Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Voices Are OUTSIDE My Head

As many of you know, I work at Cracker Barrel. Tonight, after my shift, I spent some time shopping in the store (thankfully remembering I needed to buy a wedding gift for this weekend). After making my purchases, I decided to use the restroom before leaving.

I'll spare you the sordid details and just say that I was alone in the bathroom when I heard THE VOICE.

THE VOICE: I can see you.

ME: WHAT????! *looks frantically around the stall for source of voice - finds nothing*

THE VOICE: Look up. I can see you.

ME: *looks up and sees nothing but ceiling tiles* This had better be someone's idea of a sick practical joke.

THE VOICE: Come on, now, look at me. I can look at you.

ME: Well you'd better not be looking at me, buster, because as soon as I figure out where you are, I'm going to break you in half. *exits stall - with attitude*

THE VOICE: Stand up and you'll see me.

ME: I am standing. *pauses to wonder if VOICE is real or is one of many that reside in my head*

THE VOICE: I've got something for you.

ME: Oh goody because I have something for you too. *spends a moment deciding between ripping out eyeballs or going with a good old-fashioned kick to the groin*

THE VOICE: Danny, I've got a toy for you.

ME: Danny? Who the frick is Danny? If you're going to terrorize a woman in the restroom, at least have the courtesy to use the right name.

THE VOICE: There you are!

ME: Where? *bursts out of the restroom ready to kill*

THE VOICE: Here's your toy.

ME: What the - ? *sees manager talking on restaurant's loudspeaker to 3 year old boy. Learns that loudspeaker resides in the restroom to alert ALL guests to the availability of their table. Takes appropriate action to inform manager of near case of heart failure and personal opinion on his actions. Cannot discuss the rest as per lawyer's instruction.*


  1. i am currently thinking of some great deli names as soon as i get one i will let you know

  2. That's hilarious. I can only picture your face and it's making me laugh!

  3. I think I scared my manager a little when I came out of the restroom...something about flames shooting out of my eyeballs...

    Can't help it. I was freaked.

    Good to hear from you!!! Miss you!

  4. The funny thing is, I can see this all happening as it unfolds. Your face must have been pricelss. Too bad I missed it.

  5. It was James, of course.

    UNO rides again.


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