Transcript of a conversation I had with a Sweet Old Lady today at work. For this to make sense, you need to know when I get tired, my voice gets hoarse at odd moments. Sort of like a teenage boy going through the Change but without the squeaks. Today, I was tired:
Me: *sets plate of food in front of SOL* Here's your chicken pot pie. Do you need anything else right now?
Sweet Old Lady: Oh, thank you. Actually, I want to ask you a question.
Me: Sure.
Sweet Old Lady: How many times do you get mistaken for a man?
Me: *blinks for a second in silence* Um ... I don't understand.
Not So Sweet Old Lady: A man, dear. Someone of the masculine persuasion.
Me: I know what a man is.
Crossing A Line Old Lady: So? How many times?
Me: Never. *wants to ask how many times old lady gets mistaken for a jackass but really good insults are wasted on the mostly deaf*
Dancing A Jig On My Last Nerve Old Lady: Never? Oh, I can't believe that.
Me: *speaks through gritted teeth* Really? Why is that? I look like a man to you?
About To Meet Her Maker Old Lady: Of course not, dear. A man has much stronger shoulders.
Me: How comforting.
As Good As Dead Old Lady: But, you have a very masculine name, dear. I'm sure people mistake you for a man all the time.
Me: *tries to understand the logic* So ... you think C.J. is masculine?
Devil's Handmaiden Old Lady: Well, dear. If you want to be feminine, you must not use initials.
Me: So the fact that I don't LOOK like a man or SOUND like a man wouldn't clear up the confusion?
The Witch: Oh, well, dear. I wouldn't say you don't sound like a man.
Me: You caught me. I'm C.J. Monday-Thursday but on the weekends I'm known simply as Fred.
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LOL. You have the strangest things happen to you. I bet you never run out of fodder for your books.
ReplyDeleteWow. I have to say that I would probably have laughed hysterically right there in front of her. And peope think I'M wierd because I've got tattoos and a Zombie baby doll...
ReplyDeleteLMAO
ReplyDeleteSee, and that is why I don't drink coffee while reading your posts anymore.
Dear Mr Redwine....errrrr... CJ....
ReplyDeleteOK, I'm 6 feet tall and have been called sir until I turn around and they see the 36Ds...but never have I had someone say that to my face! Surely, you should have inquired how many times she has been mistaken for a wombat.
I admire the fact that the SOL was not wearing the pot pie when she left the restaurant.
Hilarious!! Why don't I ever get these interesting "guests?" Katie just recently wrote a blog about one of her crazy Cracker Barrel experiences, too. Here is the link, if you haven't read it:
ReplyDeletehttp://kat.eleven33.com/?p=791
Toting textbooks around for Office Aide is better than your job.
ReplyDeleteHa.
O_o
ReplyDeleteShannon - MUCH of my life finds its way into my books. Can't help it. Too much comedic material.
ReplyDeleteA. Grey - I kind of want a Zombie baby doll...
ND - lol. Henceforth, I shall be known only as Fred the Fabulous.
Anon - Your wombat comment cracked me up!
Amy - I think you're too nice of a person to attract the kind of rampant weirdness that seems to cling to me like a second skin.
AngDot - True. Sad, but true.
You should have given her a hearing exam.
ReplyDeleteAnd by hearing exam I mean boxing her ears ... with a raw chicken.
"No, ma'am. Since the operation, it rarely happens anymore. Good eye!"
ReplyDeleteBut .... she didn't spit food in your mouth? SO ... that's good, right?
ReplyDeleteRight?