Monday, February 22, 2010

Just Like Riding A Bike

1. I got some sort of virus last night (kids passed it around this weekend) and had to call out of work this morning. Instead, I'm spending the day in bed (more or less) and am focusing on being uber-productive with writing-related stuff while I rest.

2. I'll be critiquing synopsises for my synopsis workshop clients, reading a few critique partner/client chapters, and continuing work on CASTING STONES revisions.

3. The revisions Holly asked for aren't huge, but there are three scenes that will take some thought, plus I need to layer in something, so while it's a bit time-consuming, I won't be at this for months. More like a week or two.

4. You hear that Revision Duck Mafia? A week or two. Get off my back. *goes after closest beady-eyed hate monger with a spork*

5. Duck. It's what's for dinner.

6. I don't understand how Spastic Kitten can roll across a wet shower floor, carry dirty socks around in her mouth, and chew up erasers and still pretend she has too much dignity to be picked up and carried.

7. Saturday afternoon I rode a bike for the first time in over 20 years.

8. I was flat out terrified that a) I wouldn't keep my balance (a valid fear considering how often my sense of balance fails me) b) the brakes wouldn't work or c) I'd take out a car mirror, toddler, or small dog with my inability to steer, pedal, and breathe at the same time. (Also a valid fear. You'd know this if you read my blog regularly.)

9. I walked the bike down our steep driveway because if I was going to eat a face full of asphalt, it wasn't going to be in front of my neighbors. I've already given them enough entertainment in the six years I've lived here.

10. The Scientist was riding with me and Starshine was jogging alongside. The Scientist likes to jump ramps with his bike. I could jump a ramp too. I could probably even stick the landing. As long as you count plowing into the ground with one's head a perfect landing.

11. The Scientist steered clear of ramps and instead, took me down a long hill. This was fine except for one thing: I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO STOP.

12. Back in the day when I rode bicycles, you simply pedaled backward and the bike stopped. This time, when I started gaining too much speed for comfort (which took about 3 seconds), I pedaled backward and the wheels simply spun around. Mocking me.

13. I may have yelled something along the lines of "Could you please tell me how to brake?" to the Scientist. Or it may have sounded more like "HOLY COW I CAN'T STOP I'M GOING TO DIE YOU WON'T HAVE A MOTHER ANYMORE HELP ME PLEASE GOD I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A SUBDIVISION." Not that I'd rather die in an urban environment, you understand. It was just what came out at the time.

14. Turns out bikes use handlebar brakes. I think there were handlebar brakes back in the day, but I always used pedals.

15. I gripped the handlebar brakes so hard, they squealed. I nearly fell off. Not because I stopped too fast, but because I'm short. And the only other people who've ridden this bike are my husband and my mother, both of which are taller than me by a few inches. The distance from the seat to the ground was about an inch or two longer than my legs. I sort of had to hop forward and down to get my foot on the ground.

16. And what joker in the bike design factory decided bikes should have a thick bar of metal right in front of the seat?

17. I got more comfortable riding, and then realized a very important detail: the seat was too narrow.

18. It was sort of like straddling a fence. A leather-clad fence. Which, actually, doesn't make it more comfortable after the first few minutes. And because the joker in the factory put a bar of metal in my way and the pedals were too far away, I couldn't just lean forward off the seat without riding a piece of metal.

19. With a choice between straddling a leather-clad fence and straddling a metal rod, I went with the leather-clad fence.

20. Chafe: verb (used with object) wear or abrade by rubbing: She chafed her posterior region on a leather- clad fence.

21. I didn't walk right all day yesterday. I should've just worn cowboy boots, a stetson, and stuffed a plug of chewing tobacco in my cheek to complete the illusion.


  1. There is so much here that had me laughing aloud. Your posts are the best way to start Mondays.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  2. Ah yes, the bike...sorry about that! When I was going to take a bike ride with your oldest, I didn't "fit" the bike. My knees were hitting my chin and I asked your dad if this was really an adult bike. He adjusted the seat for me. And yes, the seat needs to go!

  3. Hahah! This made my Monday. You are hilarious. Congrats on riding a bike though, I am terrified for all the reasons that you were :)

  4. That's uncanny. I have a sore throat today. Hoping I'll be infected and contagious so I can get away from school tomorrow.

    But, yeah, I'm afraid of bike riding. And butterflies.

  5. Ella - Thanks!

    Mom - Aha! I knew that seat was up too high. Now I know who to blame. *gives you the Beady Eye*

    Kato - It was very scary. But great exercise. AFTER I get a new seat and make sure it's adjusted properly, I'll be riding again.

    AngDot - That's because buttterflies are cousins to MOTHS and MOTHS are the fluttery spawn of Satan.

  6. *dies laughing*

    I SO know what you mean.

    When I was twenty (which was sadly 8 years ago) I did one of those horrible European tours and one of the optional excursions was mountain biking in austria. My friend INSISTED we do it. I have never been so convinced I was going to die in my entire life. I was the LAST one down the mountain, squeezed the breaks the whole way, and I think I lost about two years of life from the stress. So...yeah.

    Thanks for the laugh--I needed it after my marathon night. Hope you feel better!

  7. You know, I always wondererd what sort of deranged person came up with the bicycle design. As a kid you needed the bikes to get around, but man they were torture to ride.

  8. Helmets are always your best riding friend!


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