Top Ten Reasons Why I Make An Excellent Roommate

In about two hours, I'm leaving for a writer's retreat with my local RWA chapter. I have finagled my way into a room with three others by pointing out the following (completely true) reasons why I make an excellent roommate:

1. I am not a sparkly vampire. No worrying about becoming my midnight snack! No pesky glittery skin blinding your eyes when you pull back the drapes in the morning! No emo hairstyles!

2. I bring snacks. The good kind. Like Red Vines, cookies, and Chex Mix. And I SHARE.

3. I will always do something more embarrassing than you. Probably while you have your camera handy.

4. I know how to hide a body. This kind of specialized skill cannot be undervalued. You never realize how much you need it until some pretentious idiot steals your chocolate and implies you write like a hack.

5. I never steal chocolate. I don't really even like chocolate. I eat some now and then to seem polite, but honestly? It's all yours.

6. I am fabulous at self-defense. The fact that I'm more fabulous at accidental injury is neither here nor there. Besides, that only allows me plenty of opportunity to practice my awesomesauce self-defense skillz.

7. I can impersonate others. Not you, of course. Never you. But others. I'm like your very own party game, and you only have to toss me a lemon bar now and then to keep me happy.

8. I get ready fast in the morning. And I don't walk around naked. I don't really think I need to list the advantages of THAT.

9. I'm a writer. I have an over-developed imagination. If you suddenly start talking about flying pink unicorns and hot boys with swords whose tips have been dipped in the fountain of youth, I won't offer you Prozac. I'll play the What If game until a plot develops.

10. I won't feed you to zombies. I personally have nothing against zombies, but as a matter of respect for your roommate status, should a horde of brain-eating decaying shufflers descend upon us, I will throw the occupants of the other rooms to them as an appetizer while we make our getaway.

Bonus!

11. I earned my driving chops on the freeways of Los Angeles. Should the situation arise where we need to make a fast getaway, just call me Danica Patrick and get in the car.

Interview With Jill Myles

I first met Jill Myles after signing with Holly. Jill was one of the first of Holly's existing clients to welcome me to the team via Twitter. I enjoyed Jill's easygoing friendliness and sense of humor, and when the first book in her series hit the shelves, I snatched it up. Jill's books have two traits I absolutely adore--humor and edgy plot. Also? You might need a fan while reading. Trust me.

When Jill agreed to come on the blog and introduce her series to my readers, I was thrilled! MY FAIR SUCCUBI is the third in her series. Here's a peek at the series itself:

Jackie was an ordinary museum docent until a mysterious vampire and a fallen angel made her into a succubus. Now a sexy immortal, she’s caught between an age-old war between angels, demons, and the immortals exiled to earth. When everyone else is choosing sides, which will she pick? The good guy or the bad boy? Maybe she wants both…

Want to try this series for yourself? You could win a signed copy of book one! More on that later. First, let me introduce today's guests.

Were-llama

Jill Myles

Now that you know who's who, let's reveal the beautiful cupcake my hubby made in honor of Jill's series and get to the interview. Since the series follows, among others, a fallen angel, my hubby made an angelic cupcake (Which he feels is a very nice break from all the zombie parts he's had to make lately). Without further ado, I give you the cupcake and the interview!

1. So, you’re a writer. I’m a super-scary shape-shifter who can command obedience with the awesome power of my glowing red eyes. What do we have in common?


Red eyes! But mine are from peering at the computer for too long, and the fact that I’m trying to wean myself down to one cup of coffee a day.

2. Plus, I highly doubt yours command instant obedience like mine. Watch me! Only drink one cup of coffee a day! See? You're welcome. I like to spit at my enemies from whichever end is closest to them. Do any of your characters have cool abilities like that?

Most of my characters have cool abilities, but I think you are alone in the powers of projectile expectoration. Jackie (my succubus) can put people to sleep with a touch, though, and pick through their dreams. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

3. Only if their dreams contain sexy were-llamas. Or cookies. If I had a nickname, it would be The Awesome. You?

Indecision Girl. Actually, my friends used to joke around and say this would be my superhero name. I’m a fairly cautious person and I am not big on taking chances, so I waffle. And waffle. And try to get all sides of a story before I move forward. I was one of those people that would do the Choose Your Own Adventure, but I would read both possible scenarios before deciding which one to follow – I didn’t want to make the wrong decision!

