Monday, April 11, 2011

Spawning! Smoke Screens! & Menopause!

1. Sadly, the shoe pictured above? Totally real. For sale. Touted as one of the haute styles of the season.

2. Consider me out of fashion, then, because I wouldn't wear those things unless you paid me good money to do so.

3. I might, however wear these:


4. Okay, no. I wouldn't. But I would totally admire anyone who did.

5. Enough about shoes! On to today's list.

6. The other night, Starshine and Princess J were playing in the living room.

7. Princess J thought they were playing chase. Starshine thought they were playing James Bond.

8. Princess J was closing in when Starshine shouted, "Behold, my smoke screen!", turned his back, and farted.

9. Princess J was undeterred by either his smoke screen or his bodily functions, but he did manage to make me leave the room.

10. A few nights after that, Clint and I were sitting in the living room talking when Starshine ran by us screaming "I'm spawning! I'm spawning!"

11. We looked at each other and said, "Dear God, I hope not."

12. I thought I had a decent transition from that story to this, but alas, it fell apart on me.

13. My hubby has a death wish.

14. No, he hasn't been making friends with Beth Revis. He learned his lesson by watching me.

15. Is he playing in traffic? Consorting with unsavory types at odd hours of the night? Eating the cafeteria's mystery meat?

16. Worse. Much worse.

17. The other day, I'd had 3 hours of sleep the night before and that always makes me feel sluggish and kind of sick. I happened to mention to Clint that I kept feeling overheated and ugh.

18. And my loving, intelligent hubby looked across at me and said these fateful words:

19. "Maybe it's menopause."

20. My voice sounded sort of like a bullmoose on crack as I bellowed "WHAT?!!?!"

21. He tried to make things better by saying "You know, because of your age. It's not a bad thing."

22. I am 37. I am NOT in menopause. How do I know? Because he's still breathing.

23. I think we all know I have a rather sensitive gag reflex. There was the time I gagged because the eye doctor rolled my eyelid up with a stick. And the well-known fact that if I smell the nastiness that is green beans, I gag on that as well.

24. I can't tell you how many times my co-workers have shoved green beans in my direction so they could have their first laugh of the day. (Green beans are one of my restaurant's specialties)

25. And while I can handle stories of blood, guts, and gore with aplomb, I do not deal well with stories that involve creepy crawlies going into one's mouth.

26. *pause for gagging*

27. So when a co-worker told me a story the other day about eating termites, I gagged.

28. And then, I asked the obvious: WHY?

29. I mean, I get it if you're Survivorman and that's your only option. But he lives in Nashville. Where there are grocery stores. With sources of protein that don't include bugs.

30. He told me it was because his father-in-law didn't think he'd do it, so he ate them to spite him.

31. I asked the next obvious question: Are you sure YOU eating TERMITES actually caused your father-in-law the sort of grief you hoped to accomplish?

32. Because it seems to me the person eating the bugs got the short end of the stick no matter which way you look at it.

33. Speaking of bugs, we all know I'm afraid of moths. (I know, I know... weird.)

34. Butterflies are moths. They ARE. They might be beautiful and colorful, but they have the same grotesque elongated bug body and fluttering wings.

35. So the other day when I was sitting in one of the manager's offices making a phone call, and she plucked a beautiful butterfly magnet from her stash of "Things To Torture C.J."  and put it right in front of my nose, I nearly screamed.

36. It wasn't a magnet that looked like an artist's interpretation of a butterfly.

37. It was a magnet that looked like a real butterfly somehow got a magnet stuck to its belly.

38. I shot across the room and waved my manager away from me. In silence, of course, because I was on the phone.

39. She frowned and said, "But it's a butterfly."

40. Like that would somehow make me like it more.

41. When she realized I truly did not find joy in the freaky little thing, she put it away.

42. *sigh*

43. I realize I'm very strange.

44. In fact, I freely admit it.

45. I am not, however, in menopause.

46. Tune in on Wednesday to learn about some exciting changes to the author interviews! And keep a weather eye on the blog this week because, believe it or not, I nearly died. Again. Because of my nose.

16 comments:

  1. Those ice cream shoes are way cool. Not that I'm going to rush out and buy a pair, but they're fun to look at. Thanks for the pix.

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  2. According to my mom, as soon a I turned 30, every decision I made that she didn't agree with or understand meant I was going through menopause. I'm not sure why, but it's damn annoying.

    You are not alone in your fear of butterflies. No, not me. I'm cool with any bug that pollinates my flowers. My BFF is terrified of them. 20 years ago, when I asked her why, she replied. "They have too many legs."
    It was enough for me.

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  3. Oh, PS.... It's me above, Shawna (Writermom). Wordpress is wonky again and wouldn't let me sign in

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  4. Wait...you're scared of butterflies? You do know that butterflies was the whole theme of my wedding right?

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  5. If people tease you about the butterfly thing, you can always point out that in Bikini Bottom everyone ran from one because it was a MONSTER. Or did you manage to watch that episode of Spongebob? The real life butterfly they showed freaked me out and I like the things.

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  6. I almost spit my drink out when I read the "I'm spawning" bit. LOL.

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  7. Keli - They ARE fun to look at! Maybe if I had just the right sundress to go with them ...

    Shawna - Your bff is exactly right!

    Beth - OF COURSE your wedding was nothing but butterflies. You've been genetically pre-disposed to torture me even before we met!

    Writer - I did see that episode. It was hysterical.

    Lindsay - This is not your first Monday list, girl. You know better that to read while drinking.

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  8. He's lucky to be alive!

    Those 1st shoes are hideous - what kind of brain created them???

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  9. hmm...you realize this is like broadcasting on cnn, your plans for world domination as you reveal your jugular. Not good, my friend. What if, upon meeting one, say, at a conference, you are confronted with butterfly paperweights frolicking amdist a basket of beans....i told you i farm, didnt I? And have had said winged creature land ON me?

    rr farmer

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  10. Jemi - I know, right? I subscribe to a monthly shoe showroom thing and these were one of the options. Not that looking like a web-footed platypus isn't sexy, but ... okay, it isn't.

    RR - Are you THREATENING me with random butterfly sightings?? You know now that if we ever meet in person, I'm going to packing a can of Raid, right?

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  11. lolol. thats what goggles are for. ill claim im 'going steampunk' that should take care of it....

    rr

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  12. Oh man, I haven't been able to read one of your posts in a bit and this brought me RIGHT BACK WHERE I BELONG. Rolling around laughing. :D

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  13. My wife said that she would kill for those ice cream shoes. I probably would too. Those are awesome.

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  14. Ok, seriously, I'm terrified of moths. It's something with the wings. And the powdery substance that clings to the wings. And the way they dive bomb my head if any come within a square mile of me. And...you get my point.

    I may have shrieked in the middle of retreat karaoke when a moth few in the cabin.

    Anyway, I've had the argument with many people that butterflies are really just moths in drag. NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME. Jeffrey Dahmer is bad. If you put him in a gorgeous sequined ensemble with matching stilettos and a faux-angel wings, he's still bad.

    Same. Thing.

    I'm glad you understand.

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  15. Book Geek - My work here is done.

    IQ Test - They are pretty fabulous.

    Gretchen - "Butterflies are really just moths in drag." I <3 you forever.

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