Secret Agent Kitties: Case #1

Case File: Operation Chow Hound Mortification

Assigned Agents: Tinks (mastermind) and Carly (deceptively sweet)

Problem: Giant Black Chow Hound must be convinced of his lowly social status, apprised of his bottom-of-the-pecking-order title, and humbled beyond anyone's wildest expectations. The fact that Giant Black Chow Hound is already submissive toward us means nothing.

Solution: Both agents shall leave piles of excrement on either side of Giant Black Chow Hound's food bowl and one agent shall carefully balance atop Giant Black Chow Hound's water bowl and relieve herself at will.

Message delivered.

Major Squee!!

I'm so excited to announce that today I accepted representation from Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency. :) Also, I'm no longer working on revising SF since Holly loves the first person version. I'll just be deepening some tension and adding to the ending and then it goes out on submission.

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!

Letterman, Eat Your Heart Out

My Top Ten List for this past weekend:

1. Random google-age (which means my Swiss cheese of a memory can't recall how I arrived here) found this photo of the now-defunct friendship pins which my friends and I used to make and then wear pinned to the shoe-laces of our tennies.

2. Took two teenage girls to the mall for a makeover and then to see Confessions of a Shopaholic which, even though it took liberties with the book, was charming and funny.

3. Discouraged kittens from leaping into the dishwasher as I tried to load in dirty plates.

4. Also discouraged kittens from leaping into the dryer as I loaded in wet clothing.

5. Failed on both accounts.

6. Explained reality to the co-worker who was absolutely certain Congress was divying up $800 billion between all taxpayers.

7. Had an agent I really like ask for my phone number after reading SF so we could talk. :) I'm not a huge exclamation point kind of girl but this statement is momentus so please insert as many exclamation points as you feel a career-shaping moment deserves.

8. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Am really loving my new van (even though it doesn't have the 9-4's devious ways) but feel that it truly needs a nickname to be one of the family.

And finally:

10. Waited on a party of seven, five of which were guzzlers. (You know who you are. Gulping your drinks down before I'm three steps away from the table and then repeating the process fifteen times before your food arrives.) Did a moderate amount of running back and forth for them. Was friendly. Funny. Pretty perfect service. They got up to leave and the man said "Wish I could leave a tip for you, but the economy, you know? I'm sure you understand."

You won't be surprised to learn that while he neglected to leave a tip for me, I had quite the tip for him. He might repeat his act of disrespectful arrogance again, but it certainly won't be in my restaurant.

Some People Are Just Brilliant

Yesterday, a lady came in to the restaurant and ordered a fried chicken tenderloin salad. The conversation went something like this:

Lady: I'll have a fried chicken tenderloin salad, please. I'm on a diet.

Waitress: *no longer surprised when people offer her personal details like the fact that they're dieting, details of their doctor's visits, or a description of the slew of medication they take each day to keep vital organs running at half speed* Okay. What dressing do you want?

Lady: What do you have?

Waitress: *also no longer surprised that everyone asks this question, even though the dressing options are listed right next to the salads* We have ranch, french, thousand, bleu cheese, honey mustard, italian, and peppercorn. Oh, and we also have fat free dressings, in case that helps with your diet.

Lady: I don't want any of those fat free dressings. They don't taste as good. I'll have ranch. Better make that extra ranch. I like a lot of dressing.

Waitress: So, you want a fried chicken tenderloin salad with extra ranch?

Lady: Yes. Oh. Wait. I'm dieting. That might be a bit much. Better just give me only half the usual amount of lettuce.

Waitress: *pauses to examine this new dieting strategy from all angles* So, you want a fried chicken salad--which comes with our homemade buttery croutons and plenty of cheese--and you want extra ranch, but you only want half the lettuce?

Lady: Yes. I told you. I'm dieting.

Blogging: Epic Fail

Reasons Why I've Failed At Blogging This Week:

1. Goats

2. A small disturbance in a little-known Eastern European country requiring me to put down a potential uprising using nothing more than some zebra-striped stilettos and a titanium spork.

3. Children who carted home oodles of odious math homework that ate up my evening hours.

4. I was dead. I swear it.

5. Long hours at work surrounded by managerial types from other stores whose sole mission in life was to make mine miserable.

6. I couldn't make bail.

7. Pancakes. They called to me.

8. *sigh* Laundry.

9. I was pulled back into my former life as a covert operative for a little known branch of the U.S. military where my specialized skill set includes running in stilettos, thesaurus-like verbosity, and punching like a man.

10. Every spare creative brain cell (and there weren't many) was devoted to revising SF.

11. Temporary amnesia brought on by yet another unlikely head injury (this one involving a camel and a flight of unruly pigeons).


Some items in this are actually true. =D I'll do better next week. Probably.

Bananas, Pickles, and Romance

1. The kittens now own the downstairs. Tinks has made several forays into the upstairs and Carly made up two steps before rethinking her strategy and returning to the safety of her favorite couch.

2. They bring us joy.

3. The Scientist and I were running errands the other day when he began to question me about potassium--the benefits and the most accessible sources.

4. This is not an uncommon line of thinking for the Scientist, who wants to know every detail about everything.

5. I explained that bananas are a great source of potassium and said that I thought it helped give a person energy and boost brain power.

6. He then said the following: "Well, bananas would be a good thing to have with you in case of an emergency, then."

7. Me: "What kind of emergency?"

8. Scientist: "You know. In case someone faints. If bananas give energy right away, that's a great way to bring around a person who's fainted."

9. Me: "Weeeelll, maybe. But how could you get a person who's fainted to eat the banana?"

10. Scientist: "The best method would be to cut it into tiny pieces and force them to chew. But, if it's an emergency, I guess you'd have to just shove chunks of it down their throat."

11. Never fear. I'm steering him away from a career as a paramedic.

12. Yesterday, I was teaching our 3 year olds Sunday school class and we were talking about Valentine's Day. I asked them if they thought God wanted a Valentine from us and they all agreed yes. Then I asked them if they had anything to give God for a Valentine.

13. One little boy's hand shot into the air.

14. I looked at him and asked, "What do you have to give God for a Valentine?"

15. "I've got gas!" he said.

16. And as I choked down my laughter, he added thoughtfully, "And pickles."

17. Last night, my hubby and his friends cooked an amazing dinner for their wives. We hosted it at my house and the men surprised us with a masseuse as well.

18. It was a wonderful evening, even if they did take a blowtorch to my antique china tea cups during the making of creme brulee. =D

19. Today, I'll be doing laundry (I know, I know. Shocking.) and taking the kids to see Pink Panther 2 this afternoon.

20. Reader Question: If you could re-read one favorite book this year, which would it be?

Our New Family Members

Today we adopted two 3 month old kittens from a local rescue organization. So far, we've established that Tinks is adventurous and Carly is a cuddler. And our 60 pound Chow dog, who desperately wants to be friends with both, is terrified of Tinks' hiss.

They've conquered the downstairs bathroom, with brief forays into the laundry room across the hall for litter box perusal. Tinks even raced into the dining room for a moment before scuttling back to the safety of the bathroom, where she promptly unrolled the toilet paper.

This is Carly, who was a bit camera shy:




Tinks is a beauty with attitude: