The Plan

All of my fellow GH nominees are now trying to come up with speeches in case we win. The goal, of course, is to speak with a modicum of dignity, not forget the names of our husbands or critique partners, and avoid such obvious faux pax as tripping up the stairs or initiating a wardrobe malfunction while reaching for our notes.

Here's my suggestion.

We can model all of our acceptance speeches after those Geico customer commercials (C.J. is a real Golden Heart winner, not an Experienced Public Speaker, so we've hired one to interpret for her).

C.J.: OMG!

EPS: I find myself deeply honored and excited to be up here onstage accepting this award.

C.J.: Holy Freakin' Cow!

EPS: While bovines did not actually play a part in the creation of my winning manuscript, several others did and must be thanked.

C.J.: WOOOOOOO!

EPS: Thank you to the contest judges, my fellow Pixies, my critique
partners, though not one of them clapped eyes on this particular manuscript, my family, RWA, other writers in the building, and especially to Nora Roberts for not entering my category using a psuedonym and therefore torpedoing my chances from the start.

C.J.: OMGHOLYCOWWOOOO! !!

EPS: I appreciate this honor and apologize for the not-so-brief flash of well-endowed breast I gave this assembly as I reached for my
speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to run to the bathroom and
revisit my dinner. Thank you.