4. No need to fear any wrong decisions! Simply looking into my eyes and OBEY. I hang around this blog because I love stories. What’s your story about? Bonus points if it includes a llama.

Alas, not a lot of llama running around in my stories. I love love stories too, though! My Succubus Diaries are kind of a wacky adventure wrapped up in a love story. It’s about a normal girl that gets turned into a succubus and finds herself immersed in a world she never even knew about – a world full of sexy, controlling angels and devilish vampires. And she finds that she’s torn between two men in particular.

5. First, I didn't say I love love stories. I said I love stories. What kind of super scary shape-shifter would I be if I got all mushy over love stories? Second, there's no need to be torn between two men. Either spit at them both, or make them your minions. Problem solved. You’re making me a cake worthy of my awesome Were-llama status and decorating it to represent your story. What does it look like?

I think it must have boobs on it. Somewhere. And wings. Wings and boobs. You’re welcome. ;)

6. You have just moved up the scale on my Awesome-meter. Also? I'm not sharing this cake. Thankfully, as I can spit at enemies from either end, I can simultaneously eat this glorious offering and guard it as well. Any Were-llamas in your book?

Not yet, but never say never.

7. That's exactly what that Bieber kid said minutes before I turned him into a were-llama. Anyone in your stories who might be a Were-llama and you just haven’t figured it out yet?

Maybe in my fall book? It’s going to be called BEAUTY DATES THE BEAST, and it just MIGHT involve ‘weres. There’s bound to be a were-llama somewhere, right?

8. For your sake, I certainly hope so. *glares with AWESOME RED EYES* Llamas or camels and why? Think carefully.

Camels, because of the hump factor. Get it, hump? (I am so twelve.)

9. You are so dead. *prepares spit* I give you a baby Were-llama as a companion.(Though after your previous grievous insult, I'm not sure I want to.) What do you name her?

CJ?

10. Hm...she does expectorate liquids with style, though regrettably she's yet to master the highly effective Shoot Them From The Basement skill that serves us were-llamas so well. My favorite word is “awesome” because, yanno, look at me. What’s yours?

Douche. It’s just kind of a catch-all, affectionate sort of insult. Pair it up with a –bag and you have my next-favorite word.

11. My next favorite word is OBEY. As a young Were-llama, I dreamt of taking over the eastern seaboard one face full of spit at a time. What did you dream of doing when you were young?

I wanted to be Indiana Jones aka an archaeologist. That never changed until senior year in high school when my art teacher (may we curse his name) had ‘career day’ and pointed out the realities of the payscales of the jobs we were pursuing. I had no idea that your average archaeologist made roughly less than the dudes at Burger King.

12. Plus at Burger King, you get a crown. Cake or cookies?

Cake, because then there’s a chance of ice cream, and ice cream is my One True Weakness.

13. My One True Weakness is a mirror because, yanno, look at me. Do you share chocolate?

Of course! That way, there is no shame of eating that many calories alone. If it’s shared, then I am not the only weak one.

14. It takes more strength to snatch chocolate from someone's unwilling hands than to share what is already yours. That's my philosophy at least. The Zombie Goat invasion is upon us. How will you fight them off?

I play a lot of Left 4 Dead on the X-Box, so I like to think that my skills of fighting off zombies with frying pans and baseball bats have been honed to a razor edge.

You humans. Honestly, it's so much easier just to gather up some bodily fluids, take aim, and let fly.


Thank you, Jill, for such an entertaining interview! See? I told you she was funny! To find out more about Jill and how to buy her books, head to her website.

Of course the fun isn't over yet! Jill is giving away a signed copy of book one, GENTLEMEN PREFER SUCCUBI, to one lucky commenter! Giveaway is for U.S. only. Here's how to enter:

1. Earn entries:


*Comment on this post = 1 entry

*Be a follower of this blog = 2 entries

*Tweet the link to this interview = 3 entries (Use @cjredwine or leave url to tweet in your comment so I can see it.)

*Post the contest on your blog or facebook= 3 entries (Include link in your comment.)


