Swamp Floggers For The Win!

But only if you bring back lemon bars.

1. My brain is exhausted right now.

2. I have good reasons.

3. For one, Princess J was sick Saturday night and together I think the two of us had maybe four hours of sleep.

4. And instead of napping on Sunday, I went to the bookstore and wrote 5k.

5. Because I'm turning this book in on March 27th, and I have 2/3 left to write.

6. I'm one of those people who works very well with a deadline. It lights a fire under me--like someone tossing a gauntlet down and daring me not to finish.  I HAVE to prove I can do it.

7. And I have to tell you, I love what I'm writing. It has a depth and authenticity to it that I've never achieved before. I hope to get to share it with you soon!

8. Anyway, I told you all of that to explain why my brain is exhausted because it's very ... See? I can't even think of the word I want! Hang on ... Oh, yes. It's very probable I'll write a few items on this list that a) make no sense or b) ramble and then make no sense.

9. Be a doll, and don't point it out.

10. Or, yanno, point it out and see what happens when you challenge an exhausted woman who enjoys wielding a titanium spork.

11. Discovery Channel has a new show coming out. I caught the end of the ad for it and it said "Swamp Floggers" as the title.

12. Which really caught my attention because WOW! There are people who flog swamps? I mean, not that a swamp doesn't deserve a good flogging every once in a while, what with all those mosquitoes and alligators and stinky mud, but people do this? Do they get paid? Is this a hobby? Is there some sort of special flogging uniform and does it involve leather?

13. I was primed and ready to program my DVR for this BRILLIANT show, when I took a closer look at the screen and realized it said "Swamp Loggers."

14. Which really doesn't generate the same degree of excitement at all.

15. Maybe Discovery should run a few of their ideas by me. I bet I could brainstorm some worthy improvements.

16. I learned a lesson this week.

17. Turns out, not all people respond well to a stranger saying something to them in a public restroom.

18. Who knew?

19. I took the Scientist to the movies this past weekend and had cause to visit the restroom. When I approached the sink to wash my hands, I realized the entire counter surrounding it was covered with water, but it was too late to alter my choice.

20. There was a woman (who looked perfectly nice but that just goes to show you that outward appearances LIE) already at the sink beside me.

21. So, I decided to suck it up, keep myself from leaning into the puddle of water, and wash my hands.

22. I turned on the faucet and got SPRAYED. Thoroughly.

23. So did the counter.

24. Which explains the puddle.

25. I said as much out loud. Something along the lines of "Holy cow! Well, I guess that explains all this water, right?" And looked at the woman beside me.

26. She backed away and said "It's really weird to talk to strangers in a bathroom."

27. I kind of wanted to ask her if the weirdness was generated by the act of talking to a stranger, or if it was simply a problem of location. Instead, I very maturely said "Well, you just talked to me."

28. She left.

29. And she looked like she'd just been sucking on a lemon.

30. It's fine. I'm not everybody's cup of tea.

31. Speaking of tea ... no, I really can't make that transition work because I didn't drink tea while watching I Am Number 4. I drank Diet Dr. Pepper.

32. Hence the bathroom visit.

33. Anyway, I was curious to see how this movie would hold up amid all the hype. Short answer: it's a decent popcorn flick if you don't need everything to make sense and you really love awesome action scenes.

34. The romance was fine, though I wasn't yearning for them to be together. However, I didn't want to take a spork to them either, so that's something.

35. And honestly the action sequences were pretty cool. And there were some acting gems along the way.

36. What brought the movie down were the villains. They were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings because ... because ... well, because they were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings! With gills around the nose! And awful looking teeth!

37. And they liked to talk quite a bit when any idiot could see their stupid soliloquy was just giving the good guy enough time to figure out how to blast the bad guy into dust. Less talking, gill boy! More shooting!

38. To illustrate: At one point, the main bad guy has a human friend to #4 trapped and says the following to him: "Do you watch tv? Yes? Well then, I bet right about now, you're thinking to yourself you could be the hero and save the day. You know what I have to say about that? Don't do it, okay?"

39. Okay! Because you have scary gills around your nose and have never been to a dentist, I will obey you!

40. Seriously. A little motivation? Explanation of why they're killing them in order? And why they're bothering with it at all since they destroyed everyone else on the planet Lorian? Why not sit back and enjoy the fruits of their labors?

41. So, I didn't buy into the threat, which made it hard to take anything seriously. That aside, though, I was moderately entertained by the good guys action sequences (Thankfully, they all had nice teeth and no problems with delivering death instead of soliloquies.) and my son loved it.

42. But, you know what would've improved the movie a thousand percent?

43. Swamp Floggers. With really excellent teeth. And zero soliloquies.