1. Because apparently nothing says sexy like a pair of spray painted goat hooves on your feet.
2. I worry about people sometimes. I really do.
3. I worry about myself more, though.
4. Because I have a habit of accidental idiocy.
5. Like when I couldn't figure out how to make gmail chat work this week (Don't. Ask.) and had to ask for instruction.
6. Bonus points to Mandy for not delivering said instruction with the scorn it deserved.
7. Or the time (also this week) when I couldn't understand how to work the new Google image thingy to get to the actual site, and Myra had to explain to me that I needed to close the pic first.
8. I'd give her bonus points for lack of scorn, but it was in her eyes.
9. And in her laugh.
10. So NO POINTS FOR YOU, MYRA.
11. But really the best example of accidental idiocy from this previous week is the following tweet I posted on Thursday night:
Have a quiet house and a Sonic peach teat. Going to dive into my WIP and write!
12. I'm sure you see the problem.
13. To my knowledge, Sonic has yet to offer its consumers flavored teats.
14. An oversight I'm sure they'll rectify once I provide them indisputable proof of its appeal.
15. I didn't realize my error until I checked my email some thirty minutes later and found COPIOUS emails from Twitter listing new followers of my account.
16. Most were those with some sort of teat fetish.
17. A few may have been misguided peach farmers.
18. It's possible there was a cow in the mix somewhere.
19. I'd like to smoothly transition into my next topic, but sadly, it has nothing to do with teats, or peach farmers, or cows and everything to do with BOYS.
20. Myra called me the other day while I was at Books A Million writing. The conversation went like this:
Myra: Hey. Um, I was just driving by your neighborhood on __insert busy street name here__ and I think I saw your children balancing on top of the subdivision sign right next to the busy street. I'm pretty sure they were your boys.
Me: Please tell me they were clothed?
Myra: Yeeeesss, I think so.
Me: Were they peeing on the cars as they drove past?
Myra: Definitely not.
Me: Well, that's something, at least.
Myra: Yeesss, but I thought maybe it was concerning because they are playing next to a really busy street?
Me: Oh. That. Yes. Of course. I'll call them right away.
And I did. And now they think I have spies everywhere. Which can only work to my advantage.
21. And because apparently I cannot think of a transition to save my life, I'm going to abruptly begin discussing progress on the book I'm turning in this coming weekend.
22. I've typed an insane amount of words over the last month.
23. Many of them were keepers.
24. Some of them were not.
25. I need to write 15k more (approximately) to finish the book. I'm really excited about this one. It's my first foray into the YA genre (Which is my go-to genre to read so I don't know why it took me so long to write it.).
26. There's really no way I can tie that in to ugly goat shoes, peach teats, or boys peeing on cars either because a) I'm mostly brain dead at the moment or b) ... nope, let's go with A.
27. Tune in Wednesday for an interview with debut YA author Kelly Keaton and her incredible novel DARKNESS BECOMES HER. Just the sneak peek of it will have you begging for more. I promise.
LMAO. You need spies, girl, with those kids!
ReplyDeleteK
(and so I take it you don't want those shoes for your b-day? :P)
Sounds like a lot of mental acrobatics going on over there.... I'm exhausted just thinking about it all. :O)
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love how the first thing you asked is if your boys were clothed! I hear ya. Not just a peach teat, but a Sonic one...that almost sounds dangerous. Maybe you need a nap? :)
ReplyDeleteI think we should send this post to Sonic's corporate HQ. Those peach-flavored teats would sell quite well. :)
ReplyDeleteCJ your posts always crack me up :) I LOVE hearing stories about your kids!
ReplyDeleteAlso, GO YOU on the book! 15k will fly by. You're a writing machine.
PS I'll be emailing you back by the end of the week (at the very latest).
I have a theory.
ReplyDeleteI think those shoes are actually the first assault of the zombie goat apocalypse. They get everyone to accept goat hooves as fashion accessories. Then, when the hooves no longer spark WTF?! reactions, they release the trained zombie goats who walk on two legs to walk among us, disguised, and learn our secrets. Before we know it, the apocalypse is upon us!
That's my theory, at least.
I think I hurt myself, I laughed so hard.
ReplyDeletePeach teat, huh? They do realize that Baby Gaga got pulled from the store in England. You know, the ice cream made with human milk. I'm all for new and inventive frozen treats, but I'm not sure I want to try either.
ReplyDelete1. That was a hilarious post and brightened my day.
ReplyDelete2. This next thing in no way is a critique of the overall point of the beginning of the post but–
3. I believe goats have cloven hooves, not singular hooves.
4. But even so, ridiculous shoes.
5. It's good for children to think you have spies everywhere. It will work to your advantage.
6. Thanks for sharing your hilarious thoughts with us.