Monday, December 13, 2010

Heads Up

I want to clear something up. It will only take a minute. I keep getting the following comment from people when they hear that I have three biological boys and then adopted a girl: "Oh, how nice. You finally got your girl."

They don't mean "Oh, you finally brought home the girl you were waiting for the last five years." They mean "Oh, you really always wanted a baby girl but kept having boys and finally took matters into your own hands so you could get the girl you always wanted in the first place."

So, I want to clear this up. When I gave birth to Starshine, my youngest boy, I was put-a-fork-in-me done with having kids. Done. And I didn't feel the slightest bit of disappointment that I had all boys. I was on an incredible adventure with my boys, and it felt just right. Every single pregnancy, all I wished for was a healthy baby. Boy or girl, it didn't matter.

Years later, we felt called to adopt a girl. Not because we somehow missed out all those years with only having boys, but because we felt called to adopt a girl. Period. My boys have never been a source of disappointment to me. I didn't adopt because I needed to have a girl in the house. I adopted because Johanna is ours.

While I'm clearing things up, please don't ever refer to my boys as "my own" children while Johanna is something else. They are all my own children. When people say things like "Wow, you adopted even though you have "your own" children?" or "I want to adopt, but I want to have my own children first," I want to punch them. Johanna is our child as completely as any of my boys. If you want to refer to "my own" children, make sure you mean all four of them, please. I punch like a man.



  1. The obtuseness of people amazes me! And yet, as a childfree person, I've been on the receiving end of the idiocy: do you not want children? Which means, of course, they are fishing to find out if I've had a tragedy and can't have any. None of their business, is it?

    Congrats on your FOUR beautiful children, C.J.!

  2. *hugs*

    I always knew that I was adopted. And I always knew that my adopted mother didn't want a girl. She wanted to adopt a third boy...and I wasn't that boy.

    And I wasn't the type of girl that she wanted either.

    I say that to say that it makes my heart and soul so happy to see a beautiful adopted girl who will never feel left out by her family. I have much love and admiration for you and Clint for being the type of parents that I know that you are.

  3. If you need help with the punching, please give me holler. As one who cannot have a biological child, I have had to endure the same idiotic and insensitive crap LRH describes... "Don't you want kids?" "When are you going to have kids?" "Why don't you have kids." For a while, during what I have come to think of as my Emotionally Raw Period, I would say, "Actually, I'm barren. Thank you for reopening that wound." I've since taken a gentler approach to correcting this undesirable behavior. But now I also get, "Why don't you JUST adopt?" Like that's the easiest thing in the world. Just stop over at the local McKidsAreUs and pick yourself up a discounted fast food kid, right? Argh. I'm sure, having been through it, you can attest that the process is anything but "just" so easy. People are idiots. I think it's really a sign that people just don't know WHAT to say. And instead of shutting up, they babble.
    Anyway. I'll help punch. Or if you want to put your post on a t-shirt, I'll buy one and help spread the word.
    Congratulations on finally finding your beautiful daughter!

  4. CJ
    Thank you for what you said about adoption. I have always known that I was adopted and my parents never treated me any different from my brother who was "their own" Bless you and your family.

  5. Oh, and for all you boneheads out there who want to test the theory, I was always her enforcer, so if you speak that way about my niece, I tend to break bones when I punch. Just saying.

  6. As an adoptee who never felt accepted by my adopted family in comparison to their "biological" kids, I heart you for this post.

    (It is not just me. As I've gotten to be adults and expressed frustration, people who knew me as a kid have spoken on the different way I was treated compared to the biological kids.)

    You are a beautiful wonderful person AND exactly the type of person who should be adopting. Thank you for being wonderful. And open. It helps people like me to see that there are people like you. Seriously, I may not be related by blood, but I will be backing up wantonactsofwriting in enforcing anyone who dares to make that child feel less when her parents are loving her so completely!

  7. Well, you won't catch me doing that. I can't have children, so if/when I adopt a child, the adoption factor won't matter bc that child will be MINE. Period.

    So yeah, right there with ya, chica. =)

  8. Unfortunately you are the victim of attitudes created by the actions of people like my neighbors who after three girls tried "one more time" for a boy and got ... another girl.

    In my family, my boys frequently ask me, "How are we related to ... ?" My husband is one of 12 children that his father added to the family through various means. I have a brother who is a brother by choice and not from any legal means. Our extended family is full of cousins' cousins, ex-relatives-in-law, and people who've been in our lives sometimes from the day we were born. What this has taught my children is that family is family and it doesn't matter how you get them. That and that they, also, have a mother who is willing to punch out anyone who tells her that her relatives aren't "really" related.

  9. Great post. Being an adopted mom, I totally agree. My daughter is my daughter, plain and simple. It's weird what people's attitudes are. Thanks for educating some people.

  10. A good friend of mine has one biological and one adopted child. They both look like her, so people will ASK HER which one is adopted. She looks those asshats right in the eye and says, "I can't remember."

  11. I'm so happy for you and your family! Sometimes I think people just don't know what to say, so out tumbles nonsense. Not saying that makes it right, just that some folks don't have a clue how to respond to things.

  12. I know where you're coming from from personal experience. Somehow people these days seem to think everything is their business and have no qualms about questioning or giving opinions.

  13. Yes...Yes you do punch like a man! =)

  14. Rereading this for a second time. The first was the day you posted it. I can't help it. I have a thing for you putting tiny people in their proper place. Under your foot.


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