Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Pizazzed!



1. It's been FAR too long since I did one of my lists.

2. So much has happened between when I posted my "YAY I SOLD MY BOOK" post and now, so there's a pretty good chance I won't remember most of it.

3. Naturally, the stuff I don't want to remember is indelibly seared into my brain.

4. And, sadly, the brain of one very embarrassed TSA agent at the airport in Sacramento where I left my dignity and a good portion of any residual "Hm, perhaps THIS should be the last straw that sends me over the edge and into a loony bin" thoughts.

5. What was I doing in an airport in Sacramento that cost me my dignity and nearly made a hapless TSA agent walk into a wall?

6. I was traveling home from a mini-vacation to California. With my fifteen-month-old daughter. Just the two of us, a stuffed-to-the-limit diaper bag carry on, and a long security line that failed to keep her adequately interested.

7. Know what a toddler does when she's bored and has decided to abscond for more interesting locations?

8. She squirms. She fusses. She wiggles. And then, THEN, she makes an all-out bid for freedom that is probably now a viral video somewhere, only I'm not about to go trolling the internet looking for it.

9. I was there.

10. Once was enough.

11. I'd struggled to get her shoes off without taking a hand off of her (She's decided she likes to go up to complete strangers and ask to be picked up. Which, in a crowded Memorial Day weekend airport, is a frickin' nightmare for a mother.), and then struggled to get my own shoes off and place our carry on in the appropriate bins, all without losing my grip on her.

12. I'd then struggled to move those bins along to the conveyor while my daughter tried her best to ride the conveyor as well.

13. I figured once I only had myself and the baby to worry about, my troubles would be over.

14. That's a refreshingly naive statement, isn't it?

15. I released my bins onto the conveyor belt, turned to face the bulky TSA agent waiting for me on the other side of the metal detector and started walking.

16. Baby J, having had quite enough of wiggling in her mother's arms, chose that exact moment to whip an arm down the front of my shirt, bend over, and heave herself toward the floor.

17. I caught her before she succeeded in her kamikaze mission, but saving her meant sacrificing something else.

18. My dignity.

19. What little I possess.

20. She yanked my shirt down to my belt line.

21. MY BELT LINE.

22. The girls were on full display as I walked through the metal detector and came eye to eye with a ridiculously embarrassed TSA agent.

23. He immediately turned away from me, sort of stumbled into the side of the metal detector, and said something like "Do you want to sit down? You should sit down. Why don't you go sit down, and I'll help you get your bins?"

24. His face sort of resembled a radish.

25. It was the fastest security check I've ever had. Why check what you've already seen, right?

26. In other news, my last day at my current job is July 7th.

27. I'm thrilled to a) be able to spend a good chunk of the summer with my kids and b) be able to support myself with writing.

28. In other, other news, I have these pesky author questionnaires to fill out, and they ask questions like "what awards have you won" and "who do you know who might help promote the book"?

29. My agent has nixed the idea of recommending my mom as a strong promoter and claiming to have won an award as Queen of the Llamas.

30. *le sigh*

31. The other day, I checked my Klout score (a tool for measuring how much influence you wield within the social media landscape) and found it to be truly enlightening.

32. According to Klout, I'm a Specialist (Kind of like Stallone, only with better grammar and waaaaaay less physical prowess) in my area of influence and people look to me for the low down on the following topics: books, authors, creative writing, young adult books, and ... *drumroll* ... LLAMAS.

33. I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my pants. I may be the only person in the world who has a social media score that revolves around llamas.

34. Though it's sort of disappointing that llamas fell behind books, authors, and creative writing. When's the last time a book spat at you and while sporting an emo flop of hair over a pair of beady eyes?

35. Exactly.

36. Anyway, there's got to be some way to include my amazing Specialist of the Llamas status to my author questionnaire, right?

37. I can slip it into my bio with none the wiser!

38. Because really? My bio needs a little ... sparkle.

39. My youngest son ran by me the other day and shouted, "You've just been PIZAZZED! What now?"

40. And I realized that's exactly what my bio needs.

41. Pizazz!

42. What could add more Pizazz! than a llama?

3 comments:

  1. Your agent NIXED me as a strong promoter of your book? Who wouldn't want the crazy cat woman from California as a promoter? Really...

    ReplyDelete
  2. If there aren't any llamas in your author bio I'm going to be severely disappointed. Haha! :)

    ReplyDelete

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