What's For Breakfast?

This vintage video is one of my all time favorite comedy classics. Dad is great! He gives us chocolate cake!

Truth Has Consequences

If you're a writer, you need to read this post by Lilith Saintcrow. That is all. Just go read it. You won't regret it.

Top Ten Reasons Hershey's Puts A "Consume In Moderation" Warning On Their Dark Chocolate

1. Death By Chocolate isn't just a fancy dessert.

2. Somebody, somewhere, sued when it was found that their copious consumption of dark chocolate was directly responsible for their fifty pound weight gain.

3. The high concentration of anti-oxidants in dark chocolate reverse the signs of aging--eat too much and you're Benjamin Button.

4. Joan Rivers eats three bars a day. (See #3 for her reason.)

5. Causes giddy euphoria directly linked to the mystifying popularity of Britney Spears, reality television starring C list has-beens, and pants with phrases embroidered across the buttocks.

6. It's a confirmed fact that substituting dark chocolate M&M's for regular M&M's during writer's sessions gave us such cinematic gems as Gigli and Glitter.

7. Reverse Psychology: Tell a woman she can't consume an entire chocolate bar in one sitting and see how long it takes her to defy you.

8. Research held in long-buried files located somewhere in Area 51 prove that excessive eating of dark chocolate transforms the consumer into a human-alien hybrid. (see #4)

9. NASA recently discovered a link between Superman's powers and an unusually high daily intake of dark chocolate.

10. Three words: Accelerate colon cleansing

And that's your Friday Top Ten list for the day, folks. Go forth and consume dark chocolate!

It All Started With A Shoe

I'd love to own a pair of these shoes. That's probably an understatement. I'd take out any prospective shoe buyer standing between me and this pair of shoes using nothing but the bits and pieces of whatever flotsam lurks at the bottom of my handbag--pennies, used popsicle sticks (yes, my children view me as a walking trash receptacle), and dental floss. So, it will not surprise you that when I saw this pic, I snatched it up, drooled over it a bit, and then realize my covetous thoughts were turning in an entirely unexpected direction.

What if these shoes belonged to an elf queen?

What if they were magic shoes?

What if wearing these shoes would give a mortal the power to rule all Magical beings--at least until someone pried them off her feet?

And that, for me, is how a story is born. An image, a line from a song, a stray thought and my imagination is off and running. Which is why I think for writers (or artists of any kind) surrounding oneself with things that inspire us is important.

Collect pictures that spark your imagination. Open a file of quotes, poems, and phrases that captivate your mind. Keep everything that speaks to you because one day, a picture of a shoe could be the start of a best-selling series.

Now, off to discover where to buy these shoes...

Get Me Started #5

From Sarah's first sentence.

"I coveted the red shoes," I half-whispered to the I-Bench-Press-Semi-Trucks-In-My-Spare-Time goon guarding the Presidio's entrance.

He stared at me in silence, beady little eyes showing more malice than intellect.

I was going to kill Freddy if I had the wrong password. Again. There're only so many times a girl can expect to escape death. Even a girl like me.

"Are you going to let me in or what?" I took an aggressive step forward--offense being the best defense--and wrinkled my nose as the unmistakable burnt rubber stench of Krygon hit my nose. Just what I needed. A confrontation with a muscle-bound junkie mainlining magic he had no way to control.

"That's not the password," he said, scowling at me.

Stupid, stupid Freddy. Stupid, dead Freddy.

Of course, to kill Freddy I had to survive this little fiasco first. Nothing like a little motivation.

"Yes, it is." I fisted my hands against my hips--all the better to reach my weapons should this turn ugly.

He shook his head.

I rolled my eyes. "What happened? Suck down too much Krygon to even remember a simple little phrase?" I leaned closer, breathing through my mouth to avoid gagging. "What do you think Lothorian would do to you if he knew you were sampling the product?"

His scowl morphed into a murderous glare. Not really the direction I was hoping the conversation would go.

"Fortunately, you're in luck, my friend." I slapped my left hand against his chest while my right slid my chain out of its holster. "I'm in a generous mood. I won't tell Lothorian about your ... activities if you just let me in."

He snatched my left hand, closing a giant paw around my wrist and twisting like he was wringing out a wet towel. I let him spin me, and when I came full circle my chain--fifteen pounds of silver-coated steel--flew toward him with a vengeance.

I planted my right foot, leaned forward on the ball of my left, and whipped the chain around his neck. Twice.

