Another Candidate For A Petting Zoo?

Clearly, he wants your braaaaaainz.

How NOT To Scare Away A Zombie Goat

There are many ways to scare away the Zombie Goat. Zombie Cats, of course, being the most effective, but clanging a dinner bell while tossing the brains of your enemies in the direction you wish the goats to go is also a viable alternative.

Losing your manhood on camera, however, is not.

I'm Alive! Probably.

1. Okay, I've been a bad blogger.

2. Working extra hours plus deep-cleaning my house short-circuited my brain.

3. Of course, it wasn't just all work and no play.

4. I did get to dress up and see the HP6 sneak peek Monday night and that was awesome.

5. Our whole family dressed up: Clint was a Death Eater, I was Minerva McGonagall (sort of), the Scientist was Harry Potter in his Hogwarts' robes, Daredevil was Ron Weasely, Starshine was Harry Potter in Quidditch get-up (w/broom), Myra came as Tonks and Myra's hubby (who isn't possessing whatever crazy gene makes the rest of us eager to wear costumes on non-Halloween nights) came wearing Tommy Bahama. We called him our Token Muggle.

6. I really enjoyed the movie. Being a book purist, there were a couple things I would have changed, but I was totally engrossed the entire time.

7. Now I need to go see it again to get past my first impression (Which was something along the lines of "Ooh. Aww. Yes!!") and see what I really think.

8. Wasn't impressed with the soundtrack on this one, though. :(

9. In an abrupt subject change, I have lost all respect for one of my sort-of neighbors.

10. I say "sort-of" neighbor because I don't know these people. They live a block away.

11. I drive past the house any time I head toward the interstate (which is nearly every day). I drove past them July 4th.

12. They had a Confederate flag flying instead of an American flag.

13. I find that incredibly offensive.

14. For one, this is a NATIONAL holiday. Putting up a symbol of southern pride/independence is inappropriate.

15. For another, the war is OVER. It's been over a century. Time to accept it and move forward already.

16. Also, I can't look at that flag without cringing on behalf of others who will see in that flag the oppression of their great-grandparents and the decades of hate and ignorance that followed.

17. So, yeah, I don't know who lives there and I don't want to. I seriously doubt our first meeting would go well what with their ignorance and my big mouth.

18. I've realized that Spastic Kitten is unable to purr.

19. I can tell when she's happy by body language and facial expression but she has never once purred. And yes, I've placed my hand against her throat to see if there are near-silent rumblings but there aren't.

20. I don't think that's normal but hey, this is Spastic Kitten. Normal isn't even on the playing field.

Are You TRYING To Get Me Fired?

Last night, apparently, was bring an idiot out to dinner night. I didn't get the memo, but I sure did wait on the idiots. Since my mouth tends to spout off snappy sarcasm in response to obvious instances of moronic thinking, waiting on a string of idiots can get me fired.

Last night, I had three in a row.

1. I walked up to a table, greeted them, offered them tea or Coke to drink and the woman looked at me and said, "Something smells good! Whatcha cooking?" I admit I stared at her for about ten seconds of silence, trying to think of something I could say that wouldn't sound like I was accusing her of being ... well, an idiot. I mean, seriously? We're a restaurant. With one of the largest menus in the business. Whatever she's smelling could be any one of 120 items or a combination of several. I finally patted her menu and said, "Take your pick. We cook them all." She said, "It smells like chicken." I nodded wisely. "Then it probably is chicken." She nodded back. "Probably so."

Oy.

2. My next table was no better. The woman looked at me and said, "I can tip you very well." She winked like we were in on some sort of conspiracy together and leaned closer. "I'll tip you well if you'll do something for me." I politely inquired as to the nature of her request and she said, "I really want the Sunday chicken. If you get that for me, I'll take good care of you." I blinked at her for a second and said in my most reasonable voice, "But ma'am, it's Wednesday." She nodded. "I know. But I want the Sunday chicken special." I nodded right back. "Oh, I'm sure you do. But, you see, it isn't Sunday. It's Wednesday. All the money in the world can't change that."

3. The very next table, the man ordered a meatloaf dinner. I always bring ketchup to the table when I serve meatloaf because I was raised by a man who drowns everything on his plate in ketchup, especially meatloaf. I placed everything on the table and asked if they needed anything else. The man said, "Yeah. Can I get some tomato sauce to put on top of this meatloaf?" I pointed to the bottle of ketchup. "I brought you some ketchup, sir." He glanced at the bottle (labeled "Kraft TOMATO Ketchup" and said, "But I want something made out of tomatoes."

