Pineapple, Carrot Cake, & Tossing One's Cookies

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1. We traveled south to Louisiana this past weekend to attend a birthday party for my hubby's 87-year-old grandmother.

2. Who still drives.

3. But who SHOULDN'T, as she amply demonstrated any number of times by driving as if other cars NEVER have the right of way.

4. But, I digress.

5. I'm still fairly brain-dead from driving all day Friday, not sleeping well (I never sleep well in hotels), and then driving all day Monday to return home only to get up before dawn Tuesday morning to take Starshine to the hospital for the surgery required to remove the titanium rods put into his arm last year when he broke it.

6. Since I'm brain-dead, it's highly likely I'll forget to blog about something truly BLOG WORTHY about this trip.

7. However, since I haven't posted in a week, that's a risk I'll have to take.

8. The trip can be divided into two categories: Stuff I Enjoyed and Stuff I Wouldn't Repeat Unless You Promised Me A Pan Of Lemon Bars Delivered By Johnny Depp Himself.

9. Stuff I Enjoyed: hanging with the family. Which included meeting my newest nephew and niece (who are both adorable), having a girl's afternoon at a nail spa, and stopping by the beach on the way home.

10. The OTHER category will take a while. We'll start with the drive down. It's a 600 mile trip, one way. We have three boys. Cramming three boys inside a mini-van for a 10 hour drive is already a recipe for disaster so I envisioned having some "moments" along the way. Not once did I imagine the worst "moments" would belong to me.

11. It all started with lunch.

12. And the fact that whatever I ate for lunch decided to take up arms and start something with my stomach.

13. My stomach responded by declaring an all-out war.

14. I realized this as I was driving through Tuscaloosa, Alabama while Clint grabbed a nap.

15. He woke up as I screeched to a halt in front of what can only be described as a decrepit gas station. Decrepit, in this case, is a euphemism for Holy Cow That's Nasty. I can assure you, the condition of its bathroom made its outer exterior look positively fabulous.

16. I spent some time in the bathroom (Which had a sign informing me that the plumbing was easily overwhelmed and instructing me to use the handy plunger left for my convenience in the almost-certain chance the toilet decided to overflow rather than flush. The plunger looked like it probably carried the Bubonic Plague with a little dash of rabies.). When I returned to the car and informed Clint that my lunch had decided to make a forcible reappearance, he took over the wheel.

17. And texted his best friend with the gory details.

18. And in between the next four times I had him stop so I could empty my stomach, he and his friend high-fived each other over the fact that Clint had the good fortune to marry a woman who puked all over Tuscaloosa, home of the University of Alabama, staunch rivals of the University of Tennessee.

19. Men.

20. Shortly after my last gas-station-restroom stop, we drove across something called The Chunky River.

21. I know. Ironic.

22. Later in the drive, we passed a billboard which issued the following instructions in brilliant yellow: Don't You Buy No Ugly Tractor.

23. Words to live by.

24. Of course, driving for 10 hours with boys lends itself to overhearing a few interesting comments as well.

25. Early in the trip, Daredevil said, "Greetings, my leathery apprentice!" We still aren't sure whom he was talking to.

26. Near the end of the trip, Starshine yelled, "Wait! Is that puke? Oh, never mind. It's just carrot cake." Again, we have no idea where he saw carrot cake or how he could confuse the two. We've learned sometimes it's best to just not question it.

27. As we neared our destination, Daredevil began discussing the prospect of hanging out with his great-grandmother. The conversation went as follows:

D: You know, elderlies are a lot more fun than you'd think.

Me: Really?

D: They have enthusiasm!

Me: Cool. The enthusiasm makes them fun?

D: Yes!

Me: What do you think they like to eat?

D: *answers instantly* Pineapple! It makes elderlies seem more exotic.

28. I've run out of time to continue the riveting tale of my vacation. Tune in tomorrow to read about why I screamed bloody murder in our hotel, nearly froze while in the shower, and almost kicked a young woman's teeth out. On accident.