Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How To Write A Scintillating Blog Post

In five minutes or less:

1. Open blog page and hit "sign in" button.

2. Curse for the fifty-thousandth time as blogger opens but refuses, despite repeated requests, to remember your log-in information.

3. Type in log-in information.

4. Check the box marked "remember log-in information" for the fifty-first-thousandth time--proving that either hope springs or idiocy abounds.

5. Hit "create post" button.

6. Stare at empty page.

7. Glance at clock and realize time is of the essence--five minutes to go before you must leave for work.

8. Wonder what you can blog about that will be both interesting and non-time-consuming.

9. Flying monkeys.

10. Indian soda made from cow's urine.

11. The extreme likelihood that Joan Rivers is a Zombie and no one yet realizes it.

12. Discard each idea as either too time-consuming (really the cow's urine soda deserves much thoughtful pontification), too hackneyed (who really cares about flying monkeys?), or too obvious. (Joan Rivers is a Zombie, folks. Accept and move on.)

13. Check picture file to see if anything interesting sparks your imagination.

14. Check time.

15. Three minutes left.

16. Check Twitter in case anyone has said anything remotely interesting, controversial, or inspiring.

17. Decide that a war of irritating song lyrics, while good clean fun on Twitter, might fall flat on your blog.

18. 867-5309

19. And IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu.

20. Hey, Makarena!

21. One minute left.

22. Realize that blogging excellence might be found in your latest string of key word searches.

23. Click on stats button and pray for gold.

24. Find searches containing the words "dog flings poop" and "goat farmer" instead.

25. Admit that the goal of offering lofty, high-brow entertainment has now been achieved.

26. Recognize that as such, today's post can hardly top such excellence.

27. Decide to leave well enough alone.

28. Find one more keyword search with which to inspire your readers on a Tuesday morning.

20. Monkey flings popsicle goat.

21. And really, I think that says it all.

17 comments:

  1. ROFLOL God woman, you kill me! I'm so glad I found your blog oh so many moons ago.

    Or you can post the wonderful Twitter event of two of your characters fighting. =) Yes, I'm a freak.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I shall have to try your method as I'm short on ideas as well this morning...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Whether you're a brother, or whether you're a mother you're STAYIN' ALIVE. STAYIN' ALIVE. AH AH AH AH STAYIN' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ang Dot - et tu brute?

    Jinx - Glad I could entertain you. May the battle be epic.

    Kait - It's somewhat effective...

    ND - I've got friends in low places...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Do do do do, do do, do do-
    CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you just hit the Sign In button without typing in your info, it will take you to a different screen that apparently remembers your log in. Had that fight a while ago.

    Someday, somebody's gonna make you turn around and say goodbye
    Til then, baby, don't you let them hold you down and make you cry
    Things will change
    Things will go your way
    If you hold on for one more day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIIIIGH ENOUGH-
    AIN'T NO VALLEY LOOOOW ENOUGH-
    AIN'T NO RIVER WIIIILD ENOUGH~

    Okay, I REALLY need to stop BELIEVING CAPS LOCK is CRUISE control FO' cool. BuT At LEaSt i DoN'T TyPE LiKE ThIs. Oh yeah, this barrage of infinite song lyrics shan't end until I run out of ideas. Just thought ya should know, buddeh.

    ReplyDelete
  9. My Dearest AngDot,

    I'm a bit worried as I'm now fighting a song-lyric battle on three separate fronts. One of which is your mother and a more formidable opponent would be difficult to conceive. As you are her offspring in EVERY way, that makes you formidable as well.

    However, you may want to rethink your approach as I do have a history of violence. After all, I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.

    Yet.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Angelic - I'm not your budd-ay, guy.

    Just a small town girl
    Livin' in a lonely world
    She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

    ReplyDelete
  11. *snort*
    Istanbul was Constantinople
    Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
    Been a long time gone, Constantinople
    Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ooh! Ooh! I have another!

    SCURVY LOVE!
    ... *mumbles* something, something, something-
    SCURVY LOVE!
    *more mumbling*

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ang Dot -

    Tell me have you ever ever really really really ever loved a woman?

    ReplyDelete
  14. WHAT IS LOVE-
    Baby, don't hurt me,
    Don't hurt me, no more.
    *Do do do, dododo*

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, and by the way?

    NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY,
    NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE,
    NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE-

    *shoe flings from a crowd of anonymity and hits me point-blank in the face, the Mr. Anonymous yelling profanities*

    ReplyDelete
  16. He's a cold-hearted snake
    Look into his eyes
    Uh-oh, he's been telling lies

    ReplyDelete
  17. F is for friends who do stuff together (like OMGWTFBBQthis-song-is-so-annoying contests),
    U is for you and me!
    N is for anywhere at anytime at all,
    down here in the deep blue sea!

    ReplyDelete

People who comment are made of awesomesauce with a side of WIN!

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