Business In The Front
1. Last week at work I met Miley Cyrus.
2. No, really.
3. I know. It was the highlight of my life, believe me.
4. She came in to the restaurant with her boyfriend for dinner.
5. Girl is way too skinny.
6. And yes, I pretended I didn't recognize her. I hate the whole fawning-all-over-celebrity thing.
7. But honestly, she didn't act like she wanted to be recognized. Very low key. Unlike some celebrities who come into the restaurant.
8. Like ... Nick of the Backstreet Boys.
9. I never listened to the Backstreet Boys, so when Nick came in I didn't recognize him.
10. In fact, most of the patrons didn't recognize him either.
11. Because this is Nashville. We have HUGE celebrities coming in to eat all the time. Like George Jones. Naomi Judd. Even, on occasion, Jordin Sparks.
12. And because when's the last time anyone saw or heard from the Backstreet Boys?
13. Anyway, one of the girls I work with pointed him out to me and assured me it was Nick Carter.
14. I ranked this piece of information right up there with stuff like "Walmart sells camouflage nightgowns" or "Paris Hilton uses marijuana."
15. Apparently, most of the patrons felt the same way I did because no one came to his table to ask for an autograph. No one snapped pics of him with a cell phone. In fact, no one really looked at him at all.
16. It soon became obvious Nick found this lukewarm reception unacceptable.
17. Why do I say that?
18. Because right in the middle of the dining room, over a plate of country cooking, in total disregard of the fact that his dining companions were right in the middle of a conversation, he started singing.
20. At full volume.
21. Little snatches of lines that I assume were culled from a Backstreet Boy hit or two.
22. After singing a bit, he'd stop, look around, allow his friends to start talking again, and then, when it became obvious no one was going to ooh and aah, he'd start up again.
23. Whether the other patrons finally recognized him, I don't know. I do know he was getting plenty of dirty looks from people who wanted to eat their dinners without the unwelcome accompaniment of has-been boy band members who can't stand not to have fans following them around anymore.
24. And now, just when you think I've exhausted all of my meaningless celebrity stories, I bring you one last thing.
25. Probably the most interesting thing you'll hear from me all week.
26. As I drive in to work every day, I pass a house with buffalo in the front yard.
27. Real buffalo.
28. They don't actually do much.
29. In fact, usually they're too far up the hill to really see more than shaggy fur covering a hump.
30. Last week, however, one of the beasts had wandered down the hill and was staring at the cars as they drove by.
31. I locked eyes with him and realized one truly astounding thing.
32. The buffalo had a mullet.
33. With blond streaks.
34. Actually, more like orange-ish streaks.
35. But yes, I promise you, the buffalo was all highlighted business in the front and party in the back.
36. And I had the thought, as I drove on by, that he strongly reminded me of Billy Ray Cyrus.
37. The early years.
38. I considered using that as a conversational opener with Miley, but decided the phrase "I saw a buffalo that looked just like your daddy" might be easily misinterpreted.