Saturday, March 8, 2008
Dear Juan Pedro
When the slump in high-paying medieval warfare showed no signs of recovery, Juan Pedro signed on as a seasonal employee with the local mall.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Things I've Found Amusing This Week
1. Ryan Seacrest pronouncing "niche" as "neesh" on live t.v. last night.
2. Reminds me of the ever-pompous Alex Trebec pronouncing "Don Juan" as "Don Jew-an" for a Jeopardy clue and then defensively telling the laughing audience that "Jew-an" is the correct pronunciation for "Juan".
3. Bet that cleared things up for conflicted Hispanics across the globe.
4. Starshine playing Guitar Hero: total concentration and focus (for once!!) and he jerks his body forward every time he hits a long note.
5. The fact that everyone in my house seems to think that since they love to play Guitar Hero, I should love it too.
6. It just doesn't capture my interest.
7. The customer I had on Tuesday night who looked at our menu, pointed to a section and asked, "So, on these Weekend Specials...do you only have those on the weekend?"
8. You will, no doubt, be proud of me for responding with a simple "Yes ma'am."
9. Never mind that it took me twenty seconds of silence to reject every other response that came to mind before I settled on "yes ma'am".
10. Sarcasm, no matter how justifiable, tends to have a negative impact on my tips.
11. That every male in my household is incapable of wearing socks with the slightest hole in them without either a)complaining mightily and demanding new socks or b) throwing them away and then complaining that they have no socks to wear.
12. Oddly, none of them feel the same way about holes in their pants, shirts, sweatshirts, or underwear.
13. My hubby for thinking a little thing like needing sleep would stop me from watching Lost on Thursday night.
14. The fact that no matter what I'm aiming for, I somehow manage to hit Paul in the eye with whatever weapon we're currently using...straw wrappers, carrots, balls of paper...until I use a weapon that would be truly interesting should it hit his eye (a wad of chewing gum) and then, of course, I miss.
15. Opening a Chadwick's catalog recently and seeing outfits I wore in junior high being touted as "chic" and "sophisticated".
16. The late 80's and early 90's were many things.
17. "Chic and sophisticated" are not one of those.
2. Reminds me of the ever-pompous Alex Trebec pronouncing "Don Juan" as "Don Jew-an" for a Jeopardy clue and then defensively telling the laughing audience that "Jew-an" is the correct pronunciation for "Juan".
3. Bet that cleared things up for conflicted Hispanics across the globe.
4. Starshine playing Guitar Hero: total concentration and focus (for once!!) and he jerks his body forward every time he hits a long note.
5. The fact that everyone in my house seems to think that since they love to play Guitar Hero, I should love it too.
6. It just doesn't capture my interest.
7. The customer I had on Tuesday night who looked at our menu, pointed to a section and asked, "So, on these Weekend Specials...do you only have those on the weekend?"
8. You will, no doubt, be proud of me for responding with a simple "Yes ma'am."
9. Never mind that it took me twenty seconds of silence to reject every other response that came to mind before I settled on "yes ma'am".
10. Sarcasm, no matter how justifiable, tends to have a negative impact on my tips.
11. That every male in my household is incapable of wearing socks with the slightest hole in them without either a)complaining mightily and demanding new socks or b) throwing them away and then complaining that they have no socks to wear.
12. Oddly, none of them feel the same way about holes in their pants, shirts, sweatshirts, or underwear.
13. My hubby for thinking a little thing like needing sleep would stop me from watching Lost on Thursday night.
14. The fact that no matter what I'm aiming for, I somehow manage to hit Paul in the eye with whatever weapon we're currently using...straw wrappers, carrots, balls of paper...until I use a weapon that would be truly interesting should it hit his eye (a wad of chewing gum) and then, of course, I miss.
15. Opening a Chadwick's catalog recently and seeing outfits I wore in junior high being touted as "chic" and "sophisticated".
16. The late 80's and early 90's were many things.
17. "Chic and sophisticated" are not one of those.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Value of Proof-reading
Thank you to Carolyn for the funny email!
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------- ------ -! ------- ------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morn ing at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------- ------ -! ------- ------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morn ing at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Monday, March 3, 2008
Monday's List
1. I can't believe it's already March.
2. Thankfully, the weather is beautiful at the moment and makes it feel like spring is really here.
3. This is a middle Tennesse lie, of course, since last year it managed to snow in April.
4. I put up a new poll today. I love all four series but found it surprisingly easy to pick my favorite.
5. This morning I have that nagging "I'm forgetting something" feeling.
6. Hmm...
7. Nope, I'm wearing pants.
8. Must be something else.
9. The empty house beside us finally sold and our new neighbors moved in Saturday.
10. They seem very nice and their 5 year old little girl latched onto my boys and played outside with them all yesterday afternoon.
11. My friends Kailani and Amber are currently backpacking across Ireland.
12. I'm jealous.
13. Sort of.
14. I really want to visit Ireland.
15. I, however, do not backpack.
16. I do not consider strapping a fifty pound bag to my back and eschewing all forms of public or private transportation to be a vacation.
