Sunday, June 20, 2010

Beware the (Potentially Suicidal) Ostrich

1. I have to warn you. I feel a looong blog list coming on.

2. You should probably turn back now.

3. I mean it.

4. Notice the sudden obsession with all things ostrich?

5. Yeah. That's just the beginning.

6. Still here? Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you.

7. I saw several movies in the last two weeks: Karate Kid (Awesome Squared! Better than the original.), The A Team (Awesomesauce double-dipped with a side of Heeeelllllooooo, Bradley Cooper! And Liam Neeson. And a crazy dude who tried to jump start an ambulance with a defibrillator. My kind of guy.), and finally Prince of Persia.

8. Hence the ostrich obsession.

9. I mean, I've always kind of had a thing for them. Who wouldn't? They're fierce, wobbly-necked death machines. I can't really quantify the kind of awesome that entails.

10. But I can try. Here's a glimpse of the scene that got to me.

As soon as I saw the necks, I started laughing. I kept laughing long after most of the theater had moved on to the next ooh, shiny moment. Thankfully, I was with Myra, who was also laughing. Later in the movie, we learn that ostriches apparently have suicidal tendencies as well. A wobbly-necked death machine with emo depths. See? Awesome.

11. But truly, my interest in ostriches was reawakened here.

12. If I ever have to apply for another job, I'm going to put ostrich wrangler on my resume. You can't tell me that isn't a guaranteed conversation starter. And who wouldn't want a former ostrich wrangler as an employee? It shows I have MOXIE.

13. And also maybe a lack of common sense.

14. I spent most of last week at my company's home office doing a stint of mandatory corporate training. In that week, I managed to procure another pair of shoes, anger a pack of misguided Celtic fans, and maintain my lifelong vow to avoid ingesting deep fried pork rinds at any cost.

15. I also managed to walk straight into my hotel room's bathroom door.

16. Actually, I didn't walk.

17. I was clever enough to stand still and let the door come to me.

18. Turns out this hotel lacked wifi internet service and had abnormally wide bathroom doors. Two strikes against it, if you ask me.

19. Thankfully, I had no witnesses to the whole stand-still-and-swing-a-door-into-my-face event. The fact that I'm sharing it here with you doesn't count because, while I'm sure your imagination is vivid, you still fail to comprehend the magnitude of this moment of Epic Fail in my life.

20. Trust me. I was there.

21. I did, however, have witnesses to an event of much larger consequence the week before last. It's common knowledge with my management team that I have a love/hate relationship with most pieces of equipment in the managers' office.

22. Until last week, that love/hate (Which is sort of a misnomer because it implies something other than complete loathing. I assure you, COMPLETE LOATHING is the only truly accurate term here.) ... I've lost my place. Oh, yes. Until last week, that love/hate (COMPLETE LOATHING) relationship was confined to my ongoing (losing) battle with the various pieces of technology located therein.

23. The foul beast of a printer, for example, which constantly finds it amusing to seize upon my simple print requests, laugh in my face (Oh, yes, printers can laugh.), and spit out copious amounts of gobbledy-gook-filled pages so fast I can't even grab them before some of them hit the floor. And never mind trying to cancel a print job gone haywire. The cancel button is broken. Or doesn't like me. Or has a sadistic sense of humor. No ... the only way to stop the freight train of destructive tree-killing printing is to empty the paper tray before the printer can empty it for me and then refuse (despite its incessant whining) to give it more.

24. I suppose I could also try to unplug it, but this printer runs on demon energy so I doubt that would work.

25. I also have issues with the fax machine which likes to tell me it can't find a dial tone out of our building when I can SEE there are open phone lines for it to use. I used to panic and resend the entire thing over and over until the fax machine saw fit to stop sitting back sipping Mai Tais and getting a manicure long enough to actually do it's freaking job, but then one day I realized that when it actually got around to working, it would send EVERY SINGLE ONE of my multiple fax requests.

26. It's always fun explaining to a vendor why they received forty-seven requests for the same thing.

27. Of course, the fax and the printer both work beautifully for me whenever my boss is in the room. If he hadn't walked in on an Incident in which I was sprawled on the floor on my hands and knees frantically scooping up half-printed papers while the evil little piece of malice resting on the table above me spewed a continuous stream of paper onto my head, I doubt he'd believe my claims that technology and I go together about as well as gasoline and firecrackers.

28. However, in all my trials with the printer, the fax machine, the adding machine (You are not allowed to laugh at that.), and the computer, I missed all the warning signs of my true nemesis until it was far too late.

29. What could be worse than a demonically-fueled printer, a lazy, liar of a fax machine, a stubbornly geriatric computer, and an adding machine with all the symptoms of someone who went on a Red Bull bender and followed it up with five pots of coffee?

30. A chair.

31. Yes, dear reader, a chair.

32. For all the years I've worked there, we've had the same piece of crap office chair parked in front of the computer. It doesn't adjust to fit your spine. It doesn't adjust to fit your height. It's only claim to technological advancements is the fact it sports four wheels but even those don't roll across the floor without tremendous effort on the part of the sitter. I've never had a problem with that chair. We understand each other.

