __insert incomprehensible medical term here__. They say never to take medication on an empty stomach. The last time I did that, I was puking my toenails up for a week.
Me: *pushes own food away* How charming.
NE: I mean, you can't mess with an empty stomach, you know?
Me: I'm aware.
NE: *takes a huge bite and leans forward* So, do you think the world is going to end in 2010 like they say it is?
Me: I beg your pardon?
NE: The world? Do you think it's going to end in 2012? Because everyone says it will, you know.
Me: Ah, no. I don't. I don't think anyone can predict something like that.
NE: So you discount all the proof from all the scientists who say it will?
Me: What scientists?
NE: ALL the scientists.
Me: *thinks snarky thoughts about scientists who wear tin foil as headgear, but keeps polite smile plastered to her face* I think we don't need to worry about something we couldn't possibly control. Isn't it better to live your life to the best of your ability TODAY?
NE: Oh, sure. Yes. But you know, we're living on an active volcano.
Me: *checks new employee for signs of tin foil headgear* Are we?
NE: The whole earth is just one giant volcano. One day it will erupt and then where will we be?
Me: Wishing we had marshmallows and chocolate?
NE: *blinks* I don't know what good that will do you when you're about to be consumed by flaming lava.
Me: Never mind.
NE: And under the volcano is nothing but water, so if one doesn't get us, the other will. The whole earth is just going to crack open and let it all through. The scientists say so.
Me: Well, wouldn't the water counter-act the lava?
NE: *stares at me* That's not what all the scientists say. Besides, didn't you see that movie?
Me: Which one?
NE: The one where the world ends in 2012 because of natural disasters.
Me: You mean the movie 2012???
NE: It's already begun. Look at the tornadoes. The floods last year. Japan.
Me: I don't think 2012 is supposed to be taken literally.
NE: They were right on track with what the scientists say.
Me: It's not a documentary. You know that, right?
NE: It's all going to end in a few months.
Me: I wonder what it would take to speed up that process.
NE: Oh, that's easy. Too much use of microwave ovens. You know those things rip holes in the fabric of our universe.
Me: Shoot me. Now.