Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Hoist The Bobble Heads!

I've decided the undergarment industry could do with some "Change We Can Believe In" campaigns of their own. For starters, I'd like at least one company to realize that gravity is a harsh mistress who attacks more than just the breasts.

Furthermore, my breasts are not the only things than need lifting and separating. There's the matter of my derriere. Also, I believe I'm passing the point where the lifting and separating of my breasts is any kind of solution at all.

Separation is no longer a problem. It's corralling them both into a semblance of their original position and then holding them there that causes difficulty. And I don't need a garment that promises lift. I need one that is prepared to hoist.

I need NASA to take on the undergarment world. I figure if NASA can master g-force and rocket thrust, break through our atmosphere and defy gravity, they ought to be able to design a bra that makes me look like my breasts aren't going south for the winter. Perhaps they could use some sort of pliable metal so that I'm not only hoisted into position, I'm not in danger of catching a stiff breeze and poking out the eye of someone behind me as my breasts fly willy-nilly over my shoulders.

It's like having two organically-grown bobble head dolls permanently attached to my body.


  1. I've probably spent more money on bras in my lifetime than on all other forms of clothing combined, and I've never had a good one.

    The latest "oh, you have GOT to be kidding me" issue is with a "seamless" bra from VS. (Because thread is teh work of teh debil?) It's not sewn together---it's GLUED, which I discovered after about 10 washes when all the "hems" came undone.

    And I'd really like something with some structure on the sides that doesn't crumple, wrap around me like a rubberband, and create a muffin top in my armpits. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

    And on a related matter, WHY, when you lose a couple of pounds, does it always come off the boobage? I protest not because I miss the lady humps (not like I'm using 'em for anything) but because there's now gappage necessitating the purchase of NEW unsatisfactory undergarments.

  2. Lane Bryant's plunge bra. Lifts, separates and you don't get poked in the chin by the underwire bones.


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