Friday, April 13, 2007

How To Handle A Phone Solicitor

I don't like phone solicitors. Who does? They call at the most inconvenient times, don't listen to a thing you say, and try to take your money.

A solicitor's number has been popping up on our caller i.d. no less than 5 times a day for the past 3 days. I've ignored it every time. Today, I got sick of running down the stairs, sure that the school was calling with the news that my middle child had finally succeeded in his lifelong quest to fly off a roof.

Today, I answered.

Here is the basic gist of the phone call.

CJ: Hello?

IDIOT: Hello, Mrs. Redwine?

CJ: Who's calling please?

IDIOT: How are you today, Mrs. Redwine?

CJ: Who's calling?

IDIOT: How are you today?

CJ: Listen, this is my phone, I ask the questions. Either you answer me or I hang up.

IDIOT: Oh, well, umm, yes, you see, this is (unpronouncable name) calling on behalf of Bell South Communications.

CJ: What do you want?

IDIOT: Well, I was just looking through your phone records -

CJ: What for? I didn't authorize that.

IDIOT: Yes, well, Mrs. Redwine, I was just looking through your phone records and I noticed that you have DSL.

CJ: Good for you.

IDIOT: How is your DSL working for you?

CJ: Let's get to the point here. You and I both know if my DSL wasn't working properly I would call Bell South myself. Instead, you are calling me. What are you selling?

IDIOT: Well, Mrs. Redwine, no, I'm not - I'm just, I noticed that you could get five times faster internet connection on your DSL with no additional charges to your monthly phone bill.

CJ: So you want me to believe that you are calling me to give me something for free?

IDIOT: It is no additional charge to your monthly phone bill, okay?

CJ: Okay what?

IDIOT: Okay to the new upgraded service.

CJ: No. Are you calling to give me something for free or are you calling to sell me something?

IDIOT: If you would just let me tell you, Mrs. Redwine, I've been looking at your phone records -

CJ: It's a yes or no question. Are you selling me something or not?

IDIOT: Is your husband at home? Can I talk to him?

CJ: Oh you did NOT just ask me that!

IDIOT: Can I talk to him?

CJ: Absolutely not. He feeds people like you to me for breakfast. We don't want whatever it is you're selling, we don't want any changes to our service, and we don't want to be harrassed with any more phone calls.

IDIOT: But Mrs. Redwine -

CJ: Never call here again. (click)

And that is how you handle a phone solicitor.


  1. You could do that...or (what I like to do) try one of these options;

    1. Pretend to be a crazed redneck that keeps interrupting the salesman to hit his wife or kick his child.

    2. Prentend to be deaf and make the salesman repeat EVERYTHING he/she/it says MULTIPLE times.

    3. Breathe heavily and deeply and never say a word. Then, when theyre about to hang up, scream as loud as you can.

    4. Have another person pick up on another phone in the house also and persist on arguing about everything relevant or off topic to what the salesman is saying.

    Theres many more I do when salesmen call my house, but if Im to be living with you soon, you'll see many of them and not have to worry about your persistent problem anymore! =)

  2. LOL!! I love those ideas. Feel free to answer the phone at my house any time!

    Another friend of mine just keeps repeating "I can't understand you. I can't understand you." until the person gets frustrated and hangs up.

    Someone else I know had a solicitor from a newspaper call and he started crying and asking why they would mock him because he is illiterate.

  3. those are all so good. i just hang up! 'nuff said.


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