Blog Under Fire!

This morning, I worked for an hour and a half putting together a post where the Were-llama interviews author Kay Cassidy. Tonight, I returned from work to find it was gone.

GONE.

Obviously, there's a blog thief in our midst who has absconded with my lovely post.

THIS WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.

I shall hunt down the perpetrator.

Or, failing that, I shall work another hour and a half to put the post together again.

Which would be just so awesome. I'd rather find the blog thief. And carve out his heart with a spoon.

Insanity, Inception, Asylum & Goats

1. I don't have very much time to devote to blogging today.

2. To make up for it, I gave you a picture of an Emo Goat.

3. You're welcome.

4. The other day, I was driving to work when I got passed by a tank of a Cadillac.

5. A GOLD Cadillac.

6. Did I say passed? I meant LAPPED. SCHOOLED. Sent home to my mama to sit in the box of shame.

7. The Caddy whipped past me (my hubby will tell you that's no small feat, but he LIES) and tailgated the car in front of me.

8. And I mean TAILGATED. With judicious application of horn honking and everything.

9. I got close enough to get a look at the driver while the Caddy languished behind an SUV showing the temerity to go 80 instead of the Caddy's preferred 120 and discovered the woman behind the wheel was pushing 80 herself.

10. Like Betty White with a death wish.

11. Sort of awesome, in a flirts with death sort of way.

12. Know what wasn't awesome?

13. The guy on the road a few weeks ago who was transporting a refrigerator on the back of his flatbed but who felt no need to TIE IT DOWN.

14. It flew off the back of the truck right in front of us and bounced on the freeway.

15. Thankfully, my hubby had already seen a small item fly off the back of the truck and had backed off far enough that we were able to avoid having a refrigerator come through our windshield.

16. Some days I really worry that drivers with common sense are a dying breed.

17. I saw Inception this weekend and loved it. It was visually stunning, the plot was interesting and different, and the ending ... well, it was both awesome and NOT ... but awesome. Yeah.

18. Also, I had a plot convo with my hubby (where I throw out my ideas and he punches holes in them with questions and I keep talking until WHAMO I get clarity or WHAMO I get frustrated with his questions and he fears for his life).

19. I talked through the Asylum series (the YA I'm currently writing) and I now know the major plot arc and twists for the entire series. Yay! I'm super excited to write this!

20. Also, my hubby and I are doing a workout series called Insanity in which we obey the sadistic instructions of the most evil workout master ever to hit the DVD circuit. We despise him. Loathe him. Hate him with every screaming muscle in our bodies.

21. It's also sort of awesome.

22. And that's all I have for you today. I know, I know ... not my best Monday list.

23. But I DID give you the Emo Goat.

24. That has to cover a multitude of failings.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

I interrupt what I'm sure is a fascinating midweek evening for you with the following important tidbits of news:

1. I was recently informed by a co-worker that she found me an incredibly intimidating person for over a year. This is news because unless you mess with my family or hurt my friends, I might be one of the easiest girls in the world to approach. I was baffled by her response to me until I realized the obvious: she has an internal ninja radar. It's the only possible answer. Somehow she looked past my fantastically graceless, laughs inappropriately ALL THE TIME red-headed exterior and saw my silent inner harbinger of death.

2. I only have three openings left in August's Plotting Workshop so if you're interested in learning story structure, pacing, tools (for both Pantsers and Plotters...I don't believe anyone writes the same way and don't seek to change your preferred approach), and a personal 1 hour brainstorming session with me, please register before the spots are gone.

3. This post just completely disappeared. In fact, the entire internet disappeared. It was like my modem decided "Hey! You know what would be super fun? Let's shut down for, say, twenty seconds. Just long enough to give her heart failure and plenty of incentive to cast aspersions upon her laptop's mama. And then let's make her doubt that Blogger saved this draft and make her think she has to start all over again. And then you know what we'll do while she's pulling up the draft? We'll DO THE WHOLE THING ALL OVER AGAIN."

4. Curse you, tiny modem. Curse you.

5. News! The most important news of all is this: After five long years of waiting, we've been informed by our adoption agency that we're really close to receiving our child referral from China. Yay!! We should be traveling in either October or November, all depending on China's schedule and when we get her picture and permission to travel.