17. I put my contacts in this morning and one of the little buggers folded in half and slipped as far back and to the side of my eye as is possible to go.
18. It was not fun trying to get it out.
19. Paul moved into his condo and took Juan Pedro with him.
20. The house still feels a little empty without them.
21. I took an online quiz that said my weapon of choice would be a dagger.
22. Huh.
23. I really think my weapon of choice would be whatever was handy at the time.
24. My laundry, for once, is pretty manageable.
25. My house in general is pretty manageable.
26. If, of course, you take my advice and studiously avoid examining the boys' rooms.
27. :D
2. Thankfully, the weather is beautiful at the moment and makes it feel like spring is really here.
3. This is a middle Tennesse lie, of course, since last year it managed to snow in April.
4. I put up a new poll today. I love all four series but found it surprisingly easy to pick my favorite.
5. This morning I have that nagging "I'm forgetting something" feeling.
6. Hmm...
7. Nope, I'm wearing pants.
8. Must be something else.
9. The empty house beside us finally sold and our new neighbors moved in Saturday.
10. They seem very nice and their 5 year old little girl latched onto my boys and played outside with them all yesterday afternoon.
11. My friends Kailani and Amber are currently backpacking across Ireland.
12. I'm jealous.
13. Sort of.
14. I really want to visit Ireland.
15. I, however, do not backpack.
16. I do not consider strapping a fifty pound bag to my back and eschewing all forms of public or private transportation to be a vacation.
17. I put my contacts in this morning and one of the little buggers folded in half and slipped as far back and to the side of my eye as is possible to go.
18. It was not fun trying to get it out.
19. Paul moved into his condo and took Juan Pedro with him.
20. The house still feels a little empty without them.
21. I took an online quiz that said my weapon of choice would be a dagger.
22. Huh.
23. I really think my weapon of choice would be whatever was handy at the time.
24. My laundry, for once, is pretty manageable.
25. My house in general is pretty manageable.
26. If, of course, you take my advice and studiously avoid examining the boys' rooms.
27. :D
Saturday, March 1, 2008
It Is Only A Matter Of Time
Excerpt from EVERY DAY DESERVES A CHANCE by Max Lucado (footnoted as being part of a sermon by Rick Atchely)
Excerpts from the diary of a dog:
8:00 am Oh boy, dog food - my favorite.
9:20 am Oh boy, a car ride - my favorite.
9:40 am Oh boy, a walk - my favorite.
10:30 am Oh boy, another car ride - my favorite.
11:30 am Oh boy, more dog food - my favorite.
12:00 pm Oh boy, the kids - my favorite.
1:00 pm Oh boy, the yard - my favorite.
4:00 pm Oh boy, the kids again - my favorite.
5:00 pm Oh boy, dog food again - my favorite.
5:30 pm Oh boy, Mom - my favorite.
6:00 pm Oh boy, playing ball - my favorite.
8:30 pm Oh boy, sleeping in my master's bed - my favorite.
Excerpts from the diary of a cat:
Day 283 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I'm forced to eat dry cereal. I'm sustained by the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I derive from ruining a few pieces of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. I attempted to kill my captors this morning by weaving through their walking feet. Nearly succeeded. Must try this strategy at the top of the stairs. Seeking to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. To display my diabolical disposition, I decaptiated a mouse and deposited the headless body on their kitchen floor. They only cooed and condescended, patting my head and calling me a "strong little kitty." Hmmm - not working according to plan. During a gathering of their accomplices, they placed me in solitary confinement. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of allergies. Must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other household captives are flunkies, perhaps snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems naively happy to return. He is, no doubt, a half-wit. The bird speaks with the humans regularly. Must be an informant. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in a metal cage, his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Excerpts from the diary of a dog:
8:00 am Oh boy, dog food - my favorite.
9:20 am Oh boy, a car ride - my favorite.
9:40 am Oh boy, a walk - my favorite.
10:30 am Oh boy, another car ride - my favorite.
11:30 am Oh boy, more dog food - my favorite.
12:00 pm Oh boy, the kids - my favorite.
1:00 pm Oh boy, the yard - my favorite.
4:00 pm Oh boy, the kids again - my favorite.
5:00 pm Oh boy, dog food again - my favorite.
5:30 pm Oh boy, Mom - my favorite.
6:00 pm Oh boy, playing ball - my favorite.
8:30 pm Oh boy, sleeping in my master's bed - my favorite.
Excerpts from the diary of a cat:
Day 283 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I'm forced to eat dry cereal. I'm sustained by the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I derive from ruining a few pieces of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. I attempted to kill my captors this morning by weaving through their walking feet. Nearly succeeded. Must try this strategy at the top of the stairs. Seeking to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. To display my diabolical disposition, I decaptiated a mouse and deposited the headless body on their kitchen floor. They only cooed and condescended, patting my head and calling me a "strong little kitty." Hmmm - not working according to plan. During a gathering of their accomplices, they placed me in solitary confinement. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of allergies. Must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other household captives are flunkies, perhaps snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems naively happy to return. He is, no doubt, a half-wit. The bird speaks with the humans regularly. Must be an informant. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in a metal cage, his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
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