Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Beg Your Pardon?

Transcript of a conversation I had with a Sweet Old Lady today at work. For this to make sense, you need to know when I get tired, my voice gets hoarse at odd moments. Sort of like a teenage boy going through the Change but without the squeaks. Today, I was tired:

Me: *sets plate of food in front of SOL* Here's your chicken pot pie. Do you need anything else right now?

Sweet Old Lady: Oh, thank you. Actually, I want to ask you a question.

Me: Sure.

Sweet Old Lady: How many times do you get mistaken for a man?

Me: *blinks for a second in silence* Um ... I don't understand.

Not So Sweet Old Lady: A man, dear. Someone of the masculine persuasion.

Me: I know what a man is.

Crossing A Line Old Lady: So? How many times?

Me: Never. *wants to ask how many times old lady gets mistaken for a jackass but really good insults are wasted on the mostly deaf*

Dancing A Jig On My Last Nerve Old Lady: Never? Oh, I can't believe that.

Me: *speaks through gritted teeth* Really? Why is that? I look like a man to you?

About To Meet Her Maker Old Lady: Of course not, dear. A man has much stronger shoulders.

Me: How comforting.

As Good As Dead Old Lady: But, you have a very masculine name, dear. I'm sure people mistake you for a man all the time.

Me: *tries to understand the logic* So ... you think C.J. is masculine?

Devil's Handmaiden Old Lady: Well, dear. If you want to be feminine, you must not use initials.

Me: So the fact that I don't LOOK like a man or SOUND like a man wouldn't clear up the confusion?

The Witch: Oh, well, dear. I wouldn't say you don't sound like a man.

Me: You caught me. I'm C.J. Monday-Thursday but on the weekends I'm known simply as Fred.

11 comments:

  1. LOL. You have the strangest things happen to you. I bet you never run out of fodder for your books.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow. I have to say that I would probably have laughed hysterically right there in front of her. And peope think I'M wierd because I've got tattoos and a Zombie baby doll...

    ReplyDelete
  3. LMAO

    See, and that is why I don't drink coffee while reading your posts anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Mr Redwine....errrrr... CJ....

    OK, I'm 6 feet tall and have been called sir until I turn around and they see the 36Ds...but never have I had someone say that to my face! Surely, you should have inquired how many times she has been mistaken for a wombat.

    I admire the fact that the SOL was not wearing the pot pie when she left the restaurant.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hilarious!! Why don't I ever get these interesting "guests?" Katie just recently wrote a blog about one of her crazy Cracker Barrel experiences, too. Here is the link, if you haven't read it:
    http://kat.eleven33.com/?p=791

    ReplyDelete
  6. Toting textbooks around for Office Aide is better than your job.

    Ha.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Shannon - MUCH of my life finds its way into my books. Can't help it. Too much comedic material.

    A. Grey - I kind of want a Zombie baby doll...

    ND - lol. Henceforth, I shall be known only as Fred the Fabulous.

    Anon - Your wombat comment cracked me up!

    Amy - I think you're too nice of a person to attract the kind of rampant weirdness that seems to cling to me like a second skin.

    AngDot - True. Sad, but true.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You should have given her a hearing exam.

    And by hearing exam I mean boxing her ears ... with a raw chicken.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "No, ma'am. Since the operation, it rarely happens anymore. Good eye!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. But .... she didn't spit food in your mouth? SO ... that's good, right?

    Right?

    ReplyDelete

People who comment are made of awesomesauce with a side of WIN!

Harry Potter Trailer & More!

The final trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 has been released, and I'm not going to lie. I get choked up every ti...