Silver bit into his skin, burning against the illicit magic coursing through his blood, and sinking toward bone.

He screamed, releasing my wrist to claw at his neck as I threw my weight backward, hauling against the chain with every ounce of my five foot three frame. He had me by twelve inches and at least two hundred pounds. Turns out size isn't everything. Attitude and really cool weapons go a long way toward evening the playing field.

When his eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled to the ground in a dead faint, I slid my chain free. Tucking it into its holster, I stepped over him and into the teeming darkness of Presidio wondering how high the body count would rise tonight and how soon I could return home to add Freddy to the list.

How To Write A Scintillating Blog Post

In five minutes or less:

1. Open blog page and hit "sign in" button.

2. Curse for the fifty-thousandth time as blogger opens but refuses, despite repeated requests, to remember your log-in information.

3. Type in log-in information.

4. Check the box marked "remember log-in information" for the fifty-first-thousandth time--proving that either hope springs or idiocy abounds.

5. Hit "create post" button.

6. Stare at empty page.

7. Glance at clock and realize time is of the essence--five minutes to go before you must leave for work.

8. Wonder what you can blog about that will be both interesting and non-time-consuming.

9. Flying monkeys.

10. Indian soda made from cow's urine.

11. The extreme likelihood that Joan Rivers is a Zombie and no one yet realizes it.

12. Discard each idea as either too time-consuming (really the cow's urine soda deserves much thoughtful pontification), too hackneyed (who really cares about flying monkeys?), or too obvious. (Joan Rivers is a Zombie, folks. Accept and move on.)

13. Check picture file to see if anything interesting sparks your imagination.

14. Check time.

15. Three minutes left.

16. Check Twitter in case anyone has said anything remotely interesting, controversial, or inspiring.

17. Decide that a war of irritating song lyrics, while good clean fun on Twitter, might fall flat on your blog.

18. 867-5309

19. And IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu.

20. Hey, Makarena!

21. One minute left.

22. Realize that blogging excellence might be found in your latest string of key word searches.

23. Click on stats button and pray for gold.

24. Find searches containing the words "dog flings poop" and "goat farmer" instead.

25. Admit that the goal of offering lofty, high-brow entertainment has now been achieved.

26. Recognize that as such, today's post can hardly top such excellence.

27. Decide to leave well enough alone.

28. Find one more keyword search with which to inspire your readers on a Tuesday morning.

20. Monkey flings popsicle goat.

21. And really, I think that says it all.

Chocolate-Covered Gummies & Imaginary Friends

1. I've decided to start a new tradition on this blog.

2. Top Ten lists every Friday.

3. Or most Fridays.

4. Depending on whether anyone else in the literary world (Oh, fine...the world at large) needs to be put back in their place.

5. I had a hilarious Top Ten planned for last Friday (Did you know Hershey's puts a warning label on some of their products?!) but was sidetracked by Miss Everyone-Who-Writes-Outside-My-Genre-Is-A-Hack.

6. Stay tuned for this week's shenanigans.

7. My sister has made my boys' decade by buying them each a DS Lite.

8. Now I only have to answer the "When is the package going to arrive?!" question fifty times a day.

9. Small sacrifice to make for having someone else anti up to bring joy to their little hearts.

10. Tinks has an imaginary friend.

11. It's both funny and slightly scary.

12. She's adopted a tiger Webkinz (Can she see the colors and know it looks somewhat like Carly?) and carries it around in her mouth by the back of it's neck, gives it a bath, sleeps with it, and wrestles it into submission whenever her devious kitty brain tells her the tiger has displayed the unmitigated gall to resist her ministrations.

13. I'm calling the rescue shelter today to see if there's another kitten who will meet our specifications (female, short-hair, friendly, not afraid of dogs or loud boys) before Tinks has a complete mental breakdown.

14. As usual, my Monday To Do list is worse than any other day of the week.

15. This is because it's the only day I have where I don't have to go to my day job and the kids are in school, giving me precious blocks of uninterrupted time.

16. I saw a package of chocolate-covered gummy bears in Walgreens last week.

17. Seriously, candy-making-folks, this is sooo not a good idea.

18. Only totally desperate chocolate addicts (Hi Mom!) and small children who are so insanely grateful to have candy--any candy!--in their clutches will eat this travesty.

19. The rest of us, if we gather the courage to try it at all, will gag and spit it out.

20. Reader Question: What's an interesting question for an upcoming poll on this blog?