Monday, March 1, 2010
1. There's a commercial on the kids' channels advertising a new, wonderful, must-buy-this-now product.
2. What is this new, wonderful, must-buy-this-now product?
3. 3-D bubbles.
4. Which is a relief because I can't tell you how many times I've looked at bubbles floating through the air and thought "If only these were 3-D!"
6. In other what-were-they-thinking product news, Cracker Barrel has their Easter candy out. We have all of the usual suspects--peeps, chocolate eggs, jelly beans--and one very special addition:
7. I had to read it twice to be sure the manufacturers hadn't accidentally left off the word "chocolate."
8. They hadn't.
9. This is truly every child's Easter candy dream: A yellow rubber-ducky-look-alike that tastes like milk.
10. Excuse me while I go gag for a minute.
11. And speaking of gagging, I have a seriously irrational fear I'd like to share with you.
12. And no, I don't think the other fears I've shared with you are irrational.
13. You just keep on believing goats and moths aren't the eventual cause of the Apocalypse. One day soon, I'll be able to say "I told you so."
14. If you survive.
15. But, I digress.
16. I have an irrational fear that if I take a cup out of the cupboard, pour a drink into it, and begin drinking without ever looking into the cup, there will be a spider floating in my drink.
17. This fear is irrational on a number of levels.
18. One, I keep the glasses in the cupboard upside down so there's very little likelihood a spider could get inside.
19. Two, we have a monthly pest service and it's rare to see a bug of any sort inside my home. (Although there was the one day a spider literally DROPPED FROM THE CEILING and LANDED IN MY CLEAVAGE but I can't talk about that without curling up in the fetal position and whining for my mama.)
20. Three, never, not once, has this happened to me.
21. Still, on the rare occasion that I wander into the kitchen at night for a glass of water and use only the hall light to guide me, I'm totally convinced that as I swallow the water, I will, at any second, feel the brush of a nasty spider body against my lips.
22. Do I keep drinking?
24. Without turning on a light and looking?
26. Does it make my stomach cramp with fear and my gag reflex threaten to expel everything I've eaten in the last five hours?
27. You betcha.
28. Why do I do it?
29. Because sometimes a girl has to look her irrational fears in the eye and tell them to suck it.
30. I do, however, have a very rational fear of suicide spider bombers lurking along my ceiling ...