Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Conversations With Demerol

Those of you who haven't been keeping up with the drama in my life on Twitter will be wondering why I seemed to have abandoned this blog for nearly a week. The truth is, I got very sick last week and, long story short, ended up in the E.R. Sunday, was admitted to the hospital, and had surgery Tuesday morning to remove my rebellious gall bladder. I'm home now, though I still feel high on pain killer and sedation.

Speaking of being high, on Sunday night my pain was so bad, the nurse had to give me the maximum dosage of Demerol to get me comfortable. I've never had the maximum dosage before. Apparently, the maximum dosage makes me talk. A lot. Fortunately for you, my hubby was there to record the moment. He texted a string of interesting comments of mine to Myra and now, for your enjoyment, I give you the following:

C.J. + Demerol = High As A Kite

Whoa. I'm floating. And I want some spaghetti.

Hey! There are two of you now!

I don't really want an iguana.

There is no cactus in this room, I want pancakes.

I like talking.

Mike is going to bring me a peach pie, I'm looking forward to that. Myra can have some.

I don't know why, but I'm just soooo happy right now. I could just hug you. Goodwill to all!"

^at this point my hubby edited my stream of consciousness rambling because apparently I suggested things that are most likely illegal in 48 states.*

mmmmmmmm bjffhhgh cgfdghhh, yeah.

I'm sorry, I just can't seem to stop talking.

I have said any number of things to you in my brain over the last minute. It was too much trouble to open my mouth...but it's open now.

*then I apparently sat up and stuck my tongue out at my hubby*

I want hot tamales (pause) LEMON BARS! The good kind.

There's no spaghetti around here. A real lack of spaghetti.

If I roll out of the wheelchair my boob will fall out of my pocket.

I really like wiener dogs.

No, I don't like wiener dogs.

Nurse says "Hey, I have a wiener dog!"

Cj to nurse, "I'm very sorry for insulting your wiener dog. Do you like them because they are long?"

Move forward to Monday when a different nurse prepared me for the scope down my throat procedure. She sedated me and strapped a thing around my face with a mouthpiece that totally reminded me of the mask Hannibal Lector wore in Silence of the Lambs. Since the sedation had yet to put me under, I was able to reach up, push the mouthpiece aside, look at the nurse and say "Clarice! Come here! I want to eat your liver with a nice Chianti."

I didn't get to add the part about the beans because the sedation finished its job and knocked me out. Which was probably a good thing.

I'm thankful my hubby decided to record all of this in writing, rather than video. The world is not yet ready for a video of me high on Demerol.


  1. It is times like these that make me thankful that my husband is technical-moron (said in the most loving way possible). He would enjoy my rantings but not be able to share.
    Thanks for spreading the joy!
    I'm glad you're on the mend

  2. I like the boob falling out of your pocket. Priceless. Myra, where's the video you took? ;-)

  3. LOL - that was hilarious! So glad you're home & doing better.

  4. There's a sad lack of spaghetti here too. I shall now remedy that!

  5. See, now, excellent fodder for a book someday :-)

  6. CJ, I had no idea you were so anti-wiener dog. Or pro-wiener dog, for that matter. :). Hope you're feeling better!

  7. If I roll out of the wheelchair my boob will fall out of my pocket.

    That was definitely my favourite.

    My paternal grandmother wasn't your average grandma. She didn't teach me to cook or garden or sew. But I distinctly remember her sitting me down when I was about ten and telling me that I should always remember whenever I had surgery or got a prescription to wean myself off the painkillers as soon as possible and put the leftovers away so that I'd always have a little stash when I needed. The woman had a medicine cabinet full of Demerol she could dip into anytime she needed. And I'll always remember the lesson.

  8. I have said any number of things to you in my brain over the last minute. It was too much trouble to open my mouth...but it's open now.

    That's how your next book starts, isn't it? It leads into the were-platypus taking on the duck mafia.

  9. And you can remember all that? I'm astonished. So glad you're feeling better.

  10. hhahaha omg. too funny CJ =) Hope you're on the upswing!

  11. Hysterical! :)

    You had quite the week! I'm glad you're back home and feeling better. Take good care of yourself - or let your hubby take good care of you!

  12. Oh my you made my day. With all the sad things about the flood it is nice to read something that makes me laugh out loud, for real. I think maybe I must have been on Demerol when I wrote the query letter that you critiqued for me. Glad you are feeling better.

  13. Glad all is well. That was hilarious. Thanks for sharing! :)

  14. hahahahahahahaha.

    I am so glad that you came through surgery allright.

    But that is so damned funny.

  15. HAHAHA! Wow, you're fun on demerol! I wish you a speedy recovery and many lemon bars. And don't forget you can take a day off. You've still got my guest post in the wings.

  16. LOL. The only thing that would have made that better is if it was a vlog.

    I'm so sorry about the surgery. Hope you feel all better soon. Sending lots of healing thoughts your way.

  17. Yup. Laughed out loud. I'm so glad you're on the mend and lucid. : )

  18. Yup. Laughed out loud. I'm so glad you're on the mend and lucid. : )

  19. Too funny! Some things just make us talk - about anything! Hope you are feeling much better soon!

  20. OMG - this was hysterical. So glad you had sympathetic husband..who wrote all this down for you.

  21. This is my favorite thing about today!! And probably every other day I come back to read this post and have a good laugh! :) I have too many favorites!

    Very happy to hear you're doing well! That's the best part! :)

  22. ROTFL! That is hilarious! I can't stop laughing. We're glad you're doing better. What a nice Hubby-at least he didn't video it and put it on you tube. haha

  23. I'm still trying to figure out which "pan" of yours was so bad you made a trip to the ER in the middle of the flood over it.

    I am sad to admit your painkiller talking and typing is still more coherent than my Ambien tweets.

  24. I'm just excited to learn the absence of a cactus causes desire for pancakes. I now carry a cactus with me everywhere and have avoided all breakfast bread products for two whole hours! Cheaper than Jenny Craig, and no annoying spokesperson.

    Really glad you're feeling better.

  25. *giggles* The fact you would quote Hannibal during a time like that is the very reason we are friends!


  26. This is a hilarious post. At least you didn't think there was a waterfall coming out of the wall as my mom did when she was on morphine. She also thought the nurses were repairing a car late at night in the hall outside her room.

  27. OMG how am I just now reading this?! HILARIOUS!! The Hannibal quote reminds me of when my stepdad was going back to have his surgery to get his heart pump... He always tried to make a joke out of every situation and our favorite movie to watch together was the Green Mile, as the nurse is wheeling him down the hallway and we are watching he looks straight at me, smiles and starts saying "walking the mile, I'm walking the mile" the nurses thought he and I were both crazy when I just busted out laughing!!!


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