As incredibly awesome as this news is (and I've been distracted by it for over a week now), we have a problem. Because the process with China stretched from the 6-8 months we'd initially anticipated into YEARS, we've had to re-do everything from our homestudy to our petition for orphan naturalization to our fingerprints. Four times. Sheesh. Meanwhile, China raised the orphanage fee by thousands. Long story short, we find ourselves 8k short of being able to ransom her life and take her home.

I'm not scared of that number. I could fill up this page with all the incredible ways God brought money for this little girl at exactly the moment we needed it. I know she's supposed to come home and nothing is going to stop that. Nothing has shown me how incredibly generous the heart of humanity can be like this adoption journey.

I'm planning a huge online fundraiser for Monday, August 23rd. It's called Skip A Starbucks Day with the idea that if enough people skip a personal indulgence that day and donate something instead, we can bring home little Johanna Faith.

And guess what? I'm not alone in this fundraiser. I have bloggers, authors, and agents ready to jump into the fray with me. And there will be PRIZES. Many bloggers are offering awesome prizes for those who donate--prizes like signed books and entire trilogies. (The amount donated won't matter. Every penny is precious to us.). And everyone who donates will be entered into the grand giveaway on my blog. Here are some prizes you might win:

*Handmade jewelry

*The entire Twilight Saga

*Signed copies of Kris Kennedy's medieval historicals

*A gift basket of handmade soaps

*The Harry Potter boxed set(!!!)

More donations are coming in so this list will grow! :) Make sure to save the date of Monday, August 23rd so you can skip Starbucks and make a lifelong difference to a little girl in a Chinese orphanage.

6. Also, I need to prove to my friend Mandy that yes, indeed, I did once blog about underwear. More proof that I should probably never be interviewed on national television under any circumstances.

Stilettos Vs Flip Flops

This summer, I decided to try something new. I bought flip flops. Now, I've owned flip flops before. One pair. To use only when I went to the neighborhood pool. But owning several pair of flip flops to use for things like being seen in public? Never.

But friends loved their flip flops. Everyone was wearing them. They were less effort than my heels, so I thought I'd give them a try.

Disastrous.

Mostly because the rubber piece in between my big toe and second toe literally wore a HOLE into my foot that was deep enough to force me to bandage it for days.

Awesome.

I can't ever remember a time my stilettos put me in danger of losing a toe.

So, after my summer Flip Flop Experiment, I've compiled a completely scientific and thoroughly unbiased list of my results.

TOP TEN REASONS STILETTOS ARE BETTER THAN FLIP FLOPS

1. Flip flops sound like a fly swatter slapping a brick wall as you walk. Sexy!! Stilettos make a tiny little pop against the floor--a measured cadence that says both "Sexy" and "You're dealing with someone who means business so better bring your A game."

2. Flip flops are nothing but a sheet of rubber with very little traction on the bottom. All you need to perform an impromptu slip 'n slide routine for the public at large is a clean grocery store floor.

3. Say what you will about stilettos being ankle-breakers, at least they don't have a loose flap of rubber at BOTH ENDS just waiting to catch on the stairs or fold over on itself while you're walking.

4. Super heroes never wear flip flops. And not just because of the safety issues. Try looking intimidating in a cape, lycra bodysuit, and a pair of pink flowery flip flops.

5. Flip flops do nothing for your calves.

6. Nothing says I'm a GIRL and I can kick your butt like a pair of awesome stilettos.

7. Someone pointed out to me that flip flops could double as protective gear by serving to protect you from toe fungus in a public shower. Allow me to point out that with one well-aimed kick, stilettos double as weapons. Also, allow me to point out that if you're given to bathing in public showers, flip flops are the least of your worries.

8. If Marilyn Monroe had done her famous little walk across the cobblestone streets in Niagra wearing flip flops, no one would still be pointing to that piece of film as an example of the quintessential blonde bombshell.

9. While stilettos look great with capris and a halter top, flip flops do nothing for a pencil skirt and silk blouse.

10. Even the names tell the truth. You can either wear footwear that sounds like a dangerous, sexy little weapon or you can wear something that sounds like a piece of stage direction from The Three Stooges.

Now, I'm off to toss my flip flops into the far corner of my closet where they can dream of eating away at my second toe while slapping against the pavement, searching for a tiny crack to catch in so they can face plant me in front of an audience.

Starshine, Mafia, & Plan B

1. I'm posting my weekly list a bit early.

2. Because I can never tell when I might be kidnapped by wereplatypi again and held for lemon bar ransom.

3. Last week, while driving through southern Nashville, I spotted a beauty parlor with the following auspicious moniker: Hair Mafia.