33. But one day last week, a manager brought in a fancy new chair. It adjusts to fit your spine. It adjusts to your height. And. It. Rolls.

34. It also looks nearly identical to our crappy non-rolling chair.

35. I was in too much of a hurry to tell the difference.

36. I backed up, felt the chair hit my legs, and sat.

37. The chair, with its fancy little rollers that rolled was already halfway across the room.

38. Did I catch myself in time?

39. Heck, no. I hit the floor, which refused to adjust for my height and refused to roll, but had zero problems adjusting my spine for me.

40. Naturally, I had an audience. I threatened instant, on-the-spot, and even IMMEDIATE death to anyone who took pictures or video and turned me into an internet sensation.

41. I'm saving that for when I bedazzle an ostrich and teach it to drop it like it's hot.

42. This is #42. Forty-two. 4. 2.

43. I did warn you this would be a long one.

44. I think I actually have about 20 more in me, but I'll save it for another day.

45. Also, my stint at corporate training (Whose classrooms all had rolling chairs ... I must have looked like an idiot as I clutched the arm rests, lowered myself carefully, and muttered dire threats against the chair's mama should it decide to take off for less imposing keisters.) ... I've lost my train of thought again.

46. Still blank...

47. Oh, yes! I remember now. I didn't have any sort of reliable internet access so you're still without the pizza+cat litter = Epic Fail story. I'll have to remedy that soon.

48. It's worth the wait.

49. Off to wrangle some ostriches!


  1. The Story of C.J.

    Once upon a time, a fax machine, a door, and a gallbladder conspired to bring about the downfall of C.J. While she did fall down (many times), she could not be kept down for long and rode off into the sunset on a bedazzled ostrich.

    The End

    Should you ever have occasion to stay in a fancy hotel room and enter the bathroom to discover one of those computerized toilets that heats, deodorizes, washes, dries, oscillates, vibrates, flushes itself, orders room service, and sings show tunes, I suggest you run, run fast and far, and don't look back.

  2. They have toilets that run on demon energy too?!?

    *screams and runs from the building*

  3. I couldn't tell you how many times I LOL'd at this! Love it! :)

  4. Thank you for being the first LOLfest of the day!
    P.S. I've feared ostriches ever since that commercial for what was probably Stride gum. PECK!
    P.P.S. I really don't like Jake Gyllenhaal, and his last name is very hard to spell. Instead of wanting to watch the Prince of Persia movie because of the ostriches, he has ruined such a majestic bird for me. I like the game better, even though I'm really, really bad at it.

  5. Love. It.

    Except Karate Kid was nowhere near as good as the original.


    The only place something that ludicrous is acceptable is in Crocodile Dundee. And even then it's iffy.


  6. NO! really?? OmG I am laughing so hard I can barely type. I have same problem. EXACTLY. my hubby and boss. It's like this. Or, you just doing it wrong. Evil. Spawn. Yes, our fax was and the other printer. I have one that I kept when office shut down that I had bought for me. It lurved me. It wouldn't work for anyone else, and I finally had a piece of office equipment that wasn't trying to get me fired. Or worst. ON America's Funniest Videos!

    Right now, My Word programs come up with review coments on by default. I can't change it. My hubby thinks I'm crazy until he tried to change it. NO. Can. Do. Buddy. The computer knows it's for me and it ain't happening. Wonder if the osterich would make a good threat? Think the computer would care?

    LOL Love the list!

  7. And PS Kerry Allen. Do you have list at such hotels so that I may send their toilets hate mail? I can't even get the auto toilets in the retail shops to work and they just auto flush. I wish to make a preemptive strike at these monstrous toilets while they are distracted by C.J.'s screaming exit...

  8. MG - Lol. That totally didn't bother me. One of the sales techniques I train my employees on is the art of doing what you want your customer to mimic. For example, if you want someone to agree with what you're saying (Like "Wouldn't it be wonderful to enjoy some chocolate cake with your coffee?"), you make eye contact and nod your head while asking. It feels ridiculously stupid the first few times you do it, but it WORKS. The person you're talking to nods with you, unconsciously mimicking you, and before you know it, they find themselve much more agreeable to whatever you're suggesting than they would've been without mirroring your behavior.

    So, I had no problem believing he could cause his opponenet to imitate him, and I thought it was cool that he finally found the ability to be still inside enough to pull it off. :)

  9. AngDot - I, too, have difficulty spelling Jake's last name and am not an enthusiastic fan. But the ostrich! The ostrich cracks me up.

  10. Oh, no, I had NO problem imagining EXACTLY how it looked when you hit yourself with the door. I've seen it. In person. Many times. Ooh, remember when...nah, I'll save that for a blog post of my own. *runs off to avoid the rain of cat litter and chess pieces*

  11. The only place something that ludicrous is acceptable is in Crocodile Dundee.
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