Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Beg Your Pardon?

Transcript of a conversation I had with a Sweet Old Lady today at work. For this to make sense, you need to know when I get tired, my voice gets hoarse at odd moments. Sort of like a teenage boy going through the Change but without the squeaks. Today, I was tired:

Me: *sets plate of food in front of SOL* Here's your chicken pot pie. Do you need anything else right now?

Sweet Old Lady: Oh, thank you. Actually, I want to ask you a question.

Me: Sure.

Sweet Old Lady: How many times do you get mistaken for a man?

Me: *blinks for a second in silence* Um ... I don't understand.

Not So Sweet Old Lady: A man, dear. Someone of the masculine persuasion.

Me: I know what a man is.

Crossing A Line Old Lady: So? How many times?

Me: Never. *wants to ask how many times old lady gets mistaken for a jackass but really good insults are wasted on the mostly deaf*

Dancing A Jig On My Last Nerve Old Lady: Never? Oh, I can't believe that.

Me: *speaks through gritted teeth* Really? Why is that? I look like a man to you?

About To Meet Her Maker Old Lady: Of course not, dear. A man has much stronger shoulders.

Me: How comforting.

As Good As Dead Old Lady: But, you have a very masculine name, dear. I'm sure people mistake you for a man all the time.

Me: *tries to understand the logic* So ... you think C.J. is masculine?

Devil's Handmaiden Old Lady: Well, dear. If you want to be feminine, you must not use initials.

Me: So the fact that I don't LOOK like a man or SOUND like a man wouldn't clear up the confusion?

The Witch: Oh, well, dear. I wouldn't say you don't sound like a man.

Me: You caught me. I'm C.J. Monday-Thursday but on the weekends I'm known simply as Fred.

11 comments:

  1. LOL. You have the strangest things happen to you. I bet you never run out of fodder for your books.

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  2. Wow. I have to say that I would probably have laughed hysterically right there in front of her. And peope think I'M wierd because I've got tattoos and a Zombie baby doll...

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  3. LMAO

    See, and that is why I don't drink coffee while reading your posts anymore.

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  4. Dear Mr Redwine....errrrr... CJ....

    OK, I'm 6 feet tall and have been called sir until I turn around and they see the 36Ds...but never have I had someone say that to my face! Surely, you should have inquired how many times she has been mistaken for a wombat.

    I admire the fact that the SOL was not wearing the pot pie when she left the restaurant.

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  5. Hilarious!! Why don't I ever get these interesting "guests?" Katie just recently wrote a blog about one of her crazy Cracker Barrel experiences, too. Here is the link, if you haven't read it:
    http://kat.eleven33.com/?p=791

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  6. Toting textbooks around for Office Aide is better than your job.

    Ha.

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  7. Shannon - MUCH of my life finds its way into my books. Can't help it. Too much comedic material.

    A. Grey - I kind of want a Zombie baby doll...

    ND - lol. Henceforth, I shall be known only as Fred the Fabulous.

    Anon - Your wombat comment cracked me up!

    Amy - I think you're too nice of a person to attract the kind of rampant weirdness that seems to cling to me like a second skin.

    AngDot - True. Sad, but true.

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  8. You should have given her a hearing exam.

    And by hearing exam I mean boxing her ears ... with a raw chicken.

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  9. "No, ma'am. Since the operation, it rarely happens anymore. Good eye!"

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  10. But .... she didn't spit food in your mouth? SO ... that's good, right?

    Right?

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