It took me several seconds of rapidly rejecting every single response that flew into my head before I could calmly say, "Yes, sir. Ketchup is made from tomatoes." And then I walked away as fast as I could because it's generally considered very rude to laugh yourself silly at the customer's expense while he can still hear you doing it.

Starshine--The Experience

Yesterday, Starshine bounced into my room to get the swimsuit he'd left drying over the edge of my bathtub. The ensuing conversation sounded like this:

Me: Hey! Who's taking you to the pool?

Starshine: Um ... guess.

Me: No really, who's taking you to the pool?

Starshine: *rolls eyes* My friend.

Me: You have a lot of friends. Which one is it?

Starshine: My bestest friend.

Me: Okay, that narrows it down to--

Starshine: *who, at this point, is now stark naked* It's only my bestest friend in the whole world whom I've known since the second grade!

Me: Oh. Dane?

Starshine: *pulls swimsuit on and grabs a towel* Yes! I knew you could guess it.

Me: Wouldn't it just be easier to answer my question in the first place rather than go through all that?

Starshine: *looks at me with pity* Mom. It's more of a challenge that way. Talking to me be should be an experience.

Me: It certainly is.

Spazzing Out Is Hard Work

1. In case you were wondering, Spastic Kitten doesn't always spaz.

2. Sometimes she sleeps. (see above)

3. Although the true nature of her mental instability is always apparent to the discerning eye.

4. We spent all day Friday at Nashville Shores, a water amusement park.

5. I learned two valuable lessons.

6. One, when applying sunscreen to yourself, do not get distracted by the antics of your spawn and forget to slather your face.

7. Two, women considering a tattoo on their stomachs should think long and hard about the eventual effects of childbirth and gravity.

8. Mosquitoes, apparently, love me.

9. Every time I hang around outside at dusk, I get eaten alive.

10. My kids and Clint are basically immune.

11. This A) is not fair and B) makes me glad I've never met a vampire as my blood seems to be a hot commodity.

12. The other night I had so many bites on my feet, I couldn't sleep well because of the itch.

13. I tried calamine lotion but it didn't help.

14. Clint told me to cover the bites with scotch tape.

15. I was just desperate enough to follow through on this hair-brained suggestion.

16. It worked--cut the itch down to an ignorable annoyance.

17. The next day, my kids were very interested to know why I had scotch tape all over my feet.

18. Once I explained it to them, the Scientist exclaimed "If scotch tape helped a little, you should try duct tape! I bet that would fix it!"

19. Just like a man--thinks duct tape fixes everything.

Eyes Like Stars Act III

The next installment in the adventures of author Lisa Mantchev (Eyes Like Stars hits your local bookstore next week!) and four very mischievous fairies. If you missed the first two installments, go here and here.

(The fairies are in a tremendous hurry to finish, as Lisa has now eaten her fruit roll-up gag.)

Moth: Shove another peanut butter cup in her piehole!

Peaseblossom: I dunno... she might go into a diabetic coma, and then what happens to us?

Cobweb: Hm. Good point.

Mustardseed: I think the trick is just to be far, far away by the time she undoes the knots in the licorice.

Lisa: Just wait until I get back on the laptop. I'm writing a scene where you all eat broccoli. In the bathtub. While someone reads Goethe to you.

ALL: (chorus of screams) NOT THE BROCCOLI!

Peaseblossom: Maybe we should ask her some real interview-type questions. Like "what's inspired you to write this book?"

Moth: Yawn-tastic. How about "if you were going to exact revenge upon someone, what kind of explosives would you use?"

Mustardseed: Or, "what's your favorite method of extracting boogers and ear-wax?" That's actually a useful question.

Lisa: There's a difference, Mustardseed, between useful and disgusting.

Cobweb: O-ho! Look who's Miss Hoity-Toity! I saw you cleaning up that crusty Princess of yours last night!

Lisa: (unbeknownst to the Fearsome Foursome, has now untied the licorice ropes and is awaiting the right moment to grab all of them and exact revenge) That crusty Princess inspired you guys, so show a little respect. Er. Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to there, for a minute.

Peaseblossom: (peering upside-down at Lisa) Why are you eyeballing the duct tape?


Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion and order Eyes Like Stars now!