Thursday, July 9, 2009

Are You TRYING To Get Me Fired?

Last night, apparently, was bring an idiot out to dinner night. I didn't get the memo, but I sure did wait on the idiots. Since my mouth tends to spout off snappy sarcasm in response to obvious instances of moronic thinking, waiting on a string of idiots can get me fired.

Last night, I had three in a row.

1. I walked up to a table, greeted them, offered them tea or Coke to drink and the woman looked at me and said, "Something smells good! Whatcha cooking?" I admit I stared at her for about ten seconds of silence, trying to think of something I could say that wouldn't sound like I was accusing her of being ... well, an idiot. I mean, seriously? We're a restaurant. With one of the largest menus in the business. Whatever she's smelling could be any one of 120 items or a combination of several. I finally patted her menu and said, "Take your pick. We cook them all." She said, "It smells like chicken." I nodded wisely. "Then it probably is chicken." She nodded back. "Probably so."


2. My next table was no better. The woman looked at me and said, "I can tip you very well." She winked like we were in on some sort of conspiracy together and leaned closer. "I'll tip you well if you'll do something for me." I politely inquired as to the nature of her request and she said, "I really want the Sunday chicken. If you get that for me, I'll take good care of you." I blinked at her for a second and said in my most reasonable voice, "But ma'am, it's Wednesday." She nodded. "I know. But I want the Sunday chicken special." I nodded right back. "Oh, I'm sure you do. But, you see, it isn't Sunday. It's Wednesday. All the money in the world can't change that."

3. The very next table, the man ordered a meatloaf dinner. I always bring ketchup to the table when I serve meatloaf because I was raised by a man who drowns everything on his plate in ketchup, especially meatloaf. I placed everything on the table and asked if they needed anything else. The man said, "Yeah. Can I get some tomato sauce to put on top of this meatloaf?" I pointed to the bottle of ketchup. "I brought you some ketchup, sir." He glanced at the bottle (labeled "Kraft TOMATO Ketchup" and said, "But I want something made out of tomatoes."

It took me several seconds of rapidly rejecting every single response that flew into my head before I could calmly say, "Yes, sir. Ketchup is made from tomatoes." And then I walked away as fast as I could because it's generally considered very rude to laugh yourself silly at the customer's expense while he can still hear you doing it.


  1. *falls over laughing*

    I don't know how you do it, seriously, I don't think I could handle dealing with the general public that frequently.

  2. Oh lord. I remember those days. I made the WORST waitress ever. My high-peak of want to kill the customer came from a big Italian family. Jerks they were. I satisfied myself with accidentally pouring an entire pitcher of rootbeer in dad's lap. >=)

  3. Reminds me of some of my students.

    Them: "I want to know when I'm going to get my financial aid check."

    Me: " aren't enrolled this quarter."

    Them: " have to be enrolled to get financial aid?"

    Me: "That's part of the deal."

    Them: "Then it's not aiding me much, is it?"

    GAH!!! I feel your pain. I think there should be a litmus test for people to be let out in public.

  4. Love what I overheard a rep who sits outside my office say to a client on the phone(not my rep, by the way).

    "Ma'am, I can't understand you with your accent."

    *head desk*

  5. Incredible, isn't it? You have to wonder if they all sit around and synchronize their watches to attack at the same time. Sort of an idiotvasion. Hats off to you for being able to deal.

    I did my time in the food service industry and just did not have the patience for it. Now, though, it's the parents (not the students) who most often make me want to cry. They: "I don't understand why you're giving Little Johnny an F!" I: "First of all, I'm not giving him the grade, I'm recording what he earned. And secondly, he hasn't handed in a single homework assignment all year long." They: "Yes, he's bored. But he's very bright."

    Sigh is right.

    Keep on keeping on CJ. Just think of them as little gifts-- possible comedic relief characters for a future novel?

  6. It still is making me laugh and I was there


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