4. Where taking a little off the top takes on a whole new meaning and nobody wants Joey's Pedicure Special.

5. I might have to go there once just to say I did.

6. Starshine has decided what he wants to be for Halloween this year.

7. He would like to dress up as Fiber.

8. No, that isn't a typo.

9. Fiber.

10. And he wants to wear a cape, a Darth Vader belt, and pack some heat.

11. Fiber, whether you like it or not.

12. May the Force go through you.

13. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

14. Every day I drive to work, I pass a house whose inhabitants might just be brilliant.

15. I say this because they run a business out of their home. The sign beside their driveway reads "Top Soil and Manure For Sale."

16. They seem to be doing well for themselves.

17. Selling dirt from their adjoining field (I've seen them dig up the piles) and poop from their cows.

18. They're making a living on two items that are virtually free to them.

19. Brilliant.

20. Following that business model, I could, perhaps, go into business selling crazysauce and dust bunnies, both of which I have in abundance around here.

21. Not sure there's a market for those, however.

22. Plan B is to set up cameras throughout my home and send the footage to Hollywood for guaranteed sitcom gold.

23. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wrestle Fiber Vader into bed.

Business In The Front

1. Last week at work I met Miley Cyrus.

2. No, really.

3. I know. It was the highlight of my life, believe me.

4. She came in to the restaurant with her boyfriend for dinner.

5. Girl is way too skinny.

6. And yes, I pretended I didn't recognize her. I hate the whole fawning-all-over-celebrity thing.

7. But honestly, she didn't act like she wanted to be recognized. Very low key. Unlike some celebrities who come into the restaurant.

8. Like ... Nick of the Backstreet Boys.

9. I never listened to the Backstreet Boys, so when Nick came in I didn't recognize him.

10. In fact, most of the patrons didn't recognize him either.

11. Because this is Nashville. We have HUGE celebrities coming in to eat all the time. Like George Jones. Naomi Judd. Even, on occasion, Jordin Sparks.

12. And because when's the last time anyone saw or heard from the Backstreet Boys?

13. Anyway, one of the girls I work with pointed him out to me and assured me it was Nick Carter.

14. I ranked this piece of information right up there with stuff like "Walmart sells camouflage nightgowns" or "Paris Hilton uses marijuana."

15. Apparently, most of the patrons felt the same way I did because no one came to his table to ask for an autograph. No one snapped pics of him with a cell phone. In fact, no one really looked at him at all.

16. It soon became obvious Nick found this lukewarm reception unacceptable.

17. Why do I say that?

18. Because right in the middle of the dining room, over a plate of country cooking, in total disregard of the fact that his dining companions were right in the middle of a conversation, he started singing.

19. Singing.

20. At full volume.

21. Little snatches of lines that I assume were culled from a Backstreet Boy hit or two.

22. After singing a bit, he'd stop, look around, allow his friends to start talking again, and then, when it became obvious no one was going to ooh and aah, he'd start up again.

23. Whether the other patrons finally recognized him, I don't know. I do know he was getting plenty of dirty looks from people who wanted to eat their dinners without the unwelcome accompaniment of has-been boy band members who can't stand not to have fans following them around anymore.

24. And now, just when you think I've exhausted all of my meaningless celebrity stories, I bring you one last thing.

25. Probably the most interesting thing you'll hear from me all week.

26. As I drive in to work every day, I pass a house with buffalo in the front yard.

27. Real buffalo.

28. They don't actually do much.

29. In fact, usually they're too far up the hill to really see more than shaggy fur covering a hump.

30. Last week, however, one of the beasts had wandered down the hill and was staring at the cars as they drove by.

31. I locked eyes with him and realized one truly astounding thing.

32. The buffalo had a mullet.

33. With blond streaks.

34. Actually, more like orange-ish streaks.

35. But yes, I promise you, the buffalo was all highlighted business in the front and party in the back.

36. And I had the thought, as I drove on by, that he strongly reminded me of Billy Ray Cyrus.

37. The early years.

38. I considered using that as a conversational opener with Miley, but decided the phrase "I saw a buffalo that looked just like your daddy" might be easily misinterpreted.

Phoenix Charm Winner!

As always, I used random.org to help me pick this week's giveaway winner. And the winner of a signed copy of Helen Taylor Scott's THE PHOENIX CHARM is wantonactsofwriting!

Thanks for reading. :)