Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Search Term: FAIL

Every now and then, I check to see what search terms are leading hapless readers to my blog. This time, I found a few that are simply too strange not to share.

1. Don't start nothing you can't finish: I feel to truly understand this search phrase, I may need a lesson on how, exactly, one starts nothing and then proceeds to finish it.

2. Man the Jelly-hole, Captain!: I don't even want to know. Actually, I do want to know, but that's the sort of intrepid curiosity that once got my tongue stuck to a block of salt in a GOAT PEN, so .... no thank you. Lesson learned.

3. Are ostriches suicidal?: They can be. I think if you combine their suicidal tendencies with their clear anxiety and avoidance issues (Why else would they stick their heads in the sand to hide from predators?), it's pretty clear someone should be slipping some Prozac into their food supply.

4. Cupcake discrepancy: I don't know what kind of discrepancy this searcher had in his cupcake, but the cupcakes on THIS blog are always awesome.

5. Friggin' frack: I can't explain this. In the four years I've been running this blog, I don't think I've ever typed either "friggin'" or "frack." The fact that this search term landed the reader on a post about lemonade makes it even more mysterious. Perhaps Google was having a little joke at this reader's expense? Friggin' frack!

6. Are you a redneck if you wear underwear outside your clothes?: No, sir, you are not. You are simply an idiot.

7. C.J. Redwine hooch: Really? REALLY? Hooch? As in the esophagus-melting swill a few misguided souls brew in their bathtubs? Or as in hoochie-mama? Either way, I invite you to come say it to my face. I'll show you how to turn hooch into a verb. To hooch: The act of pulling someone's internal organs out their left nostril.

8. How to snort things: Things? My dear reader, as an accidental snorter-extraordinaire, allow me to tell you that narrowing the field of the "things" you are willing to snort is a step in the right direction. Although, since your question seems to reveal a lack of understanding of the basic concept of jerking large quantities of air through your nose in a manner designed to produce a sound reminiscent of an angry boar, I fear you need practice before you can move on to snorting "things." And may I recommend you steer clear of fresh cinnamon gum and chicken nuggets in your snorting exploits? Those two items alone have nearly been the death of me.

9. Should I poop?: *blinks* I can't really answer that without knowing further details of your dilemma and frankly, you've already told me TOO MUCH for my own personal comfort. I'm going to take a gamble, though, and go with YES. Yes, you probably should. Though, I don't really understand why the alternative was even a consideration.

And finally, my personal favorite:

10. The grossest website ever: I was about to strenuously argue against this unfair association with my blog, but then I realized in this post alone I reference poop, snorting chicken nuggets, jelly-holes, and wearing underwear outside one's clothes, so ... sure. Okay. Whatever, Google. But if I'm going to carry the title, by golly, you'd better be ready to give me a crown. *holds out hand and waits*


  1. I think you're wise: if the question is "should I poop?" The default answer is, of course, yes.

  2. How to snort things?
    Simple. Read CJ's blog while drinking. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean up some kool-aid.

    (Yes, I drink kool-aid. What? I am totally a grown-up.)

  3. You LICKED a salt lick in a goat pen? You do realize this means you've ingested goat DNA.

    Ah, so that's your Master Plan. You warn all of the impending Zombie Goat Apocalypse, thereby taking the suspicion off of yourself as the true Master Goat.

    Which explains why Beth Revis is trying to kill you. Subconsciously, she knows and is attempting to stop you.

    The only question remains: who's side am I on...

  4. Haha! For some reason, I've been Googled by a lot of Russians lately. Like 52 in one day. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'll take it. :D And it's weird, because they all went to the same post about a book sale I went to...snap, I take that back. It's up to 62. That village must be bored.

  5. I laughed so much I woke my boyfriend. And I'm in a hotel room in South Carolina. Not that that's related.

  6. Warning: "Don't drink anything while reading C.J.Redwine's posts. Not if you're not prepared for a keyboard burial." LOL

    Do you think google will catch that?

  7. AWESOME! And why did I never think to blog about the crazy crap that gets people to my blog? (expect to be complimented soon in the form of copycat. with thanks, of course.)


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