Thursday, July 10, 2008

Where In The World Is C.J.?

Where have I been this week? It's a toss up between being locked into the back office of the restaurant, orienting new employees to all the finer points of their new job (THAT is the bathroom you may use, THAT is the parking lot you may use, THAT is not a word you may ever use in front of the guests and Seriously? We're discussing tampons? Yes, that THWACK you heard was the sound of my head banging voluntarily against my desk.) and being locked inside the Adventure Science Center which, while having the definite advantage of being family friendly and thus giving me much-needed time with my kiddos, is also home to the Farting Slide.

Yes, that's right.

A slide. That farts. On purpose.

It's the mode of exit from one's climb through the lower intestines.

Starshine and Daredevil found it impossible to resist.

Speaking of bodily functions, Starshine has been working hard to develop a talent that he alone, out of all three boys, possesses. No, I'm not talking about communing with aliens or the ability to drop non-sequitors into any conversation.

I'm talking about being able to swallow air and then burp on command. This kid can swallow air and then forcefully expel what seems like far more air than he could ever have swallowed in the first place. Really. One little gulp and out comes the Star Spangled Banner with a side of Jesus Loves Me. Trust Starshine to be the one kid able to thumb his nose at a tried-and-true law of physics and get away with it.

As we drove home from the ASC, he burped. He belched. He answered questions with foul expulsions of air. He delivered appropriate sound-effects to his brothers' not-so-successful efforts and I had finally had ENOUGH.

I explained as much to him. ENOUGH. No more burping on demand. No more swallowing air and then conducting conversations in belches while expecting everyone around him to be suitably awed. No more demonstrations of musical ability via bodily functions at home, the grocery store, or church. Especially church.

Starshine's puzzled response: "But Mom, burping is Joy."

And yes *sigh*, he belched his answer.


  1. For what it's worth, all of your suffering and angst conspired to make me laugh so hard as to send myself into a coughing fit. A FARTING SLIDE. Thank goodness they didn't think to add smell to that particular display.

    And please know that my first "boyfriend" (7th grade... we just giggled at each other a lot) used to have the same belching "talent." He once attempted to belch the alphabet. He PASSED OUT around M.

    And please know, too, that he's turned out to be a heckuva guy... sweet as they come and still my good friend after all these years. It will all be ok.

    And thanks for the laugh. Best gift one can give.

  2. CJ,you do know how to have fun. And think of this. Maybe someday Starshine will come up with an idea as intriguing as the slide, such as a belching bounce house, and allow you to retire in style. And while you may listen to a chorus of burped melodies, just think of what the mother of the boy who became the man who designed the slide must have listened to.


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