Friday, September 28, 2007

Truth

Truth is a curious thing.

You can argue with truth. You can fight it. You can ignore it, despise it, deny it. You can embrace it.

But you cannot change it.

Truth is like gravity. We can fly thousands of miles across the sky. We can visit the moon. We can jump from cliffs, hang-gliders strapped to our backs, and soar. But no matter how we fight it, gravity always brings us back to the ground.

I'm discovering that inside of our hearts, truth exists. When we scrape past appearances, dig beyond what we carefully show others, listen past the words we fumble through with those we love - we find the truth.

Maybe the truth is that we are hurt. Maybe the truth is that we are scared. Maybe we're lonely. Maybe we're angry. Maybe we float alone on a sea of hopelessness - convinced that no one could ever save us now.

Maybe the truth of our hearts would strike a familiar chord in others as it echoes the private longings, fears, and desires we all hold because we are human and we've been wounded. Maybe it would but we are too frightened to try.

We bundle the truth of our hearts into the darkest corner we can find and rush to create a blazing distraction elsewhere, lest someone get close enough to really see us as we are.

We don't want to admit that we need. Desperately. That we long for others to connect with our heart. To touch us. To breathe life into our dreams, listen to our pain, and offer the comfort of understanding.

We deny the truth that we are made to live in close relationship with others. We cannot live alone. We can survive, but we cannot live alone.

We get angry at ourselves for needing love. We convince ourselves love isn't worth the risk, the pain. We forget how often we've dealt pain to others and build walls around our spirits.

We tell ourselves it's better to feel nothing than to be wounded again.

We become cowards with the truth of our hearts.

And though we can argue, fight, ignore, deny, or despise the true state of our hearts, we cannot change it.

We are wounded. We are scared that no one can love us as we really are. We are angry that we need others when we think it's wiser to stand alone.

We could stand alone.

We could.

But the truth is that without opening ourselves to others, without the courage to be transparently honest about what we really long for, what we truly need, we never really stand.

We crouch. We tremble. We duck our heads and get through one more day.

I have felt afraid to need others. I have been angry at myself for breaking when I tried to stand alone. I have been wounded and convinced that feeling nothing was better than risking everything. I have felt ashamed to admit to those who love me that I need more from them than I ever take.

I still feel that way. But I am learning to recognize the truth of my heart. I cannot stand alone. I cannot live fully without letting others touch my heart, hold it, maybe fumble it a time or two. I cannot change the truth that I need others, that I long for friendships that wrap around me and love me as I am.

Since I cannot change that truth, I choose instead to embrace it.

I want to fully live.

4 comments:

  1. Wow. I come to this blog for the entertainment value but sometimes you suddenly strip away everything and become so breath-takingly vulnerable that it just stops me in my tracks.

    That takes courage.

    I'm glad you have it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brava! *smiles and hugs*

    It's such a risk to open ourselves up - there's so much room for hurt. Real, soul-tearing hurt.

    I've found though, that you get hurt either way. Trying to protect yourself from it only results in a loss of something even greater. The feeling of love that lifts us up and fills our worlds with light.

    K

    ReplyDelete
  3. Too bad you can't face the real truth about yourself and your life. It's funny how much time you spend trying to cover it up through acting like you are facing it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's funny that someone who hasn't spent any time with me at all for over a decade thinks they understand my life.

    My life is not a carbon copy of yours.

    The truth is that I am incredibly blessed and God has healed so much in me. The truth is that I have a close, intimate relationship with my husband. The truth is that I am content and have joy in my life. The truth is that I am not afraid and I am learning to forge close, intimate relationships with others.

    The truth is that, while healing is a constant process, God is faithful and brings me through each stage I reach. I am no longer a victim. No longer a survivor. I am completely alive and it feels wonderful.

    And the truth is that if you honestly cared about me, you'd have the courage to use your name.

    ReplyDelete

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