Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Back Off My Bubble Gum

1. The glorious monstrosity pictured above was parked in a Kroger parking lot yesterday.

2. I laughed myself stupid when I drove by it.

3. A black 70's Lincoln--with a gold cross covering the oval window--precariously perched on a set of 22s.

4. The phrase you're looking for is Geriatric Pimp-mobile.

5. Also Word To Your Grandmother.

6. And maybe Street Cred--it's not just for those under 80.

7. And yeah, I know the owner of the car is probably some nineteen year old guy who thinks he looks FLY cruising for chicks in the Kroger parking lot with his ancient catholicized (Remember the gold cross?) Lincoln bouncing to the beat of Eminem on his 22s...

8. Speaking of cruising the Kroger parking lot (Yeah, it happens. What better place to find women than a grocery store? Makes perfect sense.), I went grocery shopping late Sunday night and was treated to the site of two of the coolest teenage boys EVER.

9. They were cruising Kroger in their mom's mini-van.

10. Mini-van.

11. With both sliding doors wide open.

12. So everyone could hear Rasheeda sing "My Bubblegum."

13. Teenage boys + mini van + silly song by female artist = cool?

14. I began to put two and two together.

15. I have a mini van.

16. With two sliding doors.

17. And a radio.

18. It's not too late to be cool! Of course, as a matter of pride, I'll have to crank a far different song. No way I would be caught listening to something proclaiming I'm the kind of girl you take home to your mama and you know you want to chew up all my bubblegum.

19. I promise you if you chew up all my bubblegum, I'm coming after you with a spork.

20. I'd crank Disturbed instead.

21. I can see it now: 35 year old mother of three cruising the parking lot (groceries safely installed in the trunk), both sliding doors open, with Indestructible pounding through my speakers--every teenage boy in the vicinity would implode from the sheer wrongness of it all.

22. Yeah, that's all I've got for you today. *grabs van keys and heads out to screw with people's heads*


  1. Ah yes cruising. I guess people still do that. It is against the law in my city. To bad you didn't see this in the parking lot of Wal-mart then you could have sent it to the people of Wal-mart site. Could you also post warnings on your posts so as not to be drinking anything while reading. This is the second time I have read one of your posts and almost got coffee all over my monitors from laughing so hard.

  2. After you said, "I have a minivan"...I was wondering if the next revelation was going to be that the drivers of the minivan that inspired the post were your kids, somehow.

  3. Jennifer: I've been told that before. The problem is...I never really know when a post is going to be coffee-spewing funny and when it's just going to be meh. Sooo...I'd feel really stupid if I posted a big, bold SPIT-TAKE WARNING on a post and then the reader didn't find it funny at all.

    I err on the side of caution at the expense of my readers' monitors. Because I'm mean like that.

    WC: Considering the fact that my oldest is 11, if I caught them driving my mini-van, doors open or not, they'd be duct taped to the wall in the attic, ruing their unfortunate choices and I'd have WEEKS of blogging material out of it. Imagine how much more I'd do to them if I caught them listening to Rasheeda.

  4. THIS was hilarious. I had a Lincoln (2-door/4 dr was LAAAAME) when I was 16. I wanted it LOWER, not higher. That poor car. There should be a foundation devoted to the cause of saving unfortunate vehicles from idiots. Thanks for the snortle.

  5. Pick me up. I'll be ready, wearing my chucks and my Forks sweatshirt.


People who comment are made of awesomesauce with a side of WIN!

A Bad Culinary Decision

A few days ago, on a whim, I bought a bag of Lay's Potato Chips in their new Chicken and Waffles flavor. I figured my kids (who love bot...