2. Tally it up:
Please tally up your entries and leave the total in your comment.


3. Check back:

The contest is open until 8 p.m. (central time) Sunday, March 6th. Please check back to see if you've won and to claim your prize!

Good luck to all, and happy reading!

I've Tased It One Too Many Times

1. I must confess that nothing in the following post will have anything to do with the picture I used.

2. I just couldn't resist the awesomeness.

3. I'll start today's list with a comment on the strange philosophy boys have toward personal hygiene and clothing.

4. My teenager is exempt from the following commentary because he's recently been awakened to the fact that GIRLS like cleanliness and clothing that hasn't been worn for a month.

5. My other two boys could care less.

6. I force them to shower, I insist they use soap, and I check their teeth daily because if I don't, I fear the CDC will show up at my home and quarantine us all.

7. I also watch their clothing for signs they've worn it too many days in a row. They act like it's the end of the world when I hand them a fresh pair of jeans and insist the pair they're wearing deserves a decent burial in our back yard, but they change their pants.

8. I've recently realized, however, that I need x-ray vision to assess the full scope of the problem.

9. Because it turns out they change their pants far more often than they change their underpants.

10. How is this possible, you ask, if I make them shower on a regular basis?

11. Yesterday, I made Starshine take a shower. He took off his clothes, bathed, used soap, got out of the shower, and then proceeded to PUT ON THE SAME PAIR OF UNDERWEAR HE JUST TOOK OFF.

12. When I informed him he needed a fresh pair of underwear, he looked mystified and said, "But these are clean. I just put them on three days ago."

13. ..........

14. Which explains why I have to approach my laundry pile armed with mace and a taser.

15. However, what confuses me the most is the fact that if left to their own devices, my children wouldn't wear clothing at all.

16. The other morning, Starshine came downstairs for breakfast sans clothing. When I insisted he get some clothes on before he could have his oatmeal, he put on his father's coat and sat at the dining room table.

17. I asked him if he was naked beneath the coat. He said no. He had skin on.

18. I caved and served him his oatmeal.

19. And last night, Daredevil got out of his mom-enforced shower and sauntered out of the bathroom (the one attached to my bedroom) buck naked. No towel. No old underwear. Nothing.

20. He saw me sitting on the bed and exclaimed, "Don't look!"

21. To which I replied, "Wouldn't it just be easier to put some clothes on?"

22. And he said, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, "Why? You can just shut your eyes."

23. Some days I begin to feel like maybe I'm the one who's crazy around here.

24. I realize most of this post has been talk of nekkid children and underwear that qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction.

25. But, yanno, that sort of sums up my life.

26. On the writing side of things, I realized after I finished the first third of TCD that it might possibly be a story that needs to be told from dual first person POVs. A chapter or two from the heroine and a chapter or two from the hero etc.

27. This means I spent most of last week going back over the first third to change chapters into the hero's POV.

28. I'm frustrated at the lack of forward progress, though I'm still in good shape to make my deadline, and now I'm so close to the story, I can't tell if the dual POV is working or if I've tased one too many piles of laundry and can no longer be trusted to make good story-telling decisions.

29. I have some trusted CPs (critique partners) on it and expect a verdict soon.

30. This weekend, I'm attending my local RWA chapter's retreat. Apparently, I'll be doing karaoke. No, I don't think there will be video. If there is, I have minions who can take care of that.

31. Check back in on Wednesday when the Were-llama of Awesomesauce takes on urban fantasy author Jill Myles. It's funny. Trust me.

32. And now I'm off to do another load of laundry.

33. Do try to contain your shock.

Winner of SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH

Thank you to all who entered the drawing for a signed copy of SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH. I hope those of you who didn't win will check out J.T.'s thrilling books (Just make sure your doors are locked and all the lights are on...). As always, I used random.org to pick the winner. And the winner is:

Marley Delarose

Congratulations, Marley! Please email me your mailing address, and I'll forward it on to J.T. Thanks again for entering and happy reading!

Interview With J.T. Ellison

I discovered J.T. Ellison when I was browsing for a new book in Kroger last year and saw JUDAS KISS on the stand. The cover instantly drew me, and when I learned it was set in Nashville, I was sold. I soon learned J.T. has mastered the art of edge-of-your-seat, spine-tingling suspense, intelligent, gritty writing, and characters you desperately hope don't get killed.

I later had the pleasure of sitting on a panel with J.T., and she is lovely, gracious, and FUN. So much fun, I decided I had to have her on the blog. I was thrilled when she agreed to make an appearance to mark the release of her latest book, SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH. Which I will be reading. Most likely all night. Because I will NEED to know what happens! Want proof? Here's a look at SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH:

It's a hideous echo of a violent past. Across America, murders are being committed with all the twisted hallmarks of the Boston Strangler, the Zodiac Killer and Son of Sam. The media frenzy explodes and Nashville homicide lieutenant Taylor Jackson knows instantly that The Pretender is back...and he's got helpers.


As The Pretender's disciples perpetrate their sick homages – stretching police and FBI dangerously thin – Taylor tries desperately to prepare for their inevitable showdown. And she must do it alone. To be close to her is to be in mortal danger, and she won't risk losing anyone she loves. But the isolation, the self-doubt and the rising body count are taking their toll: she's tripwire-tense and ready to snap.

The brilliant psychopath who both adores and despises her is drawing close. Close enough to touch....

I know, right? It's going to be a heart-stopping thrill ride from page one. And you could win your very own copy! More details on that in a little bit. But first, let me introduce today's guests.

Captain Jack Sparrow

J.T. Ellison

Now that you know who's who, let's reveal the amazing cupcake my hubby made for J.T. and get to the interview. When I asked J.T. about cupcake ideas, she told me "the big stuff goes down in Belle Meade Mansion," a location us Nashvillians are familiar with. I tossed my hubby the challenge of creating a mansion with a cupcake, and he more than rose to the occasion. Without further ado, I give you the Belle Meade Mansion cupcake, and J.T.'s interview with Captain Jack.

1. Would you classify yourself as a pirate or a member of Her Majesty’s Royal navy? Why?


Pirate at heart, definitely, though many would assume otherwise. It’s the showering, don’t’cha know. Dreadlocks just don’t look good on me. And when no one’s looking, I like to admire myself in my cutlass. But on the outside, prim and proper, full to the brim with proper etiquette and gentle smiles.

2. *admires self in cutlass* My apologies. Were you saying something? I got distracted by the shiny. What’s your favorite thing to do in Tortuga?

See, there was this one time, in Tortuga, where we drank all the rum punch we could hold and might have made off with some guy’s yacht. Wait, that wasn’t Tortuga. That was freshman year of college. Crap. No wonder I did so poorly.

3. As much as I admire the drinking of the rum punch and the absconding with someone's yacht, I find myself wanting to tie you to the yard arm so as to guard the fate of my own lovely vessel. I’m offering you free passage aboard my ship to anywhere in the world. Where shall we go, love?

The Greek Iles, the Dalmatian Coast, Monaco, Venice, the Riviera, the Amalfi Coast, around Cape Horn, the Panama Canal, the Hebrides… think you’ve got enough ship for me, sir?

4. Darling, I have more than enough ship for you and every other willing wench this side of the Caribbean. Who is the hero of your story most like: me (savvy, debonair, and unquestionably smooth with the ladies), the insufferably honorable Will Turner, or that deceptive little minx Elizabeth?

John Baldwin ... Jack Sparrow. Let’s see. Absolutely like you, but taller, with better teeth, fresher breath, cleaner hair and a bigger... whoops, what was that? A parrot? He doesn’t have a parrot… now I’m yours!

5. If you were trying to distract me from the fact that you nearly cast aspersions upon the size of my telescope, you'll have to do better than ... a yacht? With rum punch? Ooh. Shiny. Rum? Or more rum?

What? No grog? I prefer shards of glass in my rum, thank you very much.

6. Who doesn't? Which leads me to the age old question: Why is the rum always gone?

It’s the rum mice. They sneak in and sip at it whilst you’re busy looking after your parrot. Naughty mice. Naughty parrot! Naughty, naughty pirate.

7. Stop. I'm blushing. What’s the most piratish thing you’ve ever done?

Outside of vomiting rum overboard? Let’s see… once, in a fight for truth, justice and the American way, I… wait, that wasn’t piratish, that was Royal Navyish. I’ve got it. Rescued a kitten from the pound right before it was about to be put down. (What, you don’t think pirates love kittens? We do, we really, really do!)

8. If they can vanquish undead monkeys, I adore them. Are they rules? Or more like guidelines?

The only rules are those you create and impose upon yourself. The rest are merely suggestions, like stoplights in Italy.

9. My dear, you had me at kitten. Oh, wait. That was a different question. I understand you’re a story-teller. Any undead monkeys in your stories?

Come to think of it, no. I must remedy that immediately.

10. Oh, bugger it. Only if you find a way to kill him off. Permanently. Any curses in your story? Heartless monsters? Irritating women who insist on taking matters into their own hands?

Curses, absolutely! My previous book, THE IMMORTALS is predicated on a curse, a calling from the netherworld, a summons to the dark angel Azræl, death himself. Once Azræl is a participant, bad things happen to good little boys and girls. And of course, Taylor Jackson seeks to thwart their evil plan.

11. If I've learned anything in life, it's that a wise man ignores all calls from the netherworld. One of my favorite words is “egregious.” Care to share one of yours, love?

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, love. Really, did you have to ask?

12. I'm stunned into near silence by your use of such a bombastic travesty of the English language. I don't believe that even IS a word. Maybe it looks like a word through the wrong end of a mug of grog? I've seen plenty of THOSE words myself. Parlay? Or draw your sword?

It’s depends. How badly have you insulted me? A stain upon my honor, or a presumption against my honor. You pick.

13. *stares at your cutlass* Darling, I fear you've  misunderstood me. I adore your choice of supercalifragi listi--whatever it was. Adore it. No need to avenge your honor on my account. You’ve got a crowd of cursed sailors and a nasty sea monster on your trail. How do you escape?

Close the book, silly.

14. That only works in my world if said beasties have their heads between the covers of said book. Romantic night in? Or adventure on the high seas?

Adventure, without a doubt. The best nights are ones where romance is found, not created.

15. Here's hoping you find stealing a vessel from Her Majesty's Royal Navy romantic, then. It's at the top of my To Do list tonight. My personal motto is: Take what you want, give nothing back. What’s yours?

“When you are content not to compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” Lao Tzu, who was something of a pirate himself, if you stop to think about it.


Thank you, J.T., for such a fun, entertaining interview!  To learn more about J.T.'s books and how to find her on the web, head to her site. To order your own copy of SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH, go here. Of course, the fun isn't over yet! J.T. is giving away a signed, personalized copy of SO CLOSE THE HAND OF DEATH to one lucky commenter! (Giveaway is for U.S. only.) Here's how to enter:

1. Earn entries:


*Comment on this post = 1 entry

*Be a follower of this blog = 2 entries

*Tweet the link to this interview = 3 entries (Use @cjredwine or leave url to tweet in your comment so I can see it.)

*Post the contest on your blog or facebook= 3 entries (Include link in your comment.)


2. Tally it up:

Please tally up your entries and leave the total in your comment.

3. Check back:

The contest is open until 8 p.m. (central time) Sunday, February 27th. Please check back to see if you've won and to claim your prize!

Good luck to all, and happy reading!

Swamp Floggers For The Win!

But only if you bring back lemon bars.

1. My brain is exhausted right now.

2. I have good reasons.

3. For one, Princess J was sick Saturday night and together I think the two of us had maybe four hours of sleep.

4. And instead of napping on Sunday, I went to the bookstore and wrote 5k.

5. Because I'm turning this book in on March 27th, and I have 2/3 left to write.

6. I'm one of those people who works very well with a deadline. It lights a fire under me--like someone tossing a gauntlet down and daring me not to finish.  I HAVE to prove I can do it.

7. And I have to tell you, I love what I'm writing. It has a depth and authenticity to it that I've never achieved before. I hope to get to share it with you soon!

8. Anyway, I told you all of that to explain why my brain is exhausted because it's very ... See? I can't even think of the word I want! Hang on ... Oh, yes. It's very probable I'll write a few items on this list that a) make no sense or b) ramble and then make no sense.

9. Be a doll, and don't point it out.

10. Or, yanno, point it out and see what happens when you challenge an exhausted woman who enjoys wielding a titanium spork.

11. Discovery Channel has a new show coming out. I caught the end of the ad for it and it said "Swamp Floggers" as the title.

12. Which really caught my attention because WOW! There are people who flog swamps? I mean, not that a swamp doesn't deserve a good flogging every once in a while, what with all those mosquitoes and alligators and stinky mud, but people do this? Do they get paid? Is this a hobby? Is there some sort of special flogging uniform and does it involve leather?

13. I was primed and ready to program my DVR for this BRILLIANT show, when I took a closer look at the screen and realized it said "Swamp Loggers."

14. Which really doesn't generate the same degree of excitement at all.

15. Maybe Discovery should run a few of their ideas by me. I bet I could brainstorm some worthy improvements.

16. I learned a lesson this week.

17. Turns out, not all people respond well to a stranger saying something to them in a public restroom.

18. Who knew?

19. I took the Scientist to the movies this past weekend and had cause to visit the restroom. When I approached the sink to wash my hands, I realized the entire counter surrounding it was covered with water, but it was too late to alter my choice.

20. There was a woman (who looked perfectly nice but that just goes to show you that outward appearances LIE) already at the sink beside me.

21. So, I decided to suck it up, keep myself from leaning into the puddle of water, and wash my hands.

22. I turned on the faucet and got SPRAYED. Thoroughly.

23. So did the counter.

24. Which explains the puddle.

25. I said as much out loud. Something along the lines of "Holy cow! Well, I guess that explains all this water, right?" And looked at the woman beside me.

26. She backed away and said "It's really weird to talk to strangers in a bathroom."

27. I kind of wanted to ask her if the weirdness was generated by the act of talking to a stranger, or if it was simply a problem of location. Instead, I very maturely said "Well, you just talked to me."

28. She left.

29. And she looked like she'd just been sucking on a lemon.

30. It's fine. I'm not everybody's cup of tea.

31. Speaking of tea ... no, I really can't make that transition work because I didn't drink tea while watching I Am Number 4. I drank Diet Dr. Pepper.

32. Hence the bathroom visit.

33. Anyway, I was curious to see how this movie would hold up amid all the hype. Short answer: it's a decent popcorn flick if you don't need everything to make sense and you really love awesome action scenes.

34. The romance was fine, though I wasn't yearning for them to be together. However, I didn't want to take a spork to them either, so that's something.

35. And honestly the action sequences were pretty cool. And there were some acting gems along the way.

36. What brought the movie down were the villains. They were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings because ... because ... well, because they were evil, terrible, planet-destroying beings! With gills around the nose! And awful looking teeth!

37. And they liked to talk quite a bit when any idiot could see their stupid soliloquy was just giving the good guy enough time to figure out how to blast the bad guy into dust. Less talking, gill boy! More shooting!

38. To illustrate: At one point, the main bad guy has a human friend to #4 trapped and says the following to him: "Do you watch tv? Yes? Well then, I bet right about now, you're thinking to yourself you could be the hero and save the day. You know what I have to say about that? Don't do it, okay?"

39. Okay! Because you have scary gills around your nose and have never been to a dentist, I will obey you!

40. Seriously. A little motivation? Explanation of why they're killing them in order? And why they're bothering with it at all since they destroyed everyone else on the planet Lorian? Why not sit back and enjoy the fruits of their labors?

41. So, I didn't buy into the threat, which made it hard to take anything seriously. That aside, though, I was moderately entertained by the good guys action sequences (Thankfully, they all had nice teeth and no problems with delivering death instead of soliloquies.) and my son loved it.

42. But, you know what would've improved the movie a thousand percent?

43. Swamp Floggers. With really excellent teeth. And zero soliloquies.

Winner of OutsideIN

Thank you to all who entered the contest for a signed, personalized copy of Maria V. Snyder's excellent OutsideIN. As always, I used random.org to choose the winner. And the winner is ...

Sarah McClung

Congratulations, Sarah! I know you're going to love these books. Those of you who didn't win this time, I hope you'll pick up Maria's books next time you're in the book store. They are well worth it!