You all know that recently I took a walk across my yard and ran straight into a tree. Weird injuries like that are not unusual for me. Here are a few of the more memorable ones for this Friday flashback.
1. A few months ago at work, I was told to "marry" the half-used bottles of Tabasco sauce together. The only way to do that is to pry off the tiny plastic top with a fork. Unfortunately, when I popped off the top, a drop of Tabasco flew into the air and straight into my left eye. I learned two things: 1. Given the right incentive, I can scream like a little girl. 2. You can develop a welt inside your eye. These were both unwelcome discoveries.
2. Two years ago, I was vacuuming underneath my dining room table - on my hands and knees with the extension hose - and I misjudged the edge of the table. I sat up too soon and knocked myself silly. By the time my husband got home, it was clear I needed medical attention. I went to the emergency room with a severe concussion, had to convince the nurse that yes I really had delivered the fatal blow myself (with the help of my new nemesis, the dining room table, and its nefarious accomplice, the vacuum cleaner) and my hubby had nothing to do with it. I learned two things: 1. It takes weeks to unscramble your brains after a blow like that. 2. A male doctor does not see the logic in writing a prescription for maid service even when presented with clear evidence that housework is dangerous to my health.
3. A few months after the dining room table fiasco, I was taking a shower, reached up to grab the shampoo out of the shower caddy (which hooks over the nozzle and as I'm a fairly short person, is therefore above my head) and knocked a full can of shaving cream loose. It flipped toward me and I swear I had a millisecond to think "Oh, crap" before it hit me square in the middle of my forehead leaving a bruise and a headache in its wake. I learned this: 1. The speed of my reactions is seriously flawed. 2. My hubby finds the things I do to myself entirely too funny.
4. This past summer, while completely hopped up on cold medicine and ibuprofen (I can't hold my alcohol or my meds!), I attempted to drive over to say goodbye to a friend who was moving. Turns out driving wasn't my main problem. Walking across the lawn to my car was the true challenge. I did a graceless stop drop and roll toward the street that might have won me $100,000 on AFV except none of my neighbors had the good sense to be outside filming my house for possible comedic material.
5. Recently I was chatting with my friend Paul online and he made me laugh. This is not unusual. I was eating lunch at the time. This is also not unusual. When I laugh, I do it with everything I've got. No polite little chuckles, no lady-like giggles - I just let loose. This kind of laughter requires air. To get air, one must suck it in through either the nose or the mouth. My mouth was full of chicken. I chose to suck air in through my nose. This, it turns out, was a very bad idea. The nose and the mouth are connected in such a way that when I sucked in a snoot full of air, I sucked in my bite of chicken as well. I don't care what anyone tells you, snorting chicken hurts.
6. When I was a sophomore in college, I was kicked in the head by a horse. Yes, yes, I realize this explains everything you've ever wondered about me. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I had the kind of whiplash usually reserved for victims of 13 car pile-ups or women who've just caught a glimpse of Orlando Bloom. No, I haven't been near a horse since. But on the bright side, I've got a great ice-breaker story for parties. I mean honestly - how many people do you know that can honestly say they've been kicked in the head by a horse? *grins*
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