I'll Give You 10 Good Reasons

My fellow Golden Heart nominees had a plan - a good one! - to meet up after Friday's Conference activities and have dinner at a local restaurant. I was onboard with this idea for many reasons, not the least of which is that these women are singularly supportive, interesting, talented, and dynamic.

The plan has now been abandoned in favor of meeting at the hotel bar, sipping cocktails and mingling with any agents or editors who happen by. In theory, this is a most excellent idea.

In actuality, I can give you 10 good reasons why I should never meet anyone at a bar, sip cocktails, and attempt to network my way into any sort of business relationship. This is me after just two sips:

1. They say alcohol loosens the tongue and I think we can all agree that if my tongue were any looser, it would come flapping right out of my mouth.

2. Generally speaking, it is frowned upon in networking situations when one intrepid soul announces to the world at large that she can dance the macarena only to fall off the regrettably narrow bar stool before she is able to demonstrate said dance moves.

3. Is there anyone here who has forgotten the time I walked into a tree in my own front yard in broad daylight while I was dead sober?

4. Editors tend to cringe at the words, "OhmygoodnessyoupublishJanetandshe'slikemyfavoriteandIcansendyouthreemanuscriptsbytomorrowandHEYit'swarminhere!"

5. May I call to mind the time I participated in a wine tasting then went to wait on a table, leaned well into the customer's personal space because for the life of me I could not understand what they wanted to drink and shouted "Lemonade??" at them? Twice?

6. Two sips and I channel my inner Spinal Tap: Everyone around me will be rolling their eyes and saying to each other, "This one goes to an eleven!"

7. Walking into doorjams, chairs, and mowing down innocent bystanders does not a favorable impression make.

8. I must admit that clothes do not adapt well to spontaneous demonstrations of my (lack of) gymnastic ability.

9. What to do with my hands? What to do with my hands? Here! You hold them for me!

10. Really, there aren't enough excuses in the world for a woman who must crawl to the restroom, rather than walk into walls like the rest of the drunks.


There you have it. Indisputable proof that inviting me to sip cocktails in a bar is a bad idea - unless they've read the blog archives and I'm to be the evening's entertainment...