Monday, January 3, 2011

How To Tell If Your Cat Is Planning To Kill You

Behavior: She meets you at the door when you return home.

Meaning: You might have brought home witnesses. Reinforcements. A dog. She needs to know if her dastardly plan must be altered to achieve her desired results.

Behavior: She winds around your ankles as you walk.

Meaning: Um, hello? Face-plant, anyone? If she times it just right, you'll bounce your face off the counter top, ricochet off the table, and execute a perfect 10 of a landing through the sliding glass door and the entire thing will look like an accident.

Behavior: She climbs on top of you and begins to knead your stomach.

Meaning: She could be checking for weakness in your internal organs. Or maybe she just likes her meat nice and tender.

Behavior: She stares at you with unblinking malice.

Meaning: Do I really need to spell it out for you? She's staring at you with unblinking malice. Your days are numbered.

Behavior: She stares at you with unblinking malice and then suddenly looks behind you like there's an axe murderer about to bury his blade into the back of your skull.

Meaning: It's a trick! Don't fall for this! The second you turn your head to see if an axe murderer really is lurking behind you, the REAL threat to your safety will pounce.

Behavior: She digs in her litter box for minutes on end.

Meaning: How else will she be able to bury your remains? Practice makes perfect, you know.

If your feline is exhibiting any of these signs, your best bet is to keep her well fed, contort your body into unbelievably uncomfortable sleeping positions at night so as not to disturb her chosen resting place, and for the love of tuna, DO NOT CHECK BEHIND YOU FOR AN AXE MURDERER. You don't want to be remembered as the foolish person they had to dig out of a litter box and identify by dental records.


  1. Eep. I feel I'm in danger...are 5 cats all exhibiting that same behavior any reason to panic?

  2. You skipped one:

    Species: It's a cat.

    Meaning: It's evil.

  3. Colene - Pffft. It's only fun if five cats are trying to kill you at the same time. :D

    I've been dealing with this for years. The best way to keep them in line is mock them regularly. Threaten to get a dog. (note this only works if they've never seen one and figured out how stupid they truly are) And catnip. Lots and lots of catnip.


  4. I think my boys have adapted to human knowledge of the insidious plots of cats and are trying different tactics. I have yet to discern a pattern, but I know one's there.

  5. Hahahah! Ahem. I mean, boy I'm glad I don't have a cat. O.o

  6. Hmmm, lol....maybe I do not miss having a catty